Ok so wierd my thread got locked. I feel so "part of the group" now. HA!
Today was good - and the thoughts of H were different. Being able to look BACKWARDS and remember the pain is GOOD in a wierd way. It has officially been a year since the bomb. Made it through the holidays.
Now...it is time to sit and watch.
The MLC is strange. I do think that so many are right that my H has it bad and I dont know what it will take for him to hit bottom. I have seen him low, heard him low--- but he bounces he bounces right back up adn it doesn't take him very long. I dont get it.
I was talking to a friend yesterday about how low does he have to go and waht will it take. She said it just right....some people get low but dont allow themselves to walk through it. My H quit counseling (which is no surprise to me) and is in pretend land. The ow and teh spending. it is all pretend land.
But here is one thing I dont get. He tells us (teh family) the "truth" as we know it. He tells us he has no money, he tells me he is sad and that he needs to do something (thus the going to church Christmas Eve with ow)..cry cry sad sad. BUT HER --- does she know this side of him? Does he let down his gaurd to her? And WHO is he really? The big man on campus or hte man who comes through my door to pick up d11??
who is he??
M-20 years/BOMB 12/24/06 Moved out 3/12/07 D final 7/30/2008 finding myself again
There were so many times that I thought my h hit bottom and said to myself, okay this is it, finally. I was so wrong. My h would bounce right back up again like a rubber ball. I knew when my h hit bottom and that was a year ago November when he called my sobbing and had made an appt. to see a C. That was the biggest turning point for us.
The ow is only going to see the good side of your h for a while. Right now he is her hero!! So to speak anyway. The real h and ow will show their true colors eventually.
yr, it is confusing. my stitch (as i have said before) seems similar yet different. He hasn't called me crying since jeez' october. and that was only because i had to see him face to face. Since then he usually "Cries" in some manner when I see him. But he hasn't called ME really down in a very very long time. (I think reallly it would be october) Since then he has distanced himself so much from me.
Is this all really part of it? I mean i read about the ones who come home and leave over and over..mine nope. just gone. and seems happy about it.
I just dont get it...
M-20 years/BOMB 12/24/06 Moved out 3/12/07 D final 7/30/2008 finding myself again
yr, it is confusing. my stitch (as i have said before) seems similar yet different. He hasn't called me crying since jeez' october. and that was only because i had to see him face to face. Since then he usually "Cries" in some manner when I see him. But he hasn't called ME really down in a very very long time. (I think reallly it would be october) Since then he has distanced himself so much from me.
Is this all really part of it? I mean i read about the ones who come home and leave over and over..mine nope. just gone. and seems happy about it.
I just dont get it...
M-20 years/BOMB 12/24/06 Moved out 3/12/07 D final 7/30/2008 finding myself again
None of us get it. My h cried several times through this but like I said Nov. 06 is when he really reached out.
Yes that is all a part of it. He is withdrawing from you. Nothing matters to him at all. Not the family, kids, nothing. They go into their selfish mode. When they are gone they do think. My h said he thought about us all the time but he was so lost.
Keep your chin up and try not to worry about your h being happy, he might think he is right now but he's not!
my h has done the same as yours the being sad, being low yet never letting that part follow through the stage or steps or process that they need to accept things and turn them around.
he bounces back to replay...?
I sometimes think they play this sad role to get us to feel sorry for them like a validating process... if she thinks I am sad...
I do believe they have 2 personalities at times one for us and one for OW. For what woman would stay with a depressed man for 2 yrs. I ask myself this often. Remember OW has the MLC man not the real one and he will eventually crash and she will have to deal with this.
Mine told me at one time that "I am alone" so I said you don't have to be we are all still here... well then he said.. "I am alone even when I am with someone"
well that was over a yr ago and he has still not hit the bottom. I don't believe he ever will his ego is too big and he is a conflict avoider so dealing with this will never happen.
Mine left and came back and left again and then couldn't decide. he has been gone 18 months now and no sign of any return he filed for D and put it on hold and then wrote a settlement agreement.
they don't think clearly at all and they do respond to our emotions. I have played it cool the entire time of negotiating and the one time I got upset he turned it around that I was angry at him... had to validate the leaving and not see me upset but angry. This is when I knew that he was still validating the leaving.
It actually made me start to rethink my responses to him. I am back to no emotion at all. Act as if and we will see how that works. But I only see him once in a blue moon, my kids are grown.
The doing the opposite of what he expected last summer did work and it believe it is the only thing that kept him coming back around. I just did not pull myself together enough to move forward I got stuck in a stand still position.
so keep moving forward not moving on.... but forward take care of you.
their minds are so warped yet they do have moments of reality. it is those moments that I believe send them to the bottom. For when the reality gets more and more and they realize the mess they made and can't get out of it and their life has turned into a giant lie that is when they crash.
until they crash or have a major reality moment they live in lalaland. The fantasy world of their mind. Where the lies become the truth and the truth gets lost in the depths of their mind. For if they could see they would not be in that lalaland. They are blind to life at this point.
They put the feelings that they had for us so deep in a vault that they lock it and lose the key. Their mind keeps running replays of the bad or the made up version of who we are to them.
I feel this is how they stay away. If they continue to dislike who we are they won't have feelings.
my H's feelings I believe hit the surface when my dog died. But he had to immed. start in on D again to put those feelings back in the vault.
this is a very long road and if someone told me last yr that I would start 2008 not D and still alone and living in limboland still. I would have told them they were crazy.
wish I had taken care of me sooner and realized that I have no control over him but I have control over how I act and respond to him and that will make a difference to him. In the beginning the DB is easy for it is all new. At this point 18 months now I feel that I need a refresher course. A course for the longterm DB ...what can I do now that I did not try or have not done right. How else can I grow as a person.... Find the inner peace and be content with myself is my hope for this yr.
{{{hugs}}} hope that 2008 brings you inner peace and happiness.
m24 yrs h 50 me 47 s 21 s 17 left 5-30-06, and 12-4-06 still gone.............
my h has done the same as yours the being sad, being low yet never letting that part follow through the stage or steps or process that they need to accept things and turn them around.
he bounces back to replay...?
I think you are right...bounces back because the reality hurts and he doesn't want hurt...yet he admits that even in WHERE he is and what he is chooing the hole still is there.
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I do believe they have 2 personalities at times one for us and one for OW. For what woman would stay with a depressed man for 2 yrs. I ask myself this often. Remember OW has the MLC man not the real one and he will eventually crash and she will have to deal with this.
My H attempted suicide in late june...who did he call (text) YEP ME.... when I got to the hospital and stayed with him asked him if wanted ow...he said no. he wanted me there. BUT AS SOON as he was "up" again guess who was back.
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well that was over a yr ago and he has still not hit the bottom. I don't believe he ever will his ego is too big and he is a conflict avoider so dealing with this will never happen.
THIS IS MY H!!! conflict avoider!! AND EGO!! OH MY GOSH. He has PRIDE like nonother....he always has..it had been an issue...only GOD could literally break the pride that he holds.
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so keep moving forward not moving on.... but forward take care of you
. MOVIGN FORWARD..and take care of me. That part is kinda hard because in some of the ways i have to take care of me i have to act like my old self- financially-. I have to take charge with some things because HE WILL BLOW THINGS OFF and LET THEM GO UNDER a rug... ie.he has let bills go to collections through this rather than pay.
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They put the feelings that they had for us so deep in a vault that they lock it and lose the key. Their mind keeps running replays of the bad or the made up version of who we are to them.
I feel this is how they stay away. If they continue to dislike who we are they won't have feelings.
Oh yes. stuffed away and snuffed out by a 23 year old
Yes this did help. I am sorry your road has been so long. I am glad we have eachother to fall back on...
ACT AS IF Move FORWARD Love UNCONDITIONALLY BELIEVE AND HOPE but put it on a shelf and WAIT OH yes and the last and greatest...PATIENCE!
M-20 years/BOMB 12/24/06 Moved out 3/12/07 D final 7/30/2008 finding myself again
RCR has suggested that Replay is an attempt to effect change without doing any work on themselves. Some of them bounce around in it longer than others. I was worried that my h seemed to be getting 'worse' more estranged, etc.
Looking inside to fix yourself is extremely frightening, espcially if you have a poor sense of self to start with. If you have a beautiful car, or house, that needs work you will do it. But if it is a real wreck, then you can think, what is the point, and try a coat of paint.
They are papering over the cracks, applying bandaids. Most of them are slowly moving - but it isn't necessarily up - and towards, it may be down and away.
TMAK's thread - with an explanation of Reconnection by Snodderly is good. Reconnection starts when they feel safer. The touch and goes are to reassure themselves that we are still here. They are using us, the way they use everyone. That is why in reconnection their approach to us is very tentative - in fact it is so slight we may not notice it. It is this that can make us too twitchy about 'signs' in the early stages of Replay. It doesn't matter if we miss the early signs of reconnection: in fact it might be better. Like watching for spring to come. There are false starts, and then we notice that there are several unmistakable signs. But like SPring, it happens in its own time. We can be stupid and take off our winter clothes too soon!.
I can only urge us all [me included] to continue with our own lives. If it is MLC, then the person that emerges is fragile and unstable, and will need a strong and stable partner, not a needy wreck. I have followed a number of threads of people getting back together [here, not in piecing] and all would testify that it is hard. not for the fainthearted. We all think in the early stages how much we would like the opportunity . . . .
I thought I read somewhere that if before they distance themselves from you and your kids but then start reconnecting w/ the kids again, that it could be a good sign or a sign of coming out fo the fog???
