I am like many men on this board. Married 25 years, two kids in college, make fantastic living,in great physical condition, travel with wife extensively and spend great deal of time with her. Problem is, she started to loose her sex drive about 10 years ago (we used to have a very wonderful and active sex life) and since starting menopause 5 years ago we rarely ever have sex. We average sex 3 or 4 times per year at this time but only if it is over very quickly, no touching, fully clothed etc. She can hardly wait for the act to end and to jump out of bed and have a bath. I know she is thinking that she would just rather be left alone and have sex once every 3 or 4 years at most.
I have tried pursuing her aggressively, tried not pursuing her at all but merely trying to listen and talk to her (not about sex), buy flowers constantly, encourage her to travel with me and her girl friends (which she has numerous times), tried being involved with activities with her to no success.
She tells me, however, that I don't have any interest in her and that I am only interested in sex. I try to talk to her about our sex life every six months or so but she turns the conversation around on me telling me that I, like most males, don't understand what women want, don't listen and I am not supportive. She claims I have always been non communicative, ever since marriage. From my perspective, I feel I am communicative and have no idea of what she wants. She tries to tell me, but gets bogged down in letting me know how horrible I am because she believes I have no interet in her and don't communicate. The circle goes round and round but I still have no clue what my shortcomings are and have told her this many times.
She tells me that she doesn't have any sexual fantasies, has no interest in sex whatsoever and doubts she ever will. Based on her suggestion, I have encouraged her to see her doctor to discuss her situation - which she did and received a prescription for some hormones, but she has since decided that she will not take any hormones for any reason.
She explains to me that she can not understand why I crave to have sex on any kind of regular basis. Since she has no interest, she tells me that I should just leave her alone, forget about a sex life and move on. She points out that sex is not critical for living and breathing. She has also withdrawn from any kind of intimacy (I believe she is afraid that I might ask for sex if she is nice to me).
At this point, she does everything to avoid the opportunity for us to have any intimate contact. She will not come to bed until very late (ie 1:00 or 2:00 in the morning), knowing that I have to get up at 6:00 and that, since she does not work, she can get up at 9:00 or 10:00. When we go away together, she comes down with something that prevents us from having any physical contact
I have suggested that we go to councelling but she indicates that the only reason would be to fix me and that I should go by myself.
I feel totally rejected by my wife. I am sure I do not communicate with her in the manner and frequency that suits her, but I am not sure what that really means. I can not help feeling the need for some form of intimacy and for some kind of sex life, but I am really beginning to loose all confidence in myself. I don't feel I am a bad husband, I have always been faithful and would not consider running around behind her back. I feel, however, that I need to do something to help my confidence and feel happy.
I have no clue what to do at this point and any suggestions would be greatly welcomed.
