Oh NoCode, I am so sorry for your long night. You had to do it, don't beat yourself up. Your S's and you deserve so much more than a woman that will lie to get HER needs met. They (WAS) have these egos on them that have to be fed, its an urgent need I believe, and she did just that.
You are seeing clearly through all this pain. Saying "I'll be happy to take the sons permanently." is not a good idea. However, your actions already say that, you will take them, soak up any time you can get with them. It just has to be with no questions asked. I am sure she will try to excuse herself out of this predicament, and I would just let her lie, and then let it lie. No use fighting a phantom.
In all honestly, this summer, when the pain was so very raw, I actually thought it would be better if H *did* die. I know now (from reading and talking with others) that is a normal reaction for us.
Sometimes I wish H would just leave all of us. Me and the girls. The pain of him walking out, free and clear, would be easier to take than what I have been doing. But, like you, I realize my girls love and very much need their Daddy. I am going to try with all my strength to see past the pain he causes me, and do what's right for the girls. So very hard to rise above.
I hope you are ok tired. I all too well understand the tired yet charged feeling. When you come down from that, take some time and relax.
