First my background. Married 21 years, two children aged 19 and 14 when things fell apart. A fairly typical marriage, pretty good for the most part, some recurrent issues on my part with use of porn, but no extramarital affairs on either part. Oldest son moves out in June of 2006 to live on his own, youngest son is beginning high school in fall. My ex attempts suicide in September, less than a month after my 46th birthday that came complete with a card professing her love for me.
She stays a week in a full-care facility where she meets a 22 year old male who also attempted. The day she gets out, she meets up with him and seduces him, the first betrayal of our marriage that I ever knew about. She files for divorce in October with the support of a psychiatrist who tells her she needs to do whatever will make her happy. She begins living with a female subordinate, often having others over for sleepovers (all this in a one bedroom effficiency apartment).
During a visit with her father she meets up with a guy she had a crush on when she was 16. She decides that HE is the one she should have been with all along. Begins a still ongoing relationship with him. Divorce is final in December, less than 90 days from the start of the mess. She promises both boys that she will not leave town until youngest finishes school, and promises that she will never remarry as it would be hypocritical to say her vows again.
In May 2007 she announces that she has taken a job 500 miles away in the hometown of the old crush. She moves there and begins living with him. She sees her boys twice from May to December.
This was a church-going woman, highly devoted mother, loyal friend. A woman with a strong and well defined moral compass that precluded things such as adultery and divorce as being acceptable. In fact we promised ourselves throughout our marriage that divorce would NEVER be an option.
She didn't do the financial blow through that yours has done. She had several nasty moments, but for the most part just withdrew from all of us to pursue her new life which meant doing whatever she wanted, partying, sleep overs, etc.
I just wanted you to know that you're not alone. MANY of us on here have seen such transformations come seemingly out of left field. We tend to call them MLC, but in hindsight I'm not sure that it particularly matters. The end result is the same whether it is or isn't.
So what have I learned in over a year that might help you?
1. You can do NOTHING that will help this. You may be able to do SOME things that will not hurt the status of things between you.
2. Protecting YOURSELF (and children if any remain at home) is of utmost importance right now. That means both physically, emotionally, spiritually. The best way to do that is to find a way to DETACH from her and her craziness.
3. EXPECT NOTHING. No matter what you do, no matter how she SEEMS to respond to what you do or don't do, expect nothing. One thing these people are is unpredictable. What evokes a smile today can generate hateful venom tomorrow. Again, the need to DETACH.
4. CONTINUE LIVING. Eat well, exercise, pursue your interests. Take advantage of the time apart to fulfill some of YOUR plans and interests. It doesn't matter what you think the impact on the two of you might be some day. Think about YOU and NOW, not on your marriage and your future.
5. Find out what you did. Because you did something. None of us are perfect. Maybe your faults weren't enough to wreck the marriage, but whatever they are, you now have the perfect opportunity for some personal clean up. Look inside a bit, work on identifying and correcting what needs correcting. Whether things are reconciled or not one day, this is a benefit for you and your future.
6. The financial/divorce rules are different from state to state. If yours is running up huge financial debt, find out IMMEDIATELY what you have to do to insulate yourself. If you have to cancel cards, it's worth the possible spew now to do so. If she's intent on sinking her ship, just make sure it's HER ship that sinks, not yours too.
7. Be as kind as possible. I know, it seems crazy. The one thing I've noticed in the stories on this board though is that the only thing that holds potential for healing is keeping relative peace between the two of you. You should NEVER be a doormat, and God knows you should never not call bullshit, bullshit, but there's nothing to be gained from arguments and trying to win points. You won't anyway.
Sorry man. It's a mess. And none of us expected it or wanted it in our lives. But this is now about SURVIVAL.
Any future that might still be possible in your marital relationship will not be helped out by you allowing yourself to be destroyed during this time. That's why NOW HAS TO BE ABOUT YOU! Not her. DETACH, DETACH, DETACH. Move on and live your life. Do not give ANY great significance to the drivel that passes thru her lips. Oh yes, there will be history rewrites that will challenge the great works of fiction. Nothing you can do about it.
As for counseling, I think the others have stated my position. You are being roped in to her efforts to nullify the marriage through this counseling. She may have hand selected the counselor, or she may just be planning on bending the results to what she wants, or trash canning the whole thing if it goes the wrong direction on her. Either way, it's not really for the two of you or your marriage. It's for her. These people have an awesome need to convince others that they are right. Give her no such ammunition.
I would go, call bs on her when it needs to be called, be resolute in your version of reality, and stay cool. No tears and no anger. NONE.
Best wishes my friend. Hope this helps in some way.
Blessings,
Bill
"Don't tell me the sky is the limit when there are footprints on the moon."
