One of my resolutions for 2008 is that I'm going to start writing. I thought the best place to start would be with this amazing online community. The tragedy, drama, humour, but above all human compassion, of all of you is breathtaking.
It would appear mine is a typical story for this board - married for 15 yrs, have 2 girls, I'm oblivious and happily cruising into my golden years...then bang...I don't love you but we should stay together for the kids...I stumble through the months and she has an affair with her kick-boxing instructor and then miscarries their baby...the great twist here was she asked whether I'd adopt the baby and we could bring it up together!...I had enough sense to say no, and then she went through the trauma of trying to organise an abortion...luckily Mr Big upstairs intervened.
Currently its been 15 months - for those that are at the beginning of this journey, and can't imagine another day let alone another year, then all I'd say is you will stumble, fumble and crawl through the time...in moments of less pain (the pain is permanent and doesn't go away!) you will be surprised that you are still breathing and you have managed to continue living. I think some are able to get stronger and wiser sooner, but overall the time creates layers of strength and protection that you don't realise. The most crippling aspect is the constant mental turmoil...what happened? what's she thinking? when will this end? what should i do?...this totally consumed me, and even now I have this dull background noise in my head. I'm a relatively cerebral guy, and my sister told me that I can't "think" myself out of this situation. I think having friends or family to discuss and help maintain sanity is vital. On your own its so painful, dark and lonely that its impossible to function. My sister and my wife's elder brother have been amazing. They have never condoned her behaviour, but have always asked me to think about the bigger picture, and think about her pain (I look at her old photos and her soft, sweet innocence of old is in stark contrast to her drained, haggard and nervous look now - obviously she tries to "tart" herself up when she goes out but it doesn't hide the reality).
We are still living in the same house, but in separate rooms. She's told me she's confused and simply wants clarity in her life. She feels we can never go back, and she currently can't imagine any kind of married relationship with me, but she's "fonder of me than her friends", and believes in the future we can reconnect. She's asked me to divorce and separate if I can't deal with the situation. She goes out regularly, and doesn't want me around because she doesn't know how to introduce me to her new crowd (husband? ex-husband? friend?), and wants to develop a life independent from me. This calmness is of course punctuated with anger and finger-pointing at me.
In 15 months we've gone from blissful marriage of high-school sweethearts, to "I hate you and want you out of my life. My new boyfriend is so loving and understanding", to having broken her constant contact with her lowlife boyfriend (though I suspect they still talk), to "I need space and maybe we can be friends but never husband and wife". I have yo-yo'd through this period and done some of the DB-stuff, and then had my back-slides. We've been on holidays, had dinner, but also fought.
So what do I do? There's only 2 choices - I can stay and be patient, or I can call it quits. I've invested all my adult life in this marriage, and like any investment I want to save it. However there's no guarantee of her state of mind, and when, or if, she comes back. In the meantime, I'm at my prime (physically, financially and socially), and wonder whether I should freeze, just when I was hoping to reap the rewards of all my hard work in my 20s and 30s. Quitting however will be no walk in the park...there's our girls, there's the lawyers, and there's silly stuff like we only have one fab hi-fi and who would get it. I think this decision comes down to that totally illogical and impossible issue of heart, love & feelings. What does my wife mean to me, and how much support should I give her during this period of her life? Is this a test of my marriage vows to be there for her "through thick and thin"? Each one of us has our own limits, and support for a spouse is useless if it destroys us in the process.
I'm hoping that time, Divine intervention, and my own self-focus will lead to a solution. I think I'm too scared of pressing the button to blow up my marriage (though my old marriage is finished anyway), and maybe this twilight zone of 2 humans with a common history, and sharing a house as they find themselves, is what my life is all about right now.
Things have got better we talk amicably most days. She often asks me for breakfast and lunch (but definitely no nights out together!), washes my underwear (!), cleans my room, and checks on me during the day. Having been through the worse, and not left (but that's probably because I was too shocked & stunned to react) a part of me feels that I should just hang-in there. However I'm not naive, and wonder if she's just being pleasant and polite without any intended aim at reconciliation. Its at this point that my mind starts to spiral downwards in a mass of confusion. I try to stop this useless thinking and stay focused on the here and now.
This leads me to a question of whether she's fully aware, and is simply having "her cake and eating it". She has all the trappings of a marriage - house, kids, finance, security etc. - without the husband. I could easily have answered this question for the woman I married - she would never have done this. However has my wife changed, and am I dealing with a new person who has different views? More accurately, is her current thinking temporary or permanent? This question continuously pounds away in my head.
Right now I'm trying to focus on myself - reach out to my family, work hard (I've moved to a new job 4 months ago - I was fired from my previous one probably because I was such a mess following my wife's bomb), exercise, learn tennis, read more and start writing, and renewing my faith and connection to God. I'm struggling with loneliness and lack of a woman's touch, but I'm slowly pulling myself together. Yesterday the clock struck midnight, and as the New Year came in, I thought "Enough...I'm going to focus on myself and my 2 daughters". My wife is at her parents, and we'd planned to be there all together as a family. Then at the last minute she changed her mind and said they were her family and I had no right to be there. She called me names, and in anger I threw the phone on the floor and said enough. Maybe that was my patience snapping and ushering in my new era of detachment.
Its been hard to detach and grow, when she's in my face everyday. However I also get to see her daily struggle, and weakness too; its not just a strutting gloat over her success in taking advantage of her "loser ex-husband".
God has given me immense reserves of patience, and I know I can get through this. The only question that I find difficult to deflect is how I'll feel when she wakes up. Will our distance have become too great to cross? This is in the future, and I just pray God guides us to the right point. My heart tells me I'll always love her and will accept her back warts and all.
Its taken me 15 months to reach some form of comprehension of what's happened. Forget denial, I was in cloud cuckoo land...it was almost an out of body feeling, where I could see myself shuffling through life but had no way of intervening. I think my pain/shock has been compounded by the length and depth of our relationship. I first met my wife when we were 12 years old, and our 16 years of marriage was just me and her taking on life and winning. We talked for hours, we shared everything and our love life was awesome. Having experienced that and then to suddenly face a total reversal was too much. I look back and am convinced I probably had a mini-breakdown without fully realising it. I'm not letting the past cloud my judgement, but its all part of my stepping back and trying to understand myself, and my feelings.
I cannot move on until I've understood where I am. Toughness and strength are not the issue, I could end it now, but then what? I don't know what I want and where I go from here. My wife (or should that be ex-wife?) is getting a window of opportunity to work through her issues while I finally come out of my haze of denial and get ready to move things along. I'm focused on me right now and am trying to ignore her and her behaviour (though I still have days when I snap and let her get under my skin and affect me).
Our kids have been hugely affected, but all I can do is provide the best environment; either in a separated home or a single home with disconnected parents. I want my girls to learn some lessons about staying strong and trying to tackle problems. I never want them to be quitters or people who run at the first sign of trouble. Perhaps I'm wrong, but my current analysis suggests that they get more comfort and security from having both parents around.
Right now I'm in a much better place than I've ever been. Is it perfect? Hell no its awful but I need to keep things in perspective...I'm reminded of Eugene O'Kelly's book "Chasing Daylight" (Eugene was a hugely successful CEO of KPMG Americe when he got diagnosed with terminal cancer and this book is a moving record of his last few months of life - given all of our messed lives and marriages this is a very short and apt book) in which he feels grateful for his lifestyle allowing him to have an easier trip for his chemotherapy than poorer patients bussing in from miles away and taking hours. I'm getting stronger (and funnily I see my wife getting weaker and more troubled...very odd dynamics) and I feel God is slowly equipping me with all the emotional tools to fight for a great second half of my life. If that includes my wife then great, and if it doesn't then great too.
Probably my biggest problem right now isn't my wife and her behaviour, but my roving eye. For 16 years I had eyes for no one and adored my wife and only thought of her and looked out for her. No other woman registered. Now I notice all these gorgeous women and am mesmerised by their curves and the way their dresses flow. The smallest flick of hair will catch my eye. The worst moments are in a lift when a woman walks in and fills that tiny enclosed space with her perfume. Time seems to stop and I literally get high on the fragrance. I often look for eye contact and without consciously realising start smiling. Ok maybe I've gone a little over the top in my description, but this is not healthy. I don't have it in me to have an affair, but I so desparately miss the charming company of a woman, and the ultimate pleasure of a warm silken body to embrace as I sleep.
After all this emotional toughening up, we should all be considered the special forces of mental combat. Honestly if we can get through this, then we are invincible and can deal with any of life's ups and downs. In a strange masochistic sense there's almost a twisted pleasure in being tested and somehow understanding we are all better humans than we really knew.
By the way I'd read that writing is a great therapy, and I'm surprised how effective this posting has been for me.
An apt summary is a quote from Churchill (an inspirational man and please read his quotes and biography - try the one written by Roy Jenkins)...."When you are in hell..keep going". Also Nietzsche..."Whatever doesn't destroy me, makes me stronger".
I pray God blesses all of you with a better 2008. I pray we all become better human beings, and we are able to move towards happier lives. Above all I pray our WASs find the issues that are troubling them so deeply, and resolve them before more damage is done to them and all around them.
