I have always been able to sleep. Even coming out of MLC, when I went to bed I slept. I am known for falling asleep within 5 minutes of my head hitting the pillow.
That's how it used to be. I don't sleep anymore, though. I lay in bed tossing and turning, going over and over the things I'd like to say to my husband regarding how he is "raising" our daughter. I rage, I beg, I plead, I give ultimatums. In reality, I remain silent and I worry about my daughter. He is not raising her. She is raising herself. He does not guide her. He lets her go places and do things so she will be out of his hair for a while. It is all crystal clear. He is killing me. But I love him with all my heart and not only is it tearing my guts out to see him destroy himself but the knowledge of what he is doing to her is pushing me over the edge this time. I don't know what to do. I wanted to go to an Al-Anon meeting tonight but it is not happening.
I can not help him and he has poisoned my relationship with her to the extent that I can barely talk to her. For her, you see, it's better if Daddy's drinking. Because he is "fun". And if mom comes in or calls and pisses him off, things will be bad. What do I do?
I need someone, somewhere, to tell me what to do.
If ever I were going to come unglued, it will be now because I can't do this anymore. And I can't walk away, either. So somehow, I have to get my sh*t together because I am the only one that can right now.
Every day that passes without intervention is another day my sweet, happy-go-lucky daughter is further lost.
I hate that son of a bitch for this.
But I will not leave him here.
He is coming out one way or another.
I do not care if he hates me for whatever it is I decide to do.
I made a promise to my daughter 9 months ago that I wouldn't let alcohol take her Daddy. Yes, that was a bad promise to make. But I did it. And I haven't kept it.
The plus here is that he knows he's in trouble. He has told me so several times. The addiction has him bound though.
So I have to find a way to help him because there is not one other living soul in that man's life that doesn't drink.
