Im the one who doesn't want it

[FredD]

I'm glad you found my posts helpful. When my first marriage busted it was totally due to the SSM. We did MC which at least gave me a good understanding of why I had been a jerk to her for many months. I think she withheld sex due to a control issue and not really low desire. The reason did not change the impact to me, I was still so frustrated I became a jerk. She had an A and despite MC I could never forgive her and ultimately we got divorced. It wasn't pretty.

So, I at least had better understanding of myself and how to treat a W going into my second M. Much more patience on my part. I recognized when lack of sex was making me be a jerk. I was at least sometimes successful at stopping jerk behavior.

Having the knowledge wasn't/isn't a fix however. My W went to low desire the day we got married. We were both very high desire before. That made me feel tricked. So now its been 8 1/2 years of me explaining and her not listening - until 2 1/12 months ago.

I found out about her EA 2 1/2 months ago. There were lots of lies and sneaking around for many months. I found it all in her email. Its really devestating, especially since the first W had an affair too. My W knew I was "damaged property" and yet had her EA anyway. That makes it very painful. Its like telling someone you have a broken leg so they kick you in the leg.

Anyway, I'm using the EA as a catalyst to fix everything we can in our R. I refuse to let things go "back to normal". We are trying to tackle SSM issues, financial issues, disagreements on how to handle the kids, religious differences, and more. Its going ok. We are making progress on several fronts.

On the SSM issue, she made me a cake yesterday to appologize for the declining frequency of the last few weeks. It meant a lot to me that she's is understanding the importance. It would have meant more if there actually been some sex, but she was "too tired"- as usual. God give me patience!