Hey, Charcoal. How you doing? How was Pearl Jam? I missed the show here, but have ordered the "official bootleg" of the show from the website. Got great reviews. Looking forward to hearing it, although live would've been nice. How are things on your front? Did you get "all over it"? Vista
oh my gosh, vista, pearl jam ruled! it was an amazing experience through and through ~ did you get the San Antonio bootleg, too? oh, i hope so, people are saying it's the best performance in YEARS!!!!
i left the h on a good note (yes, btw) and came back yesterday (our seventh anniversary) to smiles and happy faces.
confirmed to H that I had been faithfull
H seems pretty distant these days. Scheduling lots of activities for himself, that sort of thing. H said "I know I can't depend on this R to last... so i have to do my own thing" H scheduled a night out every night this week and is going away all next weekend. It kinda made me wonder what's going on? Like, I'M supposed to have the kids all night and all weekend without help? Cook, clean, organize, whatever... all by myself? I'm wondering what on earth is going on.
Is H DB-ing, or what? He hasn't read DR yet so I'm wondering....
It's definitely time for me to get to my goals.
thanks for checking in vista, cool that you're a pj fan... have you checked out Synergy? It's a pj message board with lots of fanviews (tons of non-related static, too), but it's a good way to pick out boot legs.
I've been reading a little about your sitch, I haven't read all of it so pls forgive if I seem presumptuous. Kudos to you for hanging in there.
Quote: H seems pretty distant these days. Scheduling lots of activities for himself, that sort of thing.
This quote is eerily familiar of my sitch - this is something I did when things started coming off the rails with W and I. When W scheduled time with her friends I became resentful because I thought we needed more time together, not apart. Then I'd schedule more activities away from her, and so on until we were basically each others babysitter not H and W. Looking back it was sort of childish behaviour on both our parts (and, yes, I started it) - we wouldn't say what was on our minds, just this tit-for-tat stuff to kinda get a dig in on the other person.
I don't mean to judge or offer any solution for you - it just struck a familiar chord with me. I tended to lay around on the couch, not offering any help to W because I was hurt and very resentful at the time. I figured to hell with her, let her do it all if she wants to - I wasn't going to offer anything to help her out or to comfort this person who I thought was deliberately trying to hurt me. Make sense? Of course not...it doesn't to me either, now. One of my 180's after our separation was to be a better Dad - now I pick D up from school nearly everyday, take them to church and Sunday School on my weekends with them, listen to them, and do my damnest to appreciate every moment I am with them. I think I'm probably closer to them now than ever.
I saw PJ years ago on the Lollapalooza '92 tour w/ Soundgarden, Ministry & RHCP - one of the best shows I'm sure I'll ever see. I was wondering - would H have enjoyed the PJ show? Did you offer him an invite? Is this time apart helpful for you or is it creating more problem?
Hang in there, I hope things improve for you. I know for myself I have no idea where this whole journey will end but I do know I've learned a lot about myself in the process.
I took my younger set (sons 6&3) to spend a long weekend with dad in Louisana.
We had a great time. We went to eat a buffet near the hotel. H just got his own plate while I dealt with the boys and their plates. He said I'm so sorry. It's just an automatic thing. The evening before he had helped. It wasn't a consious thing he did. Charcoal it's a conditioned habit.
We had so much fun at the New Orleans Zoo.
Be sure lady and meet all his needs, have fun doing it too.
Will Win was right on about the E-mails.
Mat does sound gun shy and thats okay too. You need to stay the course Charcoal and show him that you are for real. Plan a outing or two with the kids fun stuff away from home, with H, then come home put babies happily to sleep and rock his world.
Those other skanks sound nasty.
Hang in there.
Kim
"Those who don't read, have no
advantage over those who can't"
Mark Twain
Hi. Glad you enjoyed PJ. Figured you would. My last show was the Stones in Feb. Pretty incredible, too, from the second row behind stage, although obviously on a different level.
So isn't "cooking, cleaning, organizing, whatever" all by yourself what led to this situation in the first place, Charcoal? Along with "having the kids all night and all weekend without help"?
And your answer, Kim, is "meet all his needs and have fun doing it, too"? Am I missing something?
To my credit, when I figured out I needed to pitch in more, I did. Always was great at taking care of the kids and being there in the middle of night, and giving her time to see friends, etc., but not great with housework and cooking. Nonetheless, the changes didn't do anything but get me separated when the W said she had "tried so hard" (except for letting go of the anger and resentment, of course, and refusing to go to joint counseling). But fighting a MLC, like she is, not a lot makes sense sometimes.
I guess I'd like my W to have taken your advice, Kim, but at least I would have made some changes and deserved it, so to speak. I'm not so sure about Matt. Thoughts?
Hello I don't know your sitch. I do alot of Charcoal's. We tried alot of the same things..... What I meant by meet his needs? I was talking about sex and by having fun I meant don't do it grudgingly SP? but be sincere. There is no doubt that Mat loves Charcoal. Yet he is insecure and he's also being pursued by other women.
So hey since Charcoal knows she loves him and she wants to work on the marriage....well sex can't be used as a weapon. It's a connection and even though my h loves our kids....well I did most of the work. He's helped alot though lately.
I really don't know what else to say except I was a WAW. Alot of our issues from the past haven't really been addressed, but Vista the thing is I don't care. We are becoming friends again. I don't have time to waste being mad and upset over small stuff.
Kim
My old threads are in newcomers under KIP. As in Knowledge Is Power Charcoal had problems with calling a girl Kip.
Peace
"Those who don't read, have no
advantage over those who can't"
Mark Twain
Quoting jim_van: I figured to hell with her, let her do it all if she wants to - I wasn't going to offer anything to help her out or to comfort this person who I thought was deliberately trying to hurt me. Make sense? Of course not...it doesn't to me either, now. One of my 180's after our separation was to be a better Dad - now I pick D up from school nearly everyday, take them to church and Sunday School on my weekends with them, listen to them, and do my damnest to appreciate every moment I am with them. I think I'm probably closer to them now than ever.
jim_van ~ can't tell you how nice it is to hear what you had to say... 'specially that THAT behavior doesn't make sense to you now.... gives me hope that someday the H will be able to laugh at himself.
i spoke at length with H last night. there's been a lot of talk on his part about not being able to deal with "me". he's not getting specific needs met, and honestly, I feel like it's HIS job to "win me back". i mean, i'm giving him a chance to do that, which is more than a lot of people get. right? how can he expect me to be like I used to be, and for heaven's sake, why would he want me to?
before, sex was almost always something I caved in to doing 'cuz H'd would be all mad and passive/aggressive about it. so... okay.... let's go.... (ugh!). i totally had my reasons for not wanting to be with him, primarily the SOUR MASH effluent from each of his pores....
all i'm saying is that i'm willing to let him "win me back". the child in me so desparately hopes she's worth the effort in his opinion, too, but willing to accept that maybe she's not if that's the case.
It was a major bone of contention with us also. I felt like someone else needed something from me and I was tired of giving all the time. The little girl in me also wanted my H to desperately fight to win me back. Which he did for 7 months and I was super B****! Wish i could take alot of that stuff back but I just wanted him to leave me alone and take the kids so I could chill out and think. It never happened or if he did take them it would be because I threw a fit to get him to leave I know you want him to win you back. But you both are equally hurting. After XOW came into our world I just wanted my H to slow down and think, not react. SO he never did pursue me....I still hurt but not about our old R. I still need to calm down and I'm getting better. Still have to see skank, still feel guilty about calling her that but its true. She was evil. He was so friggen stupid and oh well I was an idiot too.
But anyway life is okay. Honey you are married and really even though you may not like it you are his ride. He's yours too. You need to meet those needs of his and vise versa. I wish it was all easy and its not but the renewed friendship is worth it. Think I will shut up..... Kim
"Those who don't read, have no
advantage over those who can't"
Mark Twain
You know, KIP, I sure wish you could talk to my wife. All she does is "waste time being mad and upset over small stuff." And the past is always ever-present.
Amyway, I'm not suggesting you should cut him off or anything, Charcoal, there just seems to be a disconnect that would be nice to resolve on your parts. (Wouldn't we all like that.) With him providing no help with the house or kids, it must feel like the opposite of trying to be won back. And if you keep giving and he keeps moving away, doesn't seem like it will work. But then, enter the X-OM, and maybe it does make some sense. (But I'm not, this is starting to feel like.)
I think the jim_van quote may say a lot. It bums me out because I came around, and was never in that space. I was always great with the kids and getting up at night with them, and giving my W freedom to go out and do things (actually encouraging her), but was not great with housework and cooking. Yet when confronted, tried to deal with her requests. But in her MLC, I'm still blamed for ruining 12 years of her life, and now I get to sit out this separation and wait and see. I'm haning in there and enjoying and working on myself most of the time, but when you reach out and get slapped, it hurts. I'm guessing that's what you're feeling, Charcoal.
BTW, my PJ bootleg CD showed up yesterday. Fine stuff. Sounds great. Vista
