I behaved like your wife for a very very long time. I was the WAW. My h just blew me away with his response to my leaving. I was married to him for 21 years. Geez you would have thought we could have figured out away to communicate!! Anyway his 7 months of persistence and pursuing me (I know he was alousy DB'er) is what won me over. I couldn't figure out away to let him know I was softening. Think I wanted the Cave Man thing I was a fool. Oh well but I learned. Don't give up and keep working on you. Sorry I'm not any help.
Kip
"Those who don't read, have no
advantage over those who can't"
Mark Twain
You're a huge help to me, you're definitely one of the reasons I keep coming back here, so thanks. Thanks for continually checking in on me, I really do appreciate it ~ that goes for you too, Vista.
I met with my C today. Just an individual visit, which I was glad for because the last joint C session felt like war. H was America, I was some other little crappy country with no good defenses (pity party? anyone? i'm buying?). No seriously, it was scary for me. H was really pissed and I hate to imagine he was holding anything back. Anyway ~ so I went to C session today. C told me that this 6 months (now 5 ~ tick, tick) I'm "giving" H to change is not a commitment to the marriage. It's just more waiting, and it's hurting both of us. I know I'm hurting, H is hurting too. I know what I have to do, I have to take that leap of faith, or as my H calls it "just make up and be done with it". But I AM SO AFRAID... I mean, really, really, really afraid. These last years (God Bless, the whole tamale) have been SO hard...
I've built walls so high and so thick between he and I. I'm afraid that if it should all come down at once I might die of exposure.
Anyway, H asks when we're together later "so, what'd you and C talk about?". I told him C apologized for letting the last session get so abusive. That C almost called us at home to let us know she was sorry. C said she felt all that emotion kind of came out of nowhere, and she felt at first, ok... this is good, they're taking it out and then...WHAMMO! All of a sudden it was WAY out of control.
So, H asks, "what else did you talk about?" And, I replied "oh, she gave me some things to think about, so, I'll think about them. Maybe I'll share it with you, maybe I wont."
H says "I thought WE were going to M-C to work on making the M work!!!" And I replied, "so I don't get any privacy? Individual counseling is for me and me alone. It isn't any of your business." (I was getting kinda mad. But I suppose H picked up on this when I told him I wasn't trying to be a dog... H cut me off saying he totally understood. Then H added, "I'm just trying to do my thing.")
What the C gave me to think about was making a decision. A decision to commit or a desicion not to commit. Apparently none of this will work unless I do. Apparently, I can't just sit around and wait for H to become what I have in my head that I want.
So, anyway, that's in my lap today. Big mangey cat that it is. I'm thinking, rather, trying to convince myself that if I take this leap of faith, then everything's going to be okay. There's still this nagging feeling that it will not, in fact, be okay, that I'm just setting myself up for more neglect, more distrust, more frikken pain, more judgement, more emotional blackmail. I mean, I can't possibly be THAT strong, can I?
How can I assure that I am strong enough to be H's carpet ride?
The song (Audioslave) goes,
I am not your carpet ride I am the sky
I take that lyric to mean, "I am not that which carries you, I am that which allows you to fly." I think it's a rather beautiful concept. I do believe I can be the sky. Not the carpet, no, not anymore, not ever. What I am not sure of is H's ability to be my sky.
My walls were so incredibly high. They were built in year 2 of married life when H left me for 2 months to whore around (his words). I never even realised they were there.
You are incredibly strong lady. What books have you read on forgiveness?? This anger thing has got to go. Not that it isn't justified it has to go. If you & Mat don't stay married (not a chance of that) but you have to be his friend. Once I let go of the anger with my H, then I calmed way down I even told him to take OW to Texas with him. He was so hurt & mad & frustrated. Course I would have been crushed. Mat is right make up already. OR make out? You have got to let the fear go. You already know you would be fine on your own. You would survive. Good Grief you are one of the strongest, funniest people I know. Reckless maybe, defiant hell yes! But weak no not a chance. You have got to let the expectations go. Have fun with Mat laugh with him and at him. If he had gone to C alone you would have been curious also. You are still mad at the past. Fugetabout it!!!!! Your both differant now your not the same two people who played games on purpose or not. You are going to have a R with each other because of the kids, just relax. Kip
"Those who don't read, have no
advantage over those who can't"
Mark Twain
I got through the intro last night. Kinda had to bring it up, rather sheepishly, to Mat, with an apology for ever needing it in the first place. ANYWAY ~ for anyone out there whose s'es have OM's or OW's, it would be a really nice gift to them, as it's been to me. It's allowed me, for perhaps the first time in this "thing" to understand (without assigning too much uncomfortability) how infidelity makes a parter FEEL. It's just been a good book for me. I've not spoken with xeom for almost a month. What I miss more than anything was the friend he was before I ruined that, and that's what I'm dealing with now. I never slept with anyone, and that is comforting to me. I told xeom way back, "hey, i'm not getting divorced to be with you...." but... it's incredulous how close I might have come to doing just that.
I do believe I am at long last ready to *work* on OUR marriage. To call it OURS and take my share of responsibility.
Also, Vista, I've had it in the back of my head to get on here and qualify my H "not doing anything" because that's not really true. I mean, sometimes it is... sometimes it'll go on for a couple of days in a row, and that's when I start getting mad. He does "slave" for "me" sometimes... and I'll have you all remind me of that next time I get on here and start crabbing.
Kim, kim, kim, kim.... I do firmly believe that, pearly gates attained, St. Peter will have trouble finding your name for all the gold stars around it... Hope your weekend is going well. (As for books on forgiveness, any suggestions?)
My weekend was great. I'm still trying to take in the return to normal. When he comes in now we take time for each other. He said to me last night, it's so strange not to be fighting with you! It is strange. We just hung out and had a great time. When son15 went to work H took the little boys to his place and I happily stayed home all by myself. Charcoal I know he is the same guy I married but we are both so differant. XOW and the sitch never even came up, R talk? Nope. Books on Forgiveness that I read The Gift of Forgiveness-Charles Stanley From Fallen to Forgiven-Jennifer O'Neill Being Happy-Andrew Matthews Forgiving the Unforgivable-Beverly Flanigan
I have seen the book 'After The Affair' before, it sounds great. You sound like you are doing well, a change of heart or maybe like your ready to focus on the good stuff. I think how you gave the book to Mat was extremely sweet. I remember thinking yesterday how strange this happiness with my H is. I feel like we have passed a test or something. Anyway I chose Aerosmith's Amazing as my song for my Comp1 class. It suits me..... So glad your doing well. Have you checked out Floyd's thread? His wife has posted. You might drop some of your witty words of wisdom on his thread. Peace Kim
Sorry My post doesn't make much sense!!!
"Those who don't read, have no
advantage over those who can't"
Mark Twain
cool, kim, cool... your weekend should have you smiling till tuesday
i was talking to Mat last night too...
said "I can't believe how close we came"
then i said
"I'm REALLY glad I didn't actually sleep with anyone, too."
(Am I ready to focus on the good stuff? Well, if I don't, it'll be just like there isn't any good stuff, and that'd just ignorant. Surely these last 12 years couldn't have been all bad, duh!?!)
ANYWAY - H was quiet... we're still both pretty gun shy... but I stepped out of my shell and told him his silence made me think he was mad. He said, "No." So I said "well, I wont take that to mean my statements are encouraging???" and he said "oh, yeah... they are, really!"
So, then, I told him I'd been thinking about *&^ all day, waiting for some emotion to come up and convince me otherwise, and that THAT hadn't happened and so, I was wondering.... and H was, well...
I got through the intro last night. Kinda had to bring it up, rather sheepishly, to Mat, with an apology for ever needing it in the first place. ANYWAY ~ for anyone out there whose s'es have OM's or OW's, it would be a really nice gift to them, as it's been to me. It's allowed me, for perhaps the first time in this "thing" to understand (without assigning too much uncomfortability) how infidelity makes a parter FEEL. It's just been a good book for me. I've not spoken with xeom for almost a month. What I miss more than anything was the friend he was before I ruined that, and that's what I'm dealing with now. I never slept with anyone, and that is comforting to me. I told xeom way back, "hey, i'm not getting divorced to be with you...." but... it's incredulous how close I might have come to doing just that.
I do believe I am at long last ready to *work* on OUR marriage. To call it OURS and take my share of responsibility.
what wonderful words to read, Charcoal!!! I am so happy for you and your H.
Now, can you lend that book to MY H?
Sage
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
The book says I don't have to be 100%. I have to act 100%, and I have to stop hurting the H. And so, that's where I'm starting.
I don't know if Mat's reading these posts or not, and it makes me kind of shy to talk about the stuff I'd really like some opinions on. I suppose I could just ask H, eh? (eeeeeek!.... )
Anyway, Sage... I was afraid to buy the book. Afraid to have the title laying on the coffee table... afraid it was going to make me feel horrible about not feeling horrible.. but once I started reading it... I started to see how HARD this could be for the hurt partner. I don't think I ever thought "H MADE me do this", but I certainly did think "I asked, H denied... therefore..."
I am weak and am willing to learn how to be stronger. The problem IS is that I will always be human. My requests to keep boxers off the bathroom floor will always sound shrill even though they're not meant too...
This is scarey stuff, you know? I mean, once you decide you're going to work on it, how do you b%tch about boxers on the bathroom floor?
You give me hope. I've read "After...". Actually, I've read it twice -- the first time, right after the bomb, it just freaked me out. H was NOT interested in our M., could offer NO reassurance to me, was iffy about ow, etc. It was really depressing.
I read it again about a month ago (more?) and was really happy to see how far we had come. H. is just not the kind of guy who's going to easily open up about the A, etc. so I still feel a bit stymied by that but...
Now, well, I don't know how things are now...we've kind of entered a scary phase where H. seems angry and distracted. I'm actually very much wondering if ow is somehow back in the picture.. ah, not my problem, right?
Anyway, about those boxers....I figure you gotta figure the things to let go, the things to make a joke about (get those stinkin' boxers off the floor or else!) and the things to B*&^H about -- figuring THAT out is what piecing's all about, right?
Anyway, I think you're in an awesome place right now!
Sage
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
I was a fool.
