My H is very "jerky" when he is sex starved. But I am also very "*itchy" when I am emotionally starved. One jerky man and *itchy lady under the same roof don't make a good combo. It really is a vicious cycle.
I used to spend time doing sweet things for H, like your W's cake. But now I understand, although it is a nice gesture, that is not what h wants. So now all my giving energy is going to go first to sex and then to the other nice stuff.
Yesterday I wrote H an email telling him I am determined and committed to emproving our sex life. I also listed the emotional and romantic things that I need and want. But getting those things is no longer a pre condition to having sex.
I also let H know some very specific things that will help me help him. Like I need to know "verbally" when he wants sex. I asked for at least an hours notice, so that I can get my mind in that direction. I also asked that we start early enough so that I can be asleep at my 10pm bedtime. It is soooo hard for me to want to have sex after a long day and I am tired. I am paying close attention to my sexual needs and working to communicate them clearly to H.
In the email I also asked him about his needs. I asked him to list them for me. Sex is an obvious one but I am wondering if there is anything else. Email is good because I can communicate at my own pace and be thoughtful about my word selection. I can be clear because there is no high emotion going on.
I am slowly learning that to truly give love means to give your spouse what they want, not what you want to give them. I am working to keep that formost in my mind. It is my mission to love him the way he wants to be loved. I am also working on expressing to H my needs so he can love me the way I need to be loved.
I am so sorry to hear about your W's A. I can't not imagine the pain that would cause. I think you are a very strong person to be able to forgive and keep working on R.
You know, it doesn't matter if we are the high desire or the low desire person. I think we all have to find out what our spouses need to feel really, really deeply loved, cherished and adored... and then give that to them with out expecting anything back.
And it is also our responsibility to communicate clearly what it is that we need.
I love my H sooo much. He is an amazing man! I wish that he could have communicated his sexual needs to me the way it is described in SSM and here from the HD spouses. I just didn't know. But now I do and I have 10 years to make up for. So I better go get started .
.
