The "you're mine" possessive vibe of LFL's husband prompts me to start a new thread.
But first, a spoiler...no, I didn't ML with W following the end of the moratorium(EOTM). However, I feel that may change very soon.
The EOTM is a subject that has come up a lot the last few days. Usually mentioned in a playful, light-hearted manner. She fell asleep early on NYEve, and last night, too, but I'm not ready to make my move yet, so I'm not concerned. Yesterday, while she was pouring coffee, I went up behind her and grabbed her tush with both hands. Me: These are mine. W: Oh, no they aren't. They do not belong to you.
Note for all people unfamiliar with Ms.Hdog: she is all about women overcoming their historical view as chattel. The suggestion of ownership has been a subject of controversy in the past. (ha ha "controversy", a euphemism for rage-splattered lecture).
I would usually slink away after a rebuff like this, even though it was a pretty minor one. But not yesterday.
Me: Oh yes they are. They are mine. And so are these. (My hands wrap around her, and squeeze her boobs, which, by the way, haven't been squeezed since the "Great Boob Squeeze of 2007")
Did she spin around and sucker punch me? Nope. Did she engage me in a debate about the inappropriateness of my speech and actions? Nope.
She just smiled, lightly shrugged my arms away and said, "whatever."
The fact that my touches and words did not result in violence, anger, or other unpleasantness has cemented in my mind an idea that I had been turning around in my noggin' the last couple days:
The Sexual Moratorium, and the EOTM, have pushed a giant, invisible, RESET button of our relationship. Or, perhaps more specifically, they have pushed a reset button in me. The EOTM, coupled with deep study of the No More Mr. Nice Guy book and online forum, and LFL's insistence on hair-pulling, and a multitude of other sources/advice/reading material, (Nopkins, RJ's story about the "woman of valor" blessing, MJ's "black guy" article, etc.) have led me to decide to stop being so f'ing concerned about what SHE wants, and more in touch with what I want.
I want to be the old Hairdog that didn't care so much about offending her, and just spoke my mind. MY mind. Not the mind that I thought SHE wanted to hear.
What the "these are mine" incident (and some other interactions) tells me is that it is good for me to be my ol' inappropriate self, and that it may even be good for the "relationship."
My theme song, this week, is Tom Petty's "Don't Back Down". (along with that Lou Reed song, of course).
Or, perhaps more specifically, they have pushed a reset button in me.
Very, very important. Now all you have to do is learn how to instantly and fluidly push that button for yourself any time. I think what you did for yourself with your moratorium is roughly equivalent to what I did for myself with my "don't hug people who don't hug you back" resolution. One key point to consider which has something to do with Corri's current thread is that simply noticing in a non-reactive manner that somebody isn't "hugging you back" is half the problem solved. The "why?" isn't important. What is important is to simply behave appropriately.
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
It would be more accurate to say that it's the guy she fell in love with. By the time we got married, I was already in NG status, trying to please her, monitoring her availability, feeling responsible for her moods, etc. I was "invested" in the relationship and trying like hell to save my investment, at the expense of my "self."
I hear what your saying about "investment." In my case, after 23 years of investment, I'm finding it's brutally hard to let go and relinquish any idea of being able to control the ride. Still working on that, but getting better...
Me: 51 W: 50 M 24 yrs EA: since Apr 06 S22, S26, S28 ILYBNILWY:Nov 07
"It's only after we've lost everything that we're free to do anything." Tyler Durden
This sounds like an opening for you. DEFINITELY doesn't seem like the "old Mrs. HD" response.
I think the key will be to keep up your playfulness and humor, and even mix in a shot or two across her bow if she is rude or disrespectful to you (which is no doubt coming, at SOME point).
HD, To second what Choc said, watch out for the backlash. My DB counselor warned me about them. Just when you think there's been a step forward, the spouse will do or say something to wreck the moment and return to the old status quo. Watch out for that, and try to ignore it.
Bomb
Me: 51 W: 50 M 24 yrs EA: since Apr 06 S22, S26, S28 ILYBNILWY:Nov 07
"It's only after we've lost everything that we're free to do anything." Tyler Durden
Ms.HD's response is different because HD is different. Sounds like she has more respect for you now, HD, which, I would think could only be a good thing. The LD part of me thinks you're definitely on to something here. Good job!
simply noticing in a non-reactive manner that somebody isn't "hugging you back" is half the problem solved. The "why?" isn't important. What is important is to simply behave appropriately.
Yeah, but my usual "appropriate" behavior is to be hurt and sad and guilty for doing something that makes her not want to hug me back, and resentful, and, well, you get the picture.
She's been pretty huggy lately, though.
Originally Posted By: lillieperl
My hat's off to you, hd, for maintaining any semblence of sexual desire for this woman. How do you do that?
I guess I'm a sucker for big breasts. Now, to work on being a sucker "OF" them. Also, I'm incredibly forgiving. And patient. And clean and reverent and ....
Originally Posted By: choc
I think the key will be to keep up your playfulness and humor, and even mix in a shot or two across her bow if she is rude or disrespectful to you (which is no doubt coming, at SOME point).
Yep. That's where Lou's reference to the Taken in Hand website may come in handy. Did I mention that everything I've done in the past hasn't worked, and that continuing to do it is "insane"? So, channeling my inner Petrucio, something that would have seemed SO wrong a few months ago, is beginning to suggest itself as "appropriate behavior" to me. It's like getting re-acquainted with Hairdog the college student, before he had to deal with feminists and sexual harassment seminars and sensitive-new-age crap.
Originally Posted By: choc
Maybe she missed you.
Stranger things have happened.
Originally Posted By: mrscac
Sounds like she has more respect for you now, HD, which, I would think could only be a good thing.
Well, I must say that I kept my word on a "sexual moratorium." I think she respects me for that, and it's likely that she did not expect me to follow it through to the end.
