One of my resolutions for 2008 is that I'm going to start writing. I thought the best place to start would be with this amazing online community. The tragedy, drama, humour, but above all human compassion, of all of you is breathtaking.
It would appear mine is a typical story for this board - married for 15 yrs, have 2 girls, I'm oblivious and happily cruising into my golden years...then bang...I don't love you but we should stay together for the kids...I stumble through the months and she has an affair with her kick-boxing instructor and then miscarries their baby...the great twist here was she asked whether I'd adopt the baby and we could bring it up together!...I had enough sense to say no, and then she went through the trauma of trying to organise an abortion...luckily Mr Big upstairs intervened.
Currently its been 15 months - for those that are at the beginning of this journey, and can't imagine another day let alone another year, then all I'd say is you will stumble, fumble and crawl through the time...in moments of less pain (the pain is permanent and doesn't go away!) you will be surprised that you are still breathing and you have managed to continue living. I think some are able to get stronger and wiser sooner, but overall the time creates layers of strength and protection that you don't realise. The most crippling aspect is the constant mental turmoil...what happened? what's she thinking? when will this end? what should i do?...this totally consumed me, and even now I have this dull background noise in my head. I'm a relatively cerebral guy, and my sister told me that I can't "think" myself out of this situation. I think having friends or family to discuss and help maintain sanity is vital. On your own its so painful, dark and lonely that its impossible to function. My sister and my wife's elder brother have been amazing. They have never condoned her behaviour, but have always asked me to think about the bigger picture, and think about her pain (I look at her old photos and her soft, sweet innocence of old is in stark contrast to her drained, haggard and nervous look now - obviously she tries to "tart" herself up when she goes out but it doesn't hide the reality).
We are still living in the same house, but in separate rooms. She's told me she's confused and simply wants clarity in her life. She feels we can never go back, and she currently can't imagine any kind of married relationship with me, but she's "fonder of me than her friends", and believes in the future we can reconnect. She's asked me to divorce and separate if I can't deal with the situation. She goes out regularly, and doesn't want me around because she doesn't know how to introduce me to her new crowd (husband? ex-husband? friend?), and wants to develop a life independent from me. This calmness is of course punctuated with anger and finger-pointing at me.
In 15 months we've gone from blissful marriage of high-school sweethearts, to "I hate you and want you out of my life. My new boyfriend is so loving and understanding", to having broken her constant contact with her lowlife boyfriend (though I suspect they still talk), to "I need space and maybe we can be friends but never husband and wife". I have yo-yo'd through this period and done some of the DB-stuff, and then had my back-slides. We've been on holidays, had dinner, but also fought.
So what do I do? There's only 2 choices - I can stay and be patient, or I can call it quits. I've invested all my adult life in this marriage, and like any investment I want to save it. However there's no guarantee of her state of mind, and when, or if, she comes back. In the meantime, I'm at my prime (physically, financially and socially), and wonder whether I should freeze, just when I was hoping to reap the rewards of all my hard work in my 20s and 30s. Quitting however will be no walk in the park...there's our girls, there's the lawyers, and there's silly stuff like we only have one fab hi-fi and who would get it. I think this decision comes down to that totally illogical and impossible issue of heart, love & feelings. What does my wife mean to me, and how much support should I give her during this period of her life? Is this a test of my marriage vows to be there for her "through thick and thin"? Each one of us has our own limits, and support for a spouse is useless if it destroys us in the process.
I'm hoping that time, Divine intervention, and my own self-focus will lead to a solution. I think I'm too scared of pressing the button to blow up my marriage (though my old marriage is finished anyway), and maybe this twilight zone of 2 humans with a common history, and sharing a house as they find themselves, is what my life is all about right now.
Things have got better we talk amicably most days. She often asks me for breakfast and lunch (but definitely no nights out together!), washes my underwear (!), cleans my room, and checks on me during the day. Having been through the worse, and not left (but that's probably because I was too shocked & stunned to react) a part of me feels that I should just hang-in there. However I'm not naive, and wonder if she's just being pleasant and polite without any intended aim at reconciliation. Its at this point that my mind starts to spiral downwards in a mass of confusion. I try to stop this useless thinking and stay focused on the here and now.
This leads me to a question of whether she's fully aware, and is simply having "her cake and eating it". She has all the trappings of a marriage - house, kids, finance, security etc. - without the husband. I could easily have answered this question for the woman I married - she would never have done this. However has my wife changed, and am I dealing with a new person who has different views? More accurately, is her current thinking temporary or permanent? This question continuously pounds away in my head.
Right now I'm trying to focus on myself - reach out to my family, work hard (I've moved to a new job 4 months ago - I was fired from my previous one probably because I was such a mess following my wife's bomb), exercise, learn tennis, read more and start writing, and renewing my faith and connection to God. I'm struggling with loneliness and lack of a woman's touch, but I'm slowly pulling myself together. Yesterday the clock struck midnight, and as the New Year came in, I thought "Enough...I'm going to focus on myself and my 2 daughters". My wife is at her parents, and we'd planned to be there all together as a family. Then at the last minute she changed her mind and said they were her family and I had no right to be there. She called me names, and in anger I threw the phone on the floor and said enough. Maybe that was my patience snapping and ushering in my new era of detachment.
Its been hard to detach and grow, when she's in my face everyday. However I also get to see her daily struggle, and weakness too; its not just a strutting gloat over her success in taking advantage of her "loser ex-husband".
God has given me immense reserves of patience, and I know I can get through this. The only question that I find difficult to deflect is how I'll feel when she wakes up. Will our distance have become too great to cross? This is in the future, and I just pray God guides us to the right point. My heart tells me I'll always love her and will accept her back warts and all.
Its taken me 15 months to reach some form of comprehension of what's happened. Forget denial, I was in cloud cuckoo land...it was almost an out of body feeling, where I could see myself shuffling through life but had no way of intervening. I think my pain/shock has been compounded by the length and depth of our relationship. I first met my wife when we were 12 years old, and our 16 years of marriage was just me and her taking on life and winning. We talked for hours, we shared everything and our love life was awesome. Having experienced that and then to suddenly face a total reversal was too much. I look back and am convinced I probably had a mini-breakdown without fully realising it. I'm not letting the past cloud my judgement, but its all part of my stepping back and trying to understand myself, and my feelings.
I cannot move on until I've understood where I am. Toughness and strength are not the issue, I could end it now, but then what? I don't know what I want and where I go from here. My wife (or should that be ex-wife?) is getting a window of opportunity to work through her issues while I finally come out of my haze of denial and get ready to move things along. I'm focused on me right now and am trying to ignore her and her behaviour (though I still have days when I snap and let her get under my skin and affect me).
Our kids have been hugely affected, but all I can do is provide the best environment; either in a separated home or a single home with disconnected parents. I want my girls to learn some lessons about staying strong and trying to tackle problems. I never want them to be quitters or people who run at the first sign of trouble. Perhaps I'm wrong, but my current analysis suggests that they get more comfort and security from having both parents around.
Right now I'm in a much better place than I've ever been. Is it perfect? Hell no its awful but I need to keep things in perspective...I'm reminded of Eugene O'Kelly's book "Chasing Daylight" (Eugene was a hugely successful CEO of KPMG Americe when he got diagnosed with terminal cancer and this book is a moving record of his last few months of life - given all of our messed lives and marriages this is a very short and apt book) in which he feels grateful for his lifestyle allowing him to have an easier trip for his chemotherapy than poorer patients bussing in from miles away and taking hours. I'm getting stronger (and funnily I see my wife getting weaker and more troubled...very odd dynamics) and I feel God is slowly equipping me with all the emotional tools to fight for a great second half of my life. If that includes my wife then great, and if it doesn't then great too.
Probably my biggest problem right now isn't my wife and her behaviour, but my roving eye. For 16 years I had eyes for no one and adored my wife and only thought of her and looked out for her. No other woman registered. Now I notice all these gorgeous women and am mesmerised by their curves and the way their dresses flow. The smallest flick of hair will catch my eye. The worst moments are in a lift when a woman walks in and fills that tiny enclosed space with her perfume. Time seems to stop and I literally get high on the fragrance. I often look for eye contact and without consciously realising start smiling. Ok maybe I've gone a little over the top in my description, but this is not healthy. I don't have it in me to have an affair, but I so desparately miss the charming company of a woman, and the ultimate pleasure of a warm silken body to embrace as I sleep.
After all this emotional toughening up, we should all be considered the special forces of mental combat. Honestly if we can get through this, then we are invincible and can deal with any of life's ups and downs. In a strange masochistic sense there's almost a twisted pleasure in being tested and somehow understanding we are all better humans than we really knew.
By the way I'd read that writing is a great therapy, and I'm surprised how effective this posting has been for me.
An apt summary is a quote from Churchill (an inspirational man and please read his quotes and biography - try the one written by Roy Jenkins)...."When you are in hell..keep going". Also Nietzsche..."Whatever doesn't destroy me, makes me stronger".
I pray God blesses all of you with a better 2008. I pray we all become better human beings, and we are able to move towards happier lives. Above all I pray our WASs find the issues that are troubling them so deeply, and resolve them before more damage is done to them and all around them.
I honestly enjoyed reading your post today - you are very good at putting into words what many of us live every day. I too have taken this New Year's Day to choose to detach. I have lived my own hell for the past 17 months, an affair that just wouldn't go away, and even today I wonder... So many similarities: high school sweethearts, soul-mates, a beautiful daughter, oblivious to what was going wrong in my marriage. As you said, your story is typical.
The only thing we can really control is ourselves and we are each responsible for our own happiness. My own motto is, in fact, Nietzsche's quote, and I'm not dead yet!
Detaching simply allows us to give ourselves permission to put ourselves first, to take care of ourselves, to makes ourselves happy without feeling we are taking something away from our spouses. This is a very difficult task when you love someone so much, when that someone has come to, at least in part, define who you have become. Do not be alarmed by your attraction to other women - let that feeling remind you that you are a man who is worthy of love, affection, respect, not some stray dog to be ignored and thrown scraps to.
I wish you success in your detaching, and may you discover how truly wonderful you are in the process. Your wife may find this out for herself in the end.
fooled again
What does not destroy me, makes me stronger.
FA:43, H:42 D:7 M:10 yrs, T:24 yrs EA:?, PA:1/06 S:3/07 EA/PA ongoing Aborted attempt to move home 07/08
In my long rambling posting (perhaps I was suffering from writers' block and my decision to detach opened the floodgates) I forgot to ask a key question:
WHEN WE DETACH WITH A PMA, AND ACT "AS IF", DO WE CONDONE OUR WAS'S BEHAVIOUR AND ADD FUEL TO THEIR TRIP TO LA LA LAND?
Perhaps my own circumstances are complicated by the fact that we are still living together. My W has stayed at home, dropped her bomb, had an affair (with a miscarried pregnancy), and still remains disconnected. Isn't she looking for me to detach, so she can have the space & time to really build her independent life?
These questions really haunted me previously, but thankfully I've taken a more relaxed attitude in 2008. I don't know, and I can't influence her in anyway. However the thoughts of others on these point would be welcome.
I think the whole Divorce Busting idea (inclusing detaching, PMA, Get-a-life) is to unhook you from the drama and help you to live your life in a positive, rich way. It's, in a sense, a siege-mentality approach. If you want to save your marriage NO MATTER WHAT, and given that some situations last years rather than months, then you need to be able to function during the "siege" with enough emotional oxygen in your life.
I think some people won't change until the situation gets too painful for them. With your wife it may be the futility of her adolescent flight of fancy that wakes her up, or it may be your giving her a needed dose of reality.
At some point it will become clear that you can't live as her sugar-daddy anymore.
I think there's this cheery-faced, "I'm the rock who is always there for you" approach, which often-times is nothing more than unhealthy stasis.
If you are at the top of your game, and living life at your razor's edge, maintaining a warrior spirit and manly sense of adventure in your life, then all you need to do wait it out until you get tired of waiting.
If, in some sense, something new and engaging would enliven you and re-aninmate your call to adventure, then, perhaps, that might be a healthy thing for you to pursue for yourself and, potentially, your marriage. How about something cliche, like taking a hard-core form of Okinawan Karate that will train you in being a human weapon? You know, something that will train you to lethally poke out the trachea of a kick-boxer? ;-) Taking up rock-climbing?
I have to agree with Theo.. when I first read your post, my first instinct was to respond with "Dude... write a book... you'd do well!!"
Seriously.
Sounds like you are at the great crossroads. How you survived this long with that going on is beyond me. I have great respect and admiration for those who can put up with this stuff while under the same roof. I couldn't.
Now.. it does help when they get the dose of reality. They lose time with the kids, they have to "earn" their way. They have to pay bills while fulfilling their fantasies.. this eventually catches up to them and they fall right back into the same traps that made them leave.
As for Martial Arts.. Jujitsu would be something worth while. I've read where a beginner Jujitsu student could man handle a Black Belt in Karate. I'm looking into this.. I can already lethally poke out trachea's.. just looking for some ground skills!!
As for other women.. that's tough. I look at it this way.. as Theo points out, detaching, GAL, etc is all about you. Why should you suffer and go through life pining over someone who isn't interested? It can also be perceived by the WAS as "Well... nobody else wants them... why should I?"
You do things when you are dating/courting. You dress nicer, you smell nicer, you take care of yourself better. All of this will become very clear to the WAS. "What's he doing? Is he seeing someone?" The response is very quick.
I'm not saying to go out and date, but maybe start sprucing yourself up like you are and see what happens.
Bottom line.. you are a person who is worth having and loving.. show her that. Not by pursuing or doing things for her, but for yourself and somebody else. Could be her in the end right?
Firstly thank you so much for your compliment on my writing. I've always harboured a secret ambition to write, and one of my first resolutions for 2008 was I'm just going to get up and get stuck in. Therefore I posted to this website, and today I nosed around a bookshop to look at bestseller lists and try to get a feel for what people are reading.
Funnily my W (everytime I say that I do a double-take...does she deserve to be called my W when she isn't behaving as one...but then we aren't divorced and so she can't be my ex-W...in the past this would have prompted a mini-space trip for me...I would have detached from the reality around me and started thinking about the great W she was etc...now I state this for the benefit of the readers of this forum, and just move on) used to say I was a great writer but was too lazy to write. Well guess what this dude has turned in 2008. I'm not going to write for her, but I'm going to write for myself. Perhaps this little example is an illustration of GALling and in the process getting the WAS to notice.
My sister once told me that my W is a runner. She'll just keep running so she doesn't need to stop and do some painful inner reflection and analysis. Running both physically and emotionally (she goes out late a lot, and is closed to me and all her family) must be tiring and my sister predicted one day she would simply collapse out of sheer exhaustion. I don't want this to happen, but can definitely see the signs. She goes out to bars and clubs, and then complains you don't meet "nice people" at these places. I told her Mr Prince Perfect with the body of a Greek God, the mind of a Nobel Laureate and a soul of the Dalai Lama won't be hanging around the cheaper parts of town waiting to pick up damaged goods. Ok I didn't quite say those words because the sarcasm would have definitely led to conflict, but I did point out that decent family people are usually found in more boring places.
Therefore is a part of me simply steeling myself to wait for her burnout? I think the picture of a "siege" is perfect. I need to stay alive and flourish. But boy oh boy has it been tough to watch this chaos from so close up. A part of me feels shes getting ready for another A, perhaps even with the loser kick-boxer. Oh by the way I need to add some details to this loser. He's 29, went out with a girl for 9 yrs, married her, and then had a baby girl with her. The wife ran away when the daughter was about 3 mths, and a few mths later he latched onto my W. If our WASs found perfect partners, and ran off into the Garden of Eden for a perfect life in paradise, then I'm sure we'd all applaud and ask them for road maps. Why the hell do they give up perfect human lives (stable partners, stable homes, stable kids, and the sight of a golden retirement in prospect) for losers? Above all, the LBSs are shown to be totally incredible and willing to understand, accomodate and forgive the most fundamental betrayals of humanity. Aren't the LBSs actually shown to be the Mr & Mrs Perfect that we are all seeking. Every single story on this forum seems to have this common thread.
I'm already a fitness nut, and have decided I'm going to increase my activity by learning to play tennis and golf. I'd love to do some martial arts, but it would just remind me of the loser, and I might take up fencing like my hero Churchill. In addition, I'm turning 40 this year, and have to follow the cliched path of getting a motorbike license and going on a road trip to find myself!
In her current state of mind, my W would probably be delighted if I got out and started dating. It would excuse her behaviour, and also get me out of her space. However in thinking this, I'm already breaking the cardinal rule, we have no f@#$king clue what's going on in their head and we shouldn't trouble ourselves. Just focus on ourselves.
jar I've briefly skimmed your story, and will read more deeply later, but it seems we have similar issues of being in love with Ws who don't care. Honestly I think we are in love with a person who existed in the past. This person vowed to love us till death do us part, she had kids with us, and she cherished us. That person is either dead or has been abducted by "aliens". We don't know which one and can't change our realities. There's a horrible selfish person in front of us, and we need to do the best we can. I read somewhere that we should treat them as a "friend in need", and not get emotionally mangled. All this is easy to say but impossible to do.
An interesting angle on this whole mess is the Mars and Venus differences. Men are solution driven...family is hungry so go get food, need money so get work etc. When our Ws go nuts we want to pester, poke and dig until we arrive at the problem. When we solve the problem everything will be magically fixed. Our Ws clam up and don't tell us anything, and that's why its such a bomb when our fairytale life is suddenly blown apart. We then stomp around in frustration, sulk and do so many other childish things because we're not getting our way. This is very unattractive to our Ws and they find losers around them who don't have any baggage and so behave impeccably. Women on the other hand (ok I know this is a minefield, and I'm going to get killed for gender generalisation and discrimination, but I'm a Brit and so political correctness isn't such a big deal...but sorry in advance ladies!) want empathy, understanding and compassion. Women love to be understood, listened to and made to feel special. They don't want solutions, and remember their Dads simply took care of everything. I suppose DB works because we guys are told (actually we should have this slammed into our heads!), there's no solution, you can't help her, and so back off, GAL, and just become a better human.
All sounds good, but man oh man I miss the warmth of my W in my bed. Its not the sex, its simply the warmth of the woman of your dreams fast asleep next to you. In some ways the caveman thinks, duh I've done good cos I've provided enough comfort and security for my woman to be peacefully asleep. I always found my W the most beautiful when she was asleep. There was no socially driven layer of make-up or clothing, just the simple beauty of nature. I'd often wake in the middle of the night and just stare at her, and be so grateful for being married to my princess. Well that's a distant dream and I'm not going to dwell on it because it will drag me down. I don't listen to love songs anymore for the same reason...too many painful memories.
By the way do any of the folk on this site get together? It would be great to meet some of you amazing people in 2008.
Here's another of my favourite quotes:
If you have built castles in the air, your work need not be lost; that is where they should be. Now put foundations under them.
Henry David Thoreau
Take care of yourselves because your WASs sure ain't!
Although I am not a writer..hehe.. you certainly should take it up!
Although I don't have to many words of wisdom as theo.. I can remember when my H and I dated we were young too and I never though he could have done the things he's done to me either. Its like blind trust.. which is so dangerous, but why would we think any different.
I never thought for a million years that he could hurt me so, but it happend, and at least im alive to tell about it.
It is totally normal to miss your W and the warm feeling of her next to you.. you are only human.. and that my friend is where will power comes in.
These spouses have serious issues, and all we can do is gal, and try to go on.
There is hope.
tal
me: 37 H: 44 Married for 18 years this june S7 S3 porn issues, and much more... since 7/06
Happiness can be found, even in the darkest of times, if one only remembers to turn on the light.
Thanks for your encouragement. I hope these postings at the start of a New Year are the beginnings of a new Me. I always wanted to write, and here I am pouring my heart out.
Living through our individual hells, and trying to GAL would be impossible if there weren't so many of us out there. This feeling of not being alone is very powerful. I wouldn't wish this nightmare on anyone (other than the OPs in our WASs affairs!), especially not all you wonderful people. However its comforting to know that we haven't been singled out for a huge helping of a "Sh#tty Life with Misery Sauce" whilst everyone else on this planet is deliriously happy!
The theory of GAL is so simple, but its practice is so difficult. Especially if one is older, set in their ways, and so used to doing everything with their WAS. I wish we could all get together and have one huge GAL party. Just scream, go nuts and let out all our frustrations with people who are exactly on the same page. There are times I just want to lean out the window and literally howl with rage at the sky...IS ANYONE UP THERE? WHAT'S GOING ON?
I read an interesting little theory today about being positive, and thereby attracting positivity. If you wake up grumpy then you normally stub your toe, burn your toast, get caught in traffic and generally have a negative day. However if you win a big client at work, clear the tables in Vegas or beat your personal best at sport, then you sort of get on a positive roll and the day goes great. I'm not sure if its got any new age inner power background, but it makes sense in that winners always seem to win, losers just whine. I suppose our GALling means being positive and therefore getting some positivity out of our WASs. It must be very tiring for a WAS to be negative and harsh with someone who's positive and upbeat. This is almost like a battle of good versus evil, positive versus negative, and we all know the good guys win in the end! Obviously being permanently positive in isolation is very tough, and that's our challenge. We should be here in 2008 to try and keep everyone focused on GALling and positivity. We should harness the net and this community for our own source of energy. The key is to keep coming here even when the going is good, because when we're down its already too late for positivity. We'll backslide and have a bad day.
I'm cheering for everyone, and sending out lots of positive vibes. Funnily enough maybe I'm being so positive because W isn't at home; she's at her parents. I've got the house to myself since before New Year, and I've been focusing on reinventing myself. Would I be so positive if she was growling around the house, or all tarted up and ready to hit the town? In the past it would have probably pulled me down, but I hope I'm stronger and I'm actually wanting her to return so I can test my resolve.
Strangely, when I am feeling low I come to these forums, write and read and find myself offering positive encouragement to others. I often find it difficult to stay focused though, so the more I read and the more I write, the more I am reminded of what it is that I need to do. Especially detaching.
I find that the hardest part of GALing is that it is something we have to do on our own, thinking of ourselves, with the goal of making oneself a better person, stronger, independent, reinvented from the insecure, bitter, hurt people we have become. But all the while through my efforts and changes, at least for me, I find that my eye is still on my H, "Does he notice? Does this make me more attractive to him? Is this something the OW would or wouldn't be capable of?" It's really quite ridiculous, and counterproductive, but a trap from which I am loathe to extract myself because if I am completely detached, does that mean I no longer care about my H? What happens if I'm so good at GALing that decide I don't want to stay with my WAH even if he comes around? I sometimes wonder if I were single today and met my H, would I fall in love with him?
To think that you have come this far on your own and have maintained your sanity and self respect is amazing. If you haven't heard of "The Secret", you might like to read/watch it. It concerns attracting positivity, the way you described it. Despite the fact that it sounds rather hokey, I think it's worth a look. I have also been recommended the movie "What the Bleep Do We Know" (I haven't watched that one yet).
I think some of the veterans in the midwest have gotten together for lunch, but what an interesting party that would be. It would have to be in Vegas or Disney World or some similarly surreal location.
drz, you sound as though you have the right attitude to make it through this trip through Hell. I've no doubt you'll see daylight eventually and I will be following your thread for more inspiration (and a really good read). Good luck with your writing. I can't think of a better time than now to follow your dreams.
FA
What does not destroy me, makes me stronger.
FA:43, H:42 D:7 M:10 yrs, T:24 yrs EA:?, PA:1/06 S:3/07 EA/PA ongoing Aborted attempt to move home 07/08
Your point about this vicious circle of GALling whilst keeping an eye on our WASs is an illustration of the fact that we haven't detached. We are still connected to our WASs and therefore still on their roller-coaster. The key is to GAL for ourselves, so we can get off the roller-coaster and let them travel on their stomach churning journey alone. We can wait at the exit to pick them up and carry them home. However will we want to take them home after their journey? Or even more to the point, if we GAL ourselves to a point where we want something different.
Shouldn't the idea of GAL excite us? Shouldn't we be thrilled that our WASs have deleted themselves from our lives, and so we have time to ourselves which would have been spent tending their needs? Change is scary, especially from the security of a comfortable domestic situation. But guess what, our WASs put a bomb under that security and we can't sit in the wreckage looking dazed. They started this process and we just need to stand up and take back ourselves. GALling might lead you away from your H, but he's not there anyway. Hopefully when he wakes up, he'll be that attractive man that you first loved. I think our loves are so deep (look at how much we are going through for their sakes) that we will easily forgive and move on once our WASs wake up. In fact I believe the love will be deeper, stronger and truer because it will have been tested to the point of destruction and still survived. The key of course will be the behaviour and reaction of our WASs. If they wake up full of remorse and appreciate the rock that has been the LBS, then the fairytale will have a happy ending. If they never wake up, then GALling means we have given ourselves chances to live.
FA, if you and your H were both single and happy people, then I believe you would automatically click again. I know people are supposed to change, but I believe our essential natures are hard-wired from birth with a little fine tuning done by parenting. Therefore your attraction would be the same. However the key here is that H has changed and so your life has been turned upside down. The old H would never have done this. GALling allows us time to preserve our sanities and survive the "siege" whilst we wait to see if this change is permanent. Some people will not have the patience to wait, and this has to be respected. Its not called quitting, and reflects our different experiences and our different levels of tolerance. Many people would say to me that I'm nuts to be around a woman who has cheated on me, and still lives in the same house..."Kick out that ungrateful b*tch so she gets a taste of reality". In fact, I've been told that staying together is simply a reflection of my weakness and me not wanting to lose something I love so much. Maybe this is why some of us GAL up to a point, and then stop. We fear losing our partners. There are no straight and easy answers, and each one of us has to stop and look inside to see what makes us tick.
You are a great woman, caught in impossible circumstances, and you should bear your battle honours with pride. You should also know that GALling will only make you even better. What if you ended attracting someone even better than H? Someone who cherished everything about you, never lied to you, and looked after your every need. That was your H, but not right now. No one knows what the future holds, so please make the most of the present by GALling your socks off!
Each day that passes, is a day that is lost forever. How many days of living are we going to let our WASs steal from us? We need to find something in each day that makes us happy, and allows us to appreciate our blessings. I have decided that my W is not stealing my life. Life is too short and I'm going to GAL and appreciate each day. So I don't have my W, but at least I'm not disabled, poor, hungry or homeless. I live in a safe part of the world with no conflict and I have 2 gorgeous daughters. Time to make the most of what we have, and squeeze as much juice from our lives as we possibly can.
