Today was just a big old bag of suck. Great start to the year...
I spent pretty much all of my driving back and forth from this house to my storage space. I think I moved 70 or so file boxes and a bunch of other stuff. I still haven't found anywhere else to live yet, so I'll need to figure that out - I'm going to ask W to help me, not as a guilt thing, just because she has always been good at finding great little places to live. I didn't eat anything today, and just drank a bunch of water and apple juice.
I ended up going by W's house this afternoon and picking up some empty boxes she had - I called beforehand, and she didn't seem to care either way about me going over. D went crazy when I got there, so I played with her for a bit before I left. She was hysterical when I left without her, so I ended up bawling my eyes out in the car on the way home. W was wearing the same clothes she has for the last couple of days (just with a different t-shirt) - I guess she is going for a 'dressed down' look right now. I don't think she and D even left the house today. Got a nice hug/kiss/ILY when I left.
I got home pretty late because the weather is so bad, and ended up talking to W for a while on IM. She seems like she's in full on WAW mode right now - Totally checked out to everything going on around her. It's pretty frustrating, but I guess that's the way it is for now. Found out she blew off dinner on Saturday to go over to OM's house to watch movies, then lied to me about it the next day (told me she was sick and sleeping at home). I can't say for certain, but as far as I know she has not been AT ALL deceptive about what she is doing for the last few months (at least since early October). It's a shame she got back to that point, but I guess it has to run it's course.
I ended up writing her an e-mail tonight - Nothing too mushy, just asking about D tomorrow and explaining why I was in a bad mood tonight. I ended up just sending it to myself. I sent her another one just saying "give me a call if you want me to pick up D in the morning" and left it at that. She logged out of IM after talking to me, so I'm not sure if she'll even check her e-mail before the morning.
Also today in my moving efforts I came across a box full of W's old journals from the late 80s/early 90s. Yeah, it's wrong, but I ended up reading a few of the entries. It broke my heart how lost and miserable my W was then - Obsessing over guys for months on end, searching for love, wanting to be part of something yet not really having any friends at all. I could probably take a page or two, switch out dates and names, and it'd fit my W to to a tee right now. Maybe I can't make her believe that a M with me is the right thing, but I know how much she searches for love - Not just romantic love, but someone she can rely on and love in return. She's told me that in the past, but it never really clicked with me.
So, in spite of everything that has happened, my goal for this year is to demonstrate unconditional love to my W, even if it is not returned. Maybe she won't see it for a while; maybe never. But if I can be someone who can make her life even a little easier, then I know it will have been worth it. Detaching is close to impossible right now - Maybe since she's backed off a bit things might change there, but we always end up spending so much time together I end up just flipping back and forth too much.
This is long and I need to stop typing. Guess I need to buy my own journal to write in.
