Dreama ~ I am so glad you posted. Glad because, well, for a lot of reasons. Primarily because sometimes I feel kind of alone on this message board.
Don't get me wrong, folks, it's just that y'all are so lovey-dovey compared to me sometimes :P.
But, seriously, this Divorce-thing is the strangest dance I have ever stood up for. It is without a doubt the most painful thing, too... (though lying in bed, asking my H to be my friend, telling him I've never felt so alone, only to have him roll over and snore was pe-retty friggin painful too... I could go on and on with examples, poetry, book citings, whatever).
Thing is, we have two kids (you do too, don't you Dreama?). A daughter almost 5 and a son, almost 1. I would saw off my hands to make them happy and well balanced. I know my personal happiness is paramount to that task. I know I could raise them well on my own (ain't saying it'd be easy, as H has made it clear I'd be doing it alone). But, I was talking to this woman I totally respect and she said to me "You haven't tried. You haven't given him the chance to change, the chance to hear you, the chance to grow up and be the man you thought you were marrying 7 years ago."
Divorce is just a heck of a thing to decide for these two little people I chose to bring into this world. And so... I gave up my emotional affair, I read Divorce Remedy, I am reading "After the Affair" I read "Emotional Blackmail" and I read probably 20 other titles, too. I'm in counseling, sometimes with H, sometimes not ~ that doesn't seem to be doing much good for me except contribute to some desparate need to make a decision.
AND, the latest... started taking Zoloft because somedays I can't seem to stop crying. I know what that's about... It's about FEAR of getting trapped into what has become a sort of a prison for me. It's about spending my life with a man with no joy, a man who just might hold a grudge against me forever because I cheated on him. It's also about looking myself in the eye and wishing I'd been better, stronger, smarter, nicer, more loving, more supportive, more clear about MY needs, and more adamant about getting them met. It's really sad!
Dreama ~ I know you're "done". So be done. Let the old marriage die and try to be the person you want to be INSIDE your marriage. Maybe try to let Floyd be the person he wants to be with you. It's a huge step, but one I'm thinking we'd have to make eventually with our H's, the fathers of our kids, or in another relationship down the road. Or, we could just stay comfortably distant from any man... and never acheive what I'm thinking might be the best part of life.... true love. (yeah, NO thanks!)
And besides, you said you can do D's in your sleep... so, you can do it now and wonder if you tried everything, or you could just... do it... later.... you know? Give yourself some time to cool down. Try to laugh and smile with your H...
About "getting caught" posting. It's really hard to hide from anyone on this board... It might look like there's a lot of ppl on here, but... there's always the "search" function... so... I know you probably don't want Floyd reading your personal business on here (maybe it's that you don't want to hurt him more than you have). My H knows I'm here, even posted once (as "Mat"). What I said caused some fights and he promised not to look anymore. I don't know if he does or not, and I definitely do temper what I say because of that, but the thing is, he promised not to, so I can hold him to that if I wanted.
Even when you posted on Floyd's thread, he replied, sentence by sentence it seemed like... maybe you could just ask him to stay out of your thread? I bet he would. I hope he would. You've got your own answers to find and this is a good place to find them... Floyd should step back and let you do that...
I'm glad you're here... I really am.... thanks for checking out my thread Everything you wrote, the steel wall, the wiping of the hands... I know about that stuff, Dreama... Oh, and there are quite a few ppl who say things that make me wince... i just wince and move on... a lot of them are in alternate sitches from you and I and speak from that perspective ~ they have good things to say when you're ready to hear them, but you don't have to listen if you're not.
Let me know where you post, but like I said... it's hard to hide.
Everything you wrote, the steel wall, the wiping of the hands... I know about that stuff, Dreama... Oh, and there are quite a few ppl who say things that make me wince... i just wince and move on... a lot of them are in alternate sitches from you and I and speak from that perspective ~ they have good things to say when you're ready to hear them, but you don't have to listen if you're not.
