25 y/o MLC?? HELP- I want to save my marriage!!

[darkestangel]

I'm 23, my H is 25. We dated for 3 years in middle/high school, broke up for a few years and reunited after high school. We've been married for 3 1/2 years, with a 3 year old d.

A couple weeks ago, I noticed H was starting to pay attention to his looks alot more- he started getting dressed better to go to work, doing his hair, etc. We'd had issues a few years ago where he was talking with women online, so I suspected that he was interested in someone at work. One night I called (he works graveyard), and they said he wasn't there- he had left early.

The next morning, i asked him how work was. He gave me the song and dance about how busy it was and how late he worked. When I confronted him, he admitted he was out with his "friend", who I highly suspect is his OW. He started yelling about how he doesn't love me, and how I make him miserable. 5 minutes into the fight, he drops the D word.

I work 8-12pm, and after work I came home to an empty apartment. He had packed all of his stuff- his clothes, his movies, his toiletries- everything. He said he was staying at his moms and left. We only have 1 car- he left me with no car, no money, no food- and our 3 y/o d.

I cried all night. The first 2 days were hell. I took a day off work, and he came by to talk. The talk lasted 10 minutes. He says he never wanted all this responsibility, he feels like he missed out. I love you but I'm not in love with you. I care about you, but I don't love you like I used to. I want a divorce. I told him that we had so much history- I had loved him through everything and I loved him still. I know all his good points and his bad points and I love all of him. He said he didn't love me. He still says he doesn't love me. I've lost 20 pounds in less than 2 weeks from the stress.

That was 4 days before Christmas. Since then, he's been staying at his moms. He takes our D for the weekends, and our contact is very short. I'm buying a car next week, and until then he still drives me to work. One morning, he was late picking me up because he spent the night at his OW house, and he also takes our D to go out with her.

he won't talk to me about our relationship. He won't even consider counseling or trying even a separation. He wants a divorce. He doesn't hang out with our friends much, he's immersed himself with his OW and her friends. Some days he's very cold to me, some days he's like his usual self.

the first week, i cried nonstop. The past few days, after finding this board, i've been trying some of the techniques. he hasn't warmed up much, but he seems more comfortable around me.
He tells me he 100% wants a divorce. He tells me he won't even consider a separation or counseling, or working it out. He tells me that he doesn't love me.

All this that he has done to me, and I love him so much. Our marriage wasn't perfect, we both made mistakes, but I just know we could work through it. I feel like he put so little value on our marriage, on me- that he's so willing to throw it away. I'm left here with no car, no money. H wanted me to stay at home, i did for 2 1/2 years. I insisted on working p/t, and I'm so happy I did and found my job- or else we'd have nothing.

I want so much to plead with him, but I haven't in 2 days. It's so hard, but I'm trying.

His dad had mlc/ depression issues. His dad ran off a couple times on his mom before ultimately divorcing her when H was a teen. His dad and all of his uncles have been married 2 or 3 times. H also has low self esteem. i always put him up, but then he'd say that he gained weight because I cooked too much for him (or the wrong things), or that I "let" him stay home from work and that's why we had money issues, or that I "let" him spend too much money on his hobbies.

he's 25. is it too young for MLC? Everyone in our lives tell me to just let go and move on, to accept his decision and know that one day he'll regret it. H has made up his mind, and he won't even talk to me. I've been given no reason other than he doesn't love me.

I love him so much. Part of me wants to give up and protect my own emotions, to harden myself and give him what he wants. But there's a small part of me that hopes. That hopes and hopes and hopes.

[darkestangel]

It's so frustrating because he won't talk to me. I've known H since I was 12 years old, we've always been able to talk. But he just won't say anything besides I don't love you like I used to.

He's also addicted to video games. Even when we had no extra income, he always bought a new game every week. Sometimes he played 30+ hours a week, while working a 40 hour workweek. Maybe he was depressed, and trying to fill the void with something?

He went through a depression a few years before we got back together. Maybe he's been depressed and I didn't see it.

[darkestangel]

H put up a blog online, saying that he knows he's being a d*ck and a selfish @ssh*le, and how he just wants everyone to shut up and accept it. He said he should just kill himself and end it all. I asked him about it the next day, he said he was just pissed off.

[missmyfriend]

DA, I am sorry you find yourself here. It is very tough, at any age, to have a spouse speak words like he did to you. Regardless of whether it is really MLC type behavior or not, he is acting in a manner that is not fair to you and your child. There is controversy whether a QLC (quarter life crisis) exists but personally I do believe in the "illness". His expression of needing space, not wanting the responsibility, with life passing him by can be some sort of crisis.

With his dad being a possible MLCer, he has not had the best role model for being a dad and husband.

Read the materials posted in the sticky threads in the MLC forum and, if you haven't already, pick up Michele's books.

Above all, take care of yourself and your D. I cannot tell what kind of parent your H is being at this point but your D needs one of you to be strong for her. This can be a very long road for you if this is a QLC.

Come back here and post often. There are a lot of great people here and they really care about others.

I am praying for you, your D and your H.

Again, try not to focus on what your H should be doing but what you should be doing. Do not read his blogs. They can only upset you.

[darkestangel]

please help. i don't want to give up on my marriage

[One Day]

Hi dark,

Sorry that you're finding yourself in this situation. You are in a great place to get advice though.

he's 25. is it too young for MLC?

IMHO, there is a transition that occurs in the mid-late 20s. However, there is no definitive set of 'symptoms' for the transition, and certainly my H's behaviour doesn't conform to either a QLC or MLC specifically- more it takes some aspects of both.

As an example, my H on the one hand says he has missed out on life (MLC?) but other times says that 'he just wants to be settled'. Have a read of some of the posts in this forum and in newcomers and you will find threads from people whose spouses are in a 'transitional life crisis' of one sort or another. I saw that term posted by Beth83 and like it!

Everyone in our lives tell me to just let go and move on, to accept his decision and know that one day he'll regret it.

You've read DR so you know the reasons to not pay too much attention to 'everyone'. Only you can decide if you want to stand for your M or not.

he won't talk to me about our relationship. He won't even consider counseling or trying even a separation.

Then don't initiate any further OR talks, or suggest ways to improve things. At this point, he is not receptive and pushing will make him run.

The past few days, after finding this board, i've been trying some of the techniques. he hasn't warmed up much, but he seems more comfortable around me.

That is great! Have you written goals? What techniques are you trying? Posting here generates really great feedback and advice on what to try, or not try as the case may be!

I want so much to plead with him, but I haven't in 2 days. It's so hard, but I'm trying.

Well done- that is a brilliant start!! Keep posting and reading the threads and resources on this thread and the others. I am rooting for you in this and thinking of you.

OD

[darkestangel]

He has OW, a coworker. i think it started as an EA, and now they're unofficially a couple. His friends and family never see him, he's always immersed with her and her friends. She is also, by the way, 12 years older than him. I remember him mentioning a while back that she was in a marriage at a young age and left her man.

[missmyfriend]

DA, what do you want? What do you need? How strong are you? Are you willing to tough it out and make changes about yourself? Are you focusing on him or on you?

The fact is the OW does not matter. She is a distraction. No one can promise you that your M will be restored but I can guarantee you that if you give up, it will be.

Again, what do you want? One Day has asked you to ask yourself some hard questions. Are you ready to respond?

[transformer]

Dear DA,

I am so sorry to hear that you are going through this, and I knwo you must be in so much pain. I wish I could give you a big hug! But you are in the right place, there are many kind people on this board who will give you wonderful advice and support you. Have you gotten divorce remedy yet?

I just found these yesterday on one of the threads and I wish I had had them earlier. Maybe you will find them helpful too? Sometimes it helps me to print stuff out and carry it around with me. When everything is on the computer screen it's just so "virtual".

JenJam's Top Ten DB Tips:

1. Don't panic. No-one ever made a great decision when in panic. You WILL panic, it's natural, but take NO ACTION when you are in that state. You have to do whatever it takes to calm down before you can tackle ANYTHING.

2. Don't depair. No-one ever got divorced in a week. Divorce, although too easy these days still take time. you DO have time to turn things about.

3. You first step is not to rebuild your R. Of course it's your ultimate aim but it's not going to happen first. Your very first step is to put the seed of doubt in WAS's mind. They have been unhappy and they consider D to be the answer. It's your job to show them that maybe there is an alternative. And I stress show. There is little you can do to talk them out of this beyond sympathising with their unhappiness and saying that IF D will make them happy then you won't stand in their way. If they are receptive to that, you could go further and say something like "we have had many good times together. Please think about this and make sure it really will make you happy. It's a lot to throw away".

4. Once you have said this back off and let them consider it. They need time. Your next step is GAL - no begging, crying or anger AT ALL. Your task is now part 2 of sowing the seeds of doubt about D - SHOWING WAS that things can be different. Now is the time to step back, put aside your ego and all thoughts of how unfair it all is (that just leads to bitterness, which is poison to a M) and REALLY look at yourself and decide if you are worthy of being WAS's spouse. I agree a M breakdown is rarely one sided but at this juncture it's more useful to look at your contribution. Look at yourself. Under a microscope. Decide if you've changed - are you happy with yourself, for you? Make changes. Now is the time for 180's. This stage also takes a long time too.

5. Time, time, time - it really IS on your side. The situation will not resolve as quickly as you hope. Don't compare your situation in terms of time with others'. It's very tempting to say "well, their situation is similar to mine and it took them 6 months so it will take me 6 months". Each situation is unique and needs its own timeframe.

6. Set your goals and decide on your first signs. This part took me a couple of months to really "get". I had to REALLY read chapter 6 of DR from "I'm discouraged" then go and review my goals before I saw any results.

7. Develop a duck's back - water slides off it. Patience + lack of panic = success.

8. Set goals for yourself as well as the R. Decide on what you want to achieve for you alone and reward your success. I know this sounds like step 4 again but it's more a case of making the changes rather than lamenting how awful you are. (I felt awful about myself for some time - bad and guilty. I did me no favours whatsoever, ended up with me feeling resentment. Much better to look forward than back - as Michelle says, look for solutions and take action)

9. Keep in mind that your actions could be frightening to WAS - you are not reacting in the way they wanted. They had this D all mapped out in their head and it's not panning out the way they thought. This has the added benefit that it leads them to think "if this isn't going the way I planned then maybe it isn't right", but it will take them a LONG TIME to come to this conclusion, to let go of their D comfort blanket. You can help them by being consistent with the positive changes. If you revert back to the you they find unacceptable then they feel perfectly justified in continuing with the D.

10. This is going to be tough on you. In the ideal world, couples in crisis would sit down together and negotiate together and accept that change was possible. In reality, you are very unlikely to resolve your problem in this way, almost certianly not in the early stages. You are not giong to have the luxury of a spouse who will listen to you and accept what you say.
You are going to be in extreme pain. You have to find something to soothe this. To have your WAS would work like a shot, but you ain't going to get this in a hurry. Do whatever it takes to comfort yourself - write a diary, see friends, go places, take the kids out if you have them, take exercise - anything. Your aim is to find something which makes you say "well, the rest of my life may be turning to sh*t but at least this part of it's OK". It acts as a time out for you and relieves the stress.

OK - as I said this is what worked for me - if you're reading this then maybe it's different for you. If you're reading this and thinking your own sitch is impossible think of this - would you give yourself false hope right now? Chances are you wouldn't. So why give yourself false despair? There are layers in a M crisis and you don't get the benefit of seeing them all at once.

The thing I've noticed about DBing is that it is probably the most counter-intuitive thing in the world. But the more I learn the more I think it is the only thing that works.

Be strong, DA. Take a deep breath. Be patient. You can do this.

((((hugs))))
transformer

[darkestangel]

THANK YOU!! Your words have been the comfort my heart needed. I felt like I was going crazy, up and down, every day.
I have not given up hope. No matter how much the people in my life tell me to "accept it", or that "he's made up his mind"; when I married H, I made the decision that for better or for worse, I would be his wife. I am willing to tough it out. It is easy to slip into the state of mind of self pity. It is easy but it accomplishes nothing.
When i see H, I reminbd myself of all the lessons learned here. i remind myself that OW means nothing. She is his bandaid.
It is not easy. I am human and I hurt. It's hard to think that he's taking her to "our" theatre, to "our" restaurant. But I've learned that i cannot control his actions, only my own. And to be the bigger person will always benefit me in the end.
Keep helping me. Now, I need it more than ever.