The New Adventures of Supermom...Part 3

[JennyF]

I just found a thread that lists inspiring sond lyrics. It's a great thread...and I posted the below song by The Dave Matthews Band. I thought I'd post it here on my own thread too because it means a lot to me, I listen to it often and it fills me with hope...

The Space Between

You can not quit me so quickly
There's no hope in you for me
No corner you could squeeze me
But I've got all the time for you Love

The space between, the tears we cry
Is the laughter that keeps us coming back for more
The space between, the wicked lies we tell and hope to keep safe from the pain
But will I hold you again?

These fickle fuddled words confuse me
Like will it rain today?
We waste the hours with talking, talking
These twisted games we're playing
We're strange allies with warring hearts
What a wild eyed beast you be

The space between, the wicked lies we tell
And hope to keep, safe from the pain
But will I hold you again?
Will I hold...

Look at us spinning out in the madness of a roller coaster
You know you went off like the devil in a church in the middle of a crowded room
All I can do my love is hope we hope we take this ship down

The space between, where you smile and hide
Is where you'll find me if I get to go
The space between, the bullets in our firefight, is where I'll be hiding waiting for you
The rain that falls, splashed in your heart
Ran like sadness down the window into
The space between, our wicked lies where we hope to keep safe from the pain
Take my hand 'cause we're walking out of here
Right out of here
Love is all we need

The space between what's wrong and right
Is where you'll find me hiding waiting for you
The space between your heart and mine
Is the space we fill with time

[blindsided1]

I love those lyrics. Hope you are doing well today.

[JennyF]

Today was interesting.

I took D to school this morning instead of H. He picked her up and brought her home. He said that he stayed home from work today because he was nauseous all day. I asked him if he thought it was the flu and he said no. Now I've already spoken on my thread about H's...huh...loose bowels throughout this whole ordeal, especially when he was hiding the A. But I've seen evidence of it since...including yesterday when he was here to see the kids. ANYWAY...he was quiet the whole time he was here tonight and doing a lot of staring off into space. Seemed like something was on his mind.

He left around 7 or so.

I put D to bed around 8 and she woke up an hour later crying her head off because she had just thrown up in her bed. Then she threw up the whole way to the bathroom. (Sorry if this is gross post people...). Poor thing. She felt ok right away and is back to bed now after sheet changes and lot of towels!(hopefully for good...).

I called H to ask him if he threw up today when he felt nauseous and he said no. I asked again if he thought it was the flu and he said no. I asked if he thought it was something he ate and he said no. He then seemed a little irritated with my questions and just said...it has nothing to do with whatever made D throw up.


Is it just me...or is this odd? Is there something physically wrong with him he's not telling me about? Or is his concience getting the better of him again and his body is taking it out on him? My gut tells me it's the latter...especially with how quiet he seemed tonight.
I've said it before, but someone who is at peace with their decision would not be physically feeling this way. He's lost so much weight and just looks withdrawn.

Anyway...Supermom managed to get through the first Puke-fest of 2008! Thank goodness the baby co-operated while I cleaned everything up. Now I just have the laundry to deal with.
Hopefully D just had the one to get of her system and she'll get a good night's sleep and feel better in the morning.
J~

[phbear316]

Hey Jenny

Hope your daughter feels better, hope you and your son don't get the bug.

Great way to christen the new year! LOL

take care

bear

[lizzy]

Good morning Jenny. Hope D is feeling better and you were all able to get a good nights sleep.

My H has had tummy issues for years. I know it has been worse over the past year. On NY's day he had to go to the br 3 times will his parents were here and they were long trips. Maybe our Hs have the same "bug." Umm the guilt bug.

[blindsided1]

Hope your D feels better. Your H's physical problems are probably due to stress and guilt. He probably got irritated with you for asking questions because he may have felt like he was to blame for D being sick. Hope today is good for you.

[JennyF]

Well it's Jan 4th and right on schedule H and I are going to speak about scheduling, custody, etc.

This morning when he picked up D he asked if he could keep her overnight tonight at his Mom's. I said yes. Then he asked if he could take her Sunday and keep her overnight and take her to school on Monday morning. To this I replied, "I don't think that's a good idea. I think it is very important for consistency sake that she is in her own bed Mon to Fri". H does not agree. He thinks it is more important that she spend time with HIM.

So this led to an argument and him telling me that she would have to get used to this anyway, because he wants 60/40 custody which would mean every other weekend and 2 overnights during the week. I have spoken to a few people who agree that kids should not be split up during the week. Coming from D'd parent's I totally see the importance in this and I believe in it deeply.
How do I deal with this when H doesn't agree? He is getting advice from his twice divorced OW with 3 kids (2 from her first marriage and 1 from her second). She's probably telling him these arrangements work out perfectly fine for the kids.

Not only that, but why should I lose my kids 40% of the time when he is making these choices, not me??
He does not see how there are consequences to his choices. He thinks I am inflicting these consequences on him to make him pay for what he's done.
We argued on the phone about it and it got so heated he ended the call because he said it was going no where.

Then about 15 minutes he called back and his tone had changed significantly. He was calm and nice and said that tomorrow when he brings D home and she goes down for her nap we'll discuss it then...along with other things we need to talk about it.

I told him that he needs to understand that I have not done this before and he needs to be patient as I try to determine what is best for me. He said we have to do what is best for the kids. I said that I agree and they are the first priority...that goes without saying. The problem is that he believes that doing what is right for the kids is ensuring they get max time with him. I believe consistency is more important, especially with a 3 yr old and a newborn.
Anyway, I then said to him, "Listen, I get that the marriage is over. I get it. But you have to understand that I don't want this. This is YOUR choice. You need to understand that choice comes with consequences...why should I have to suffer these drastic consequences when all of the control over the situation has been taken away from me". He actually listened to that...although I'm not sure how he really felt.

Any opinions here would be helpful. Tomorrow I'm going to have to try to validate what he is saying, but ensure that I look out for myself and what I believe. This is such a fine line.

It is obvious that I am going to have to go down this divorce route )with the hope in my heart that he will come to his senses at some point). But he is pushing things fast and I'm going to have to go there unfortunately.
I hate this crap. It is so unfair. The thing is, it would be a totally different story if he had put some effort into our R and it hadn't worked out. Then it would feel more mutual. Instead he walked away with NO chance of trying at all....this is ALL on his shoulders, why is he making me the bad guy??
Have I mentioned I hate this crap??
J~

So this led to an argument and him telling me that she would have to get used to this anyway, because he wants 60/40 custody which would mean every other weekend and 2 overnights during the week. I have spoken to a few people who agree that kids should not be split up during the week. Coming from D'd parent's I totally see the importance in this and I believe in it deeply.

It is very difficult - Our D is really young, so we have a little more flexibility. In spite of all that is going on, we have NEVER disagreed about time we spend with D. We have our usual schedule (W - Mon/Tues; M - Wed/Thur; Alternate - Fri/Sat/Sun), but we have both been very creative with it at times. I had D extra days last week when W was sick, she had D an extra night or two a couple of weeks ago when I was sick, plus she had her Wed night too this week to make up for last week. That said, D has a room at both of our houses with toys and her bed in.

Honestly, I don't have a good answer. Part of me agrees with the consistency point, however I still think a more equal split of parenting responsibilities would avoid either of you feeling like you are getting more time with the kids than the other. Since your H is living with his Mom, it may not be a good time to attempt to figure this all out. I know my D would have a field day living with her grandparents, so it isn't really a long term 'reality'.

My W has brought up a few times difficulties she has had with D on her own. It's stressful to look after a child on your own (as you well know), and I have heard many complimentary comments from W about how I have handled my time with D and how much energy and time I have made for her.

[JennyF]

Part of me agrees with the consistency point, however I still think a more equal split of parenting responsibilities would avoid either of you feeling like you are getting more time with the kids than the other.

I hear you on this Brit. But I am having a REALLY hard time accepting that I am going to lose this much time with my children when he is the one who started an A a month before he got me pregnant and then left me at 8 months. He was not thinking of the kids best interest when he made all of these decisions...and I believe he is only thinking of his own best interest now. He SHOULD feel that he has less time than with them than me because this is solely his choice.

The consequenses of his actions include less time and in turn less of a bond with his kids. Why should I have to face losing and not building those relationships with my kids when this is his wrongdoing? Again, I may feel differently if he'd actually given us the chance to work on the R...but he left his family without trying. As I said, then it would feel more mutual. He gave up our family's chance of togetherness on his own.

Please don't think I'm coming back at your comments negatively. I appreciate them a lot because it is helping me work through my thoughts. He will bring up these points when we talk tomorrow and I want to feel justified in my responses.
Thanks for the input Brit.
J~

[blindsided1]

I hate even thinking about this yet. I know that H is going to want to be with our child once it's born, often. I worry that he is not as responsible as he needs to be to care for an infant. I worry that OW will end up caring for MY baby. It scares the hell out of me. I try to push it out of my head, for now and see where we are then. I wish you the best of luck. I come from a divorced home. Consistancy and a civil relationship between my parents was the only reason my brother and I came out relatively unharmed. But, I have to say, I would NOT have liked bouncing from house to house. MY home was MY home and my Dad's house was my Dad's house. Don't get me wrong, I loved my Dad and as I got older I preferred being there because he was more lax and I had built friendships by his home. But, as a younger child, I would have hated bouncing back a forth a couple times a week. It's too disruptive. Just my opinion being a product of divorce. This is why I am so unhappy about the decisions my H has made.