You're a huge help to me, you're definitely one of the reasons I keep coming back here, so thanks. Thanks for continually checking in on me, I really do appreciate it ~ that goes for you too, Vista.
I met with my C today. Just an individual visit, which I was glad for because the last joint C session felt like war. H was America, I was some other little crappy country with no good defenses (pity party? anyone? i'm buying?). No seriously, it was scary for me. H was really pissed and I hate to imagine he was holding anything back. Anyway ~ so I went to C session today. C told me that this 6 months (now 5 ~ tick, tick) I'm "giving" H to change is not a commitment to the marriage. It's just more waiting, and it's hurting both of us. I know I'm hurting, H is hurting too. I know what I have to do, I have to take that leap of faith, or as my H calls it "just make up and be done with it". But I AM SO AFRAID... I mean, really, really, really afraid. These last years (God Bless, the whole tamale) have been SO hard...
I've built walls so high and so thick between he and I. I'm afraid that if it should all come down at once I might die of exposure.
Anyway, H asks when we're together later "so, what'd you and C talk about?". I told him C apologized for letting the last session get so abusive. That C almost called us at home to let us know she was sorry. C said she felt all that emotion kind of came out of nowhere, and she felt at first, ok... this is good, they're taking it out and then...WHAMMO! All of a sudden it was WAY out of control.
So, H asks, "what else did you talk about?" And, I replied "oh, she gave me some things to think about, so, I'll think about them. Maybe I'll share it with you, maybe I wont."
H says "I thought WE were going to M-C to work on making the M work!!!" And I replied, "so I don't get any privacy? Individual counseling is for me and me alone. It isn't any of your business." (I was getting kinda mad. But I suppose H picked up on this when I told him I wasn't trying to be a dog... H cut me off saying he totally understood. Then H added, "I'm just trying to do my thing.")
What the C gave me to think about was making a decision. A decision to commit or a desicion not to commit. Apparently none of this will work unless I do. Apparently, I can't just sit around and wait for H to become what I have in my head that I want.
So, anyway, that's in my lap today. Big mangey cat that it is. I'm thinking, rather, trying to convince myself that if I take this leap of faith, then everything's going to be okay. There's still this nagging feeling that it will not, in fact, be okay, that I'm just setting myself up for more neglect, more distrust, more frikken pain, more judgement, more emotional blackmail. I mean, I can't possibly be THAT strong, can I?
How can I assure that I am strong enough to be H's carpet ride?
The song (Audioslave) goes,
I am not your carpet ride I am the sky
I take that lyric to mean, "I am not that which carries you, I am that which allows you to fly." I think it's a rather beautiful concept. I do believe I can be the sky. Not the carpet, no, not anymore, not ever. What I am not sure of is H's ability to be my sky.
