Sun, I am terribly sorry to read all this. I was getting worried about you. I am glad you posted. Please keep posting if you feel up to it, ok? I guess we know our limits and it is OK that you reached yours. To be honest, I would not be ok with what your H is doing, either. It's a form of abuse. He needs to leave. You need your peace back. I'm sending you hugs to help you stay strong on this New Year's Day. I hope it's the beginning of a much better year for you. love, Hope
Most of us really marry only once. First love endures, even unto our dying day. And we never really divorce.
Sun, I totally agree w/Hope, you definitely need your peace and space. It's time he left and February 1st is really right around the corner. I'm so sorry that the holidays were awful and his drinking is out of control.
Sun, not matter what happens, you are going to be okay and believe me, life has to be better than what you've been living for such a long time.
Please take care of yourself and we are all glad you posted. You had all of us worried about you.
Here's to the new year! May you find the inner peace and calmness you require to step outside of the box and open the door to shove him out into the cold world to face reality.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Thanks for posting. It was very difficult to get on here with H home during the holidays. This is my place and he knows nothing about it and I want to keep it that way.
He has turned semi-nice the last couple of days and I should have suspected something. Last night he called just as I was leaving work and asked if I wanted to get dinner there in that town since traffic is so bad going to our new town where the apt is. I said sure and we met.
Guess who walks in just as we get our food? DN and his wife. DN's look on his face gave it all away, he and H had planned to "run into each other." So, he and his wife (who tried to commit suicide a few months ago because he's so out of control) stand there and stand there and stand there so I finally scoot over and ask her if she wants to sit down. So, he does too and they order and I sit there while they all eat and drink, a lot.
I checked H's phone when I got home and he talked to DN right before he called me, and right after. I was set up.
He knows I detest that man.
When we got home he hurried up and went to bed, quite early.
He leads such a trashy life.
As we were leaving last night DN said something about us all getting together at a bar just up from our apt tonight!
No.
"Tell me what you plan to do with your one wild and precious life." Mary Oliver
Sun, If this man isn't rebelling I don't know what is. He knows that you can't stand DN and his wife and their trashy behaviors, and yet, he's bound and determined to shove them in your face. Sun, I know that the evening was a bust for you. I think I would let him think about what he's done for a while. I don't think I would say anything to him about it. The less you say, the less he'll do this kind of crap again. He's pushing your buttons and is hoping that you'll make a scene in front of this trashy group.
Sun, I'm so sorry. I had hoped he would have left a while ago, but it looks like to me that he's trying to get you to leave or put him out. I think it's going to come down to you opening the door and shoving him out before February.
Please take care of yourself. I worry about you.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
He was all nicey, nice when we first got home last night. Offering to walk the dog for me and offering me first in the shower, etc. I turned him down and he gave up and didn't say another word.
He knows, I figured it out or at least that I wasn't happy with them joining us.
I won't say anything. He knows.
I told him when I gave him my ring I wanted him out soon. That's when he said the 1st. His name is on the lease. I can't push him out, and truth be told, I think the kids are right and he's afraid to leave. He doesn't love me, but he doesn't want to go through with the effort required to do this thing.
I don't know, either he'll have to say something, or he'll have to be gone by the first. Someway, he'll have to face the clock running down.
I don't know this man. I don't want to be a part of this life he's chosen for himself. I miss my H, but he is gone, and for that I grieve. I trust God to know what is best. It's in His hands.
I'll keep you informed.
Hugs, Sun
"Tell me what you plan to do with your one wild and precious life." Mary Oliver
Sun - I have been thinking about you, and it is a relief to see you posting, although I would wish the circs to be better.
Your h clearly has issues with alcohol, and I suspect that this is a mask for his real issues. He needs to move out, and sort himself. You need some space, time and peace. It will hurt to see him go, but after a few weeks peace you WILL feel better.
Sun, Yes, he does know exactly what he did and like a misbehaved child, he then offers to smooth things over w/mom by offering to walk the dog, the bath, etc. I think it's time to cool your jets and not have any communication w/him unless he says something first. Sun, he's got a ton of issues and can't face them w/o the bottle.
I am praying that he will do the right thing and leave, if not that, hit bottom, whereby he will need to be hospitalized for detox.
Please take care of yourself.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
You know, I read the posts to me and I think "I can't believe this is me." My H needs to go to detox? I have come to believe that I am never going to get used to the idea that all this happened.
H has loaned someone sooooo much money that I don't think he's going to be able to move out right now, or that will be his justification. Now, he hasn't mentioned moving out since I told him he needed to soon, but I think he's just in denial that the deadline is quickly approaching. He said Feb. 1 and I just wonder what he is thinking. I don't think he'll do anything to prepare, he'll just up and go, if he goes.
He is staying to himself and not really talking to any of us again. D18 leaves tomorrow to head back to college and he has almost nothing to do with her. I noticed last night he was going to bed and walked by us and said "see you tomorrow." I asked D18 after, "When did he stop kissing you goodnight?" She said, "Oh, a long time ago." I feel so sad for her.
I am keeping away from him most of the time. I'm civil when the kids are around, but when we are alone he stays to himself, as do I.
"Tell me what you plan to do with your one wild and precious life." Mary Oliver
Sun, You do realize that he may be bluffing about moving out February 1st? A lot of them will use this as a bluff or scream for a divorce so that we will back off.
It's his problem if he doesn't have the funds to move out. You do not deserve to be mistreated and that addiction is not going to get any better until he opts to seek treatment and that may mean a detox center.
The best thing you can do is stay as far from him as you possibly can. I feel for you and wish that I could do something to assist you.
Take care.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Well, last night H decided we were going to have a family meeting. I thought he would tell the kids he was moving out. He started off by telling them that if I were honest our problems stemmed from both of us. He apologized to the kids for his being distant from them. He made a lot of excuses. I prompted the kids to tell him how they really felt about things they had mentioned to me. It was quite uncomfortable and of course H got mad.
This morning I was told how controlling I am again. He said because I wasn't on the paperwork for the huge loan he has given those people I couldn't stand it because he handled it and not me. He brought up a comment I had made about how dressed up he was for work one Friday?????
He says we can't fix our R but we will never let the kids know. They will think all is fine and he will concentrate on his R with them. I told him they are too old and will never buy into his pretending.
He says he realizes because of the situation and what the kids told him last night that he will not ever leave because if he does they will have nothing to do with him.
However, he refuses to even consider seeing me in anything other than a negative light and doesn't want to be "nice" to me because I will begin to think everything is "fine" between us when I know how he really feels.
So, basically, he won't leave because the kids are fed up with him and if he does he will never see them again. He really is mad at S23 because he says S is arrogant and had an attitude last night and had already formed an opinion of H before he talked to them.
I told him he is very angry and so is S and that is a real problem for the two of them.
So, he intends to sit and spin. God please save us from this mess!
"Tell me what you plan to do with your one wild and precious life." Mary Oliver
