my h has done the same as yours the being sad, being low yet never letting that part follow through the stage or steps or process that they need to accept things and turn them around.
he bounces back to replay...?
I sometimes think they play this sad role to get us to feel sorry for them like a validating process... if she thinks I am sad...
I do believe they have 2 personalities at times one for us and one for OW. For what woman would stay with a depressed man for 2 yrs. I ask myself this often. Remember OW has the MLC man not the real one and he will eventually crash and she will have to deal with this.
Mine told me at one time that "I am alone" so I said you don't have to be we are all still here... well then he said.. "I am alone even when I am with someone"
well that was over a yr ago and he has still not hit the bottom. I don't believe he ever will his ego is too big and he is a conflict avoider so dealing with this will never happen.
Mine left and came back and left again and then couldn't decide. he has been gone 18 months now and no sign of any return he filed for D and put it on hold and then wrote a settlement agreement.
they don't think clearly at all and they do respond to our emotions. I have played it cool the entire time of negotiating and the one time I got upset he turned it around that I was angry at him... had to validate the leaving and not see me upset but angry. This is when I knew that he was still validating the leaving.
It actually made me start to rethink my responses to him. I am back to no emotion at all. Act as if and we will see how that works. But I only see him once in a blue moon, my kids are grown.
The doing the opposite of what he expected last summer did work and it believe it is the only thing that kept him coming back around. I just did not pull myself together enough to move forward I got stuck in a stand still position.
so keep moving forward not moving on.... but forward take care of you.
their minds are so warped yet they do have moments of reality. it is those moments that I believe send them to the bottom. For when the reality gets more and more and they realize the mess they made and can't get out of it and their life has turned into a giant lie that is when they crash.
until they crash or have a major reality moment they live in lalaland. The fantasy world of their mind. Where the lies become the truth and the truth gets lost in the depths of their mind. For if they could see they would not be in that lalaland. They are blind to life at this point.
They put the feelings that they had for us so deep in a vault that they lock it and lose the key. Their mind keeps running replays of the bad or the made up version of who we are to them.
I feel this is how they stay away. If they continue to dislike who we are they won't have feelings.
my H's feelings I believe hit the surface when my dog died. But he had to immed. start in on D again to put those feelings back in the vault.
this is a very long road and if someone told me last yr that I would start 2008 not D and still alone and living in limboland still. I would have told them they were crazy.
wish I had taken care of me sooner and realized that I have no control over him but I have control over how I act and respond to him and that will make a difference to him. In the beginning the DB is easy for it is all new. At this point 18 months now I feel that I need a refresher course. A course for the longterm DB ...what can I do now that I did not try or have not done right. How else can I grow as a person.... Find the inner peace and be content with myself is my hope for this yr.
{{{hugs}}} hope that 2008 brings you inner peace and happiness.
m24 yrs h 50 me 47 s 21 s 17 left 5-30-06, and 12-4-06 still gone.............
