I have always been able to sleep. Even coming out of MLC, when I went to bed I slept. I am known for falling asleep within 5 minutes of my head hitting the pillow.
That's how it used to be. I don't sleep anymore, though. I lay in bed tossing and turning, going over and over the things I'd like to say to my husband regarding how he is "raising" our daughter. I rage, I beg, I plead, I give ultimatums. In reality, I remain silent and I worry about my daughter. He is not raising her. She is raising herself. He does not guide her. He lets her go places and do things so she will be out of his hair for a while. It is all crystal clear. He is killing me. But I love him with all my heart and not only is it tearing my guts out to see him destroy himself but the knowledge of what he is doing to her is pushing me over the edge this time. I don't know what to do. I wanted to go to an Al-Anon meeting tonight but it is not happening.
I can not help him and he has poisoned my relationship with her to the extent that I can barely talk to her. For her, you see, it's better if Daddy's drinking. Because he is "fun". And if mom comes in or calls and pisses him off, things will be bad. What do I do?
I need someone, somewhere, to tell me what to do.
If ever I were going to come unglued, it will be now because I can't do this anymore. And I can't walk away, either. So somehow, I have to get my sh*t together because I am the only one that can right now.
Every day that passes without intervention is another day my sweet, happy-go-lucky daughter is further lost.
I hate that son of a bitch for this.
But I will not leave him here.
He is coming out one way or another.
I do not care if he hates me for whatever it is I decide to do.
I made a promise to my daughter 9 months ago that I wouldn't let alcohol take her Daddy. Yes, that was a bad promise to make. But I did it. And I haven't kept it.
The plus here is that he knows he's in trouble. He has told me so several times. The addiction has him bound though.
So I have to find a way to help him because there is not one other living soul in that man's life that doesn't drink.
Have you got a sponsor yet? If not, the next time you do get to a meeting, say out loud during the business time that you are looking for one. Odds are, someone will approach you by the end of the night.
Is your DD in counseling or AlAteen? They may be able to see her a few times, then ask H to come in for a family counseling session about how he parents her. There might be a substance abuse counselor available at her school or school system, or through a local women's center or shelter. I don't think an intervention will come of that, though...
Your child needs your care, protection and clear-headed judgement if your H can't provide that. She is a child, a dependent. But you have to realize that your H is an adult, and as such is free to make his own life choices (why SO many of us are here!!)--if you do decide to try for an intervention, please read about it first and see if you can find an experienced counselor to lead it. Have you seen the program called Intervention on cable (I can't recall the channel...) Essentially, it is all about letting go after you tell the addicted person what your concerns are for them, point them in the direction of resources, and then say goodbye until they make some serious changes...
Please remember to take care of YOU first, then your DD. Unfortunately, although we care very deeply for our WAS/alcoholics/addicts, we can't make the changes for them or force them to want to change--the motivation has to be from within them if it is to work.
Know that I am thinking about you and praying for you and your family,
I'm just gonna ask.... why do you not just have her come over explain this is where you're staying til things get better?
Ummmm.... you think he is in any real position to fight you on it? I can't understand why you are driving yourself crazy with worry. At least if you get her out you know for certain that she isn't in danger. Comfort isn't really an issue , safety is. At least when that is established you can focus on ways to become better situated.... Right now it seems like your peace of mind is so bungfuzzled that your focus is kinda like a B B in a boxcar...
Did you manage to talk with your pastor? ((((Love Ya Girlie)))
Psa 51:10 Create in me a clean heart, O God, and renew a right spirit within me.
you said : "So I have to find a way to help him because there is not one other living soul in that man's life that doesn't drink."
I beg to differ. IF he wants to change, he can call me or other men on the board who are in that class.
I want to help him. We all do. We've been there. Trust us. As men among other men, we NEED to offer our help. It's part of our strength.
PLEASE tell him if he wants to talk to a 'real man' who will not blindly support the 'AmyC' view of the world, but will instead hear him as a man, as an equal, then he can call me. While I'm still a 'heathen' in your view, I guarantee that I am not a man who would support a losing strategy.
Amy, I've sent you my number via private E-Mail. I'd like to talk with Jeff, mostly because his 'story' will help me in my growth.
I will also offer any help you need...you know how to reach me!
Praising God Daily, Remaining "FaithfulH" Me: 62 W: 62 D:33 S:30 & 31 Married: 40 Years BD: Sep 2006 Piecing: May 2007 2nd BD: May 2014 Working On It: Today
There is nothing anyone can do now. I swear to God, I just want to drive my car into oncoming traffic in the morning. It's going to be ugly if I stand up to him and I have no other choice but to stand up but he's never going to change. She hates me. I texted her to see if she was okay after I read on her myspace that she "lost" her two best friends and she told me to stop texting her. They have been at his parents house since last night for some reason. Well, last night's reason is obvious...
I'm not strong enough to stand up to him and I can't watch him destroy himself AND her.
I have reached my limit.
If I do nothing she'll hate me when she's grown. If I pull her out, she'll hate me now. If I stand up to him, he's going to hate me.
She will not hate you. She is being a teenager. That's what they do. If you need to do it, do it, she WILL get over it, and sooner than you think. But, if you pull her out, you have to mean it. No waffling, no backtracking. There can't be any glimmer of "if I make mom mad, she'll send me back to dad." I'm sure it will be hell for a couple weeks, maybe a month, but in the end, I have become convinced kids that age really want boundaries. Just set them with love, and make sure you give he enough slack to grow up. You'll both figure it out.
As far as H, well, he's made his bed, it's time to either lie in it, or get out of it. What's the worst thing that can happen? He hates you, and your marriage isn't restored? But if you don't stand up now, can your marriage be restored, ever? While the alcohol is there, that's not happening. So, one way, he fights the demon, wins, realized you helped him get there, and you have a chance. Maybe it works, maybe it doesn't. The other way he continues to wallow, and there is no way you have a chance, and he probably never gets any kind of life back. He's in a bad spot now, between the injuries, lack of work, and depression. He might hate you now, but if he gets out of it he will know who to thank.
Well, there's my two cents. Never expected to be whacking AmyC with a 2x4, in my whole entire lifetime. Hope I never do it again, too!
Amy.... where in the heck is all the willy nilly weakness coming from. It is sooo not like you to back down and cower from a difficult circumstance..... and for God sake woman.... a 12 yr old child.
Sheesh.... pull up your big girl panties and do what you gotta do!
Psa 51:10 Create in me a clean heart, O God, and renew a right spirit within me.
I was reading up on your thread (this one and your old one) and felt the need to respond. You are the only one who can decide what is right and what is wrong to do about your daughter but I am going to give my opinion.
I think you need to get her out of that house as soon as possible. Don't worry if she gets mad, she will get over it. If I stepped back every time I thought my daughters (ages 14 & 16) were going to get mad at me then I would never have a say in their lives. They get mad, they yell, they throw a tantrum and then they get over it. Once they realize they can't win the battle, they give up. Look back at when you were a teenager, didn't you get mad at your parents or someone older? You learn to deal with it. If she gets her way now then she is going to grow up thinking she can have it her way all the time. Do you want her to grow up like your step daughter? If you allow her to run your life as well as hers then she will.
You need to get her away from the drinking. My father drank but was not an alcoholic, he knew when to stop. My grandmother and uncle were both alcoholics. I remember growing up and spending the night at my grandmothers house when she was drunk (many times) and it isn't a pretty sight. She would yell and scream and was just plain mean and nasty. There were times when we had to call mom and dad to come get us because she would get a butcher knife out and chase my grandfather around yelling at him. I remember hiding under the table in the basement because I was scared. She and my uncle would get into drunken fights and it would scare me to death.
My uncle went into the service, was stationed in Germany, found a nice German girl and got married. We thought things were better for him. They weren't. He and his wife were expecting their first child. I remember him calling my mom on a Thursday telling her that the doctors thought they were having twins. On Saturday, my mom got the call that he was dead. He was drinking with his brother-in-law and they got into an argument and he was shot by his brother-in-law. He never got to see his son.
I am not saying your H is like that, just that your daughter does not need to be around it. You are the one in charge here, not her. She needs to listen to you. If your H gets upset and made, too bad. He needs something to wake him up and realize it is either his daughter or drinking. He is going to have to choose which one means more to him.
I know your apartment is tiny but you have to do what you have to do to survive. Don't let her walk all over you. Right now, she takes his side because she gets to do what she wants to do. He is not mentally around to tell her what to do. She feels like she is in charge. She needs someone to be in charge of her, that someone is you.
Amy, you know I am on your side. I just don't want to come onto this board or anywhere else and read something major has happened because of his drinking. Ask yourself, would you rather leave things the way they are and take a chance of losing your daughter for life or get her away from there and risk having her mad at your for a little while? I think you know what the answer is but you are afraid of uprooting her. Deep down you still have feelings for your H and you don't want to upset him. In the long run, you take your daughter and your H will respect you for it. He will realize it was his fault one day and thank you for protecting your daughter.
