Glad you and Mat are communicating. I remember the gun shy moments so well. It's all one step at a time. One love deposit at a time. One point soon after H and I had got back together and before I had discovered the second set of e-mails to Xow H told me he felt like he was damned if he did, damned if he didn't. So Saturday I Asked him if he felt that way anymore. I guess he totally misunderstood the question because he "I love you physically!" WTF?? So my face fell, Charcoal I know he loves me and more than physically but I do believe he is still afraid to totally let hisself love me like before and that sucks!!!! He said later Kim you know I love you but that was a loaded question. So I didn't let him know how much it hurt. So I'm in a good spot definetly but I really still need to detach and let him be. Plus remembering what he wrote to XOW in the last set of e-mails really hurt. I want to be loved for who I am not because its the right thing. Or that our sex life is finally excellent. Anyway sorry to rant on your thread but Ouch!!!! Kim
"Those who don't read, have no
advantage over those who can't"
Mark Twain
Hey, this is Floyd's wife. I just wanted to tell you that I really appreciate your response. I'm still not sure I like this whole Walk Away Wife thing. I am more confused now after reading what everyone posted than I ever have been. I was so ready to wipe my hands clean of the situation and Floyd that I already had the D planned. I work for an attorney by the way and can do Ds in my sleep. Now I've read some of the things that Floyd has written and I think maybe he hasn't been being nonchalant about me. At the beginning of our separation he was an emotional wreck. Then there was nothing. I'm still not sure that I care enough to make it work. I know that I'm not sure I've given it a chance. I can argue and scream and fight with the best of them. But when it comes to letting someone know that I'm wrong or don't know I can't do it. I'm not sure that I can let Floyd in any more, you know self-preservation. Some days all I think about is the bad stuff and I don't want to come home. Hell, sometimes I don't until bed time. Then other times I think of a tender moment and I want him to hug me but when I get around him up goes the steel wall again.
I have read a little bit on your thread, I don't want Floyd to catch me doing this. I don't know why. I still have that feeling that I don't want him to win. Anyway, it seems like we do have some of the same problems. I am going to try to finish reading it and try to create my own thread, MAYBE. I just wanted to tell you again, thank you.
Quote: I don't know why. I still have that feeling that I don't want him to win.
dreama,
floyd wouldn't be the only one winning...you would also win and so would the two little ones!! let's look at it this way...you give it an honest try..letting floyd in little by little and go from there...understand too that floyd also has his walls up...neither of you want to be hurt but apparently both of you are hurting. just try to stop hurting eachother because in the end that way no one wins.
Dreama ~ I am so glad you posted. Glad because, well, for a lot of reasons. Primarily because sometimes I feel kind of alone on this message board.
Don't get me wrong, folks, it's just that y'all are so lovey-dovey compared to me sometimes :P.
But, seriously, this Divorce-thing is the strangest dance I have ever stood up for. It is without a doubt the most painful thing, too... (though lying in bed, asking my H to be my friend, telling him I've never felt so alone, only to have him roll over and snore was pe-retty friggin painful too... I could go on and on with examples, poetry, book citings, whatever).
Thing is, we have two kids (you do too, don't you Dreama?). A daughter almost 5 and a son, almost 1. I would saw off my hands to make them happy and well balanced. I know my personal happiness is paramount to that task. I know I could raise them well on my own (ain't saying it'd be easy, as H has made it clear I'd be doing it alone). But, I was talking to this woman I totally respect and she said to me "You haven't tried. You haven't given him the chance to change, the chance to hear you, the chance to grow up and be the man you thought you were marrying 7 years ago."
Divorce is just a heck of a thing to decide for these two little people I chose to bring into this world. And so... I gave up my emotional affair, I read Divorce Remedy, I am reading "After the Affair" I read "Emotional Blackmail" and I read probably 20 other titles, too. I'm in counseling, sometimes with H, sometimes not ~ that doesn't seem to be doing much good for me except contribute to some desparate need to make a decision.
AND, the latest... started taking Zoloft because somedays I can't seem to stop crying. I know what that's about... It's about FEAR of getting trapped into what has become a sort of a prison for me. It's about spending my life with a man with no joy, a man who just might hold a grudge against me forever because I cheated on him. It's also about looking myself in the eye and wishing I'd been better, stronger, smarter, nicer, more loving, more supportive, more clear about MY needs, and more adamant about getting them met. It's really sad!
Dreama ~ I know you're "done". So be done. Let the old marriage die and try to be the person you want to be INSIDE your marriage. Maybe try to let Floyd be the person he wants to be with you. It's a huge step, but one I'm thinking we'd have to make eventually with our H's, the fathers of our kids, or in another relationship down the road. Or, we could just stay comfortably distant from any man... and never acheive what I'm thinking might be the best part of life.... true love. (yeah, NO thanks!)
And besides, you said you can do D's in your sleep... so, you can do it now and wonder if you tried everything, or you could just... do it... later.... you know? Give yourself some time to cool down. Try to laugh and smile with your H...
About "getting caught" posting. It's really hard to hide from anyone on this board... It might look like there's a lot of ppl on here, but... there's always the "search" function... so... I know you probably don't want Floyd reading your personal business on here (maybe it's that you don't want to hurt him more than you have). My H knows I'm here, even posted once (as "Mat"). What I said caused some fights and he promised not to look anymore. I don't know if he does or not, and I definitely do temper what I say because of that, but the thing is, he promised not to, so I can hold him to that if I wanted.
Even when you posted on Floyd's thread, he replied, sentence by sentence it seemed like... maybe you could just ask him to stay out of your thread? I bet he would. I hope he would. You've got your own answers to find and this is a good place to find them... Floyd should step back and let you do that...
I'm glad you're here... I really am.... thanks for checking out my thread Everything you wrote, the steel wall, the wiping of the hands... I know about that stuff, Dreama... Oh, and there are quite a few ppl who say things that make me wince... i just wince and move on... a lot of them are in alternate sitches from you and I and speak from that perspective ~ they have good things to say when you're ready to hear them, but you don't have to listen if you're not.
Let me know where you post, but like I said... it's hard to hide.
you're right, owweeee on the "I love you physically" thing, but hey, it's a hell of a lot better than hearing you're loved because you're a great mother
i mean, being a great mother is great and all, but it sure don't warm up those chilly nights if'n ya catch my dri...
oh, what am I saying, you know what I mean...
and i think to be loved physically by a man, is to almost have the whole tamale... (sorry dudes... Dr, Gray said it, not me...)
i don't think your question was loaded, it could very easily be interpreted as a gathering of fact (that is, by someone outside the sitch)
but... love is love... if he wanted to love you because it was the right thing before, and now he loves you physically... what's next??? i'd say you just might get what you're praying for there girlie...
tonight, H presses to know why I'm so bummed lately. I don't want to tell him because i'm feeling bad about the xeom... but, he asked directly, and I told him. I told him I was sorry, and didn't want to bring it up because I do not want to hurt him anymore. He said he just wants us to be happy.
then H made yummy fish tacos
he set his plate at the table and soon got up and started cleaning the kitchen.... then he went for his hiking boots...
internally, my insecure self imagines the worst... that because of what we talked about earlier, I now repel H so badly he cannot eat and has to leave the house
HEAR THAT? ALL YOU H'S WITH WAW'S???
The different thing that happened tonight is that I told him that that was what I felt. He told me I was incorrect in that assumption. I asked for a little more communication, and I told him I am feeling pretty overwhelmed right now. So, rather than go hiking by himself, he took D4, leaving me with S1 to enjoy for the duration.
We can do this, right? Communicate??? What's so hard about that? :P
Excellent news on the talk with M. Fish Tacos??? I listened to H talk about XOW and it hurt but I want to be able for this guy to tell me anything he needs to. Yes Love is love but I'd like to slap him and say don't do me any favors!!!! So anyway..... He called last night and wanted to hear about my day and the kids. I will reread some books and relax. You are amazing. You two are taking those steps Char. I've been there on the pouring your heart out saying something profound and they go to sleep or already were!!! I'm so glad Dreama found you!!! Anyway I must go, I get to rewrite my Potatoes Au Kim draft and then I need to write why Amazing by Aerosmith describes my attitude about life. I'm rather sick of me! Oh and D12 thinks I need to pick her up for lunch today because we never talk!! Charcoal hows about we win the lottery load up on books, sunscreen and take a cruise along with all our FF from here? The men could handle the kids. We could call it B****fest 2003!!! Could be a blast. Can you make long island teas?
Kim
"Those who don't read, have no
advantage over those who can't"
Mark Twain
Hi Char - Everytime I'm away from these boards a while something always compells me to comeback and I always find something new. Between your posts and those of Dreama I don't know whether to be scared sh**less or have great hope for the future. Some of the similarities to my sitch are uncanny and you guys have given me great insight to what W must be feeling. Things are much different with W and I than they were even a few weeks ago, going in a new direction - I don't know whether it is closer or further away. I can only hope she can come to see it is worthwhile to work on. You appear to have great strength and be doing so well at this - hang in there and keep posting .
Everything you wrote, the steel wall, the wiping of the hands... I know about that stuff, Dreama... Oh, and there are quite a few ppl who say things that make me wince... i just wince and move on... a lot of them are in alternate sitches from you and I and speak from that perspective ~ they have good things to say when you're ready to hear them, but you don't have to listen if you're not.
