How many licks DOES it take?

[MJontheMend]

I remember when I was LD in my M, my xH constantly asked me what I liked, what I wanted, in order to have sex. He wanted to give me just that, in order to get to his version of sex. In so doing, he completely by-passed me... because his version of sex never actually involved ME. It involved the version of me be wanted me to be... so no matter what I told him, it would fall flat, because he was never seeing ME, hearing ME. He just wanted a recipe, any recipe, that would get him to HIS ideal. (Honestly, I did the same thing to him, so it isn't just an HD/LD thing. We all do it to one another).

I think it's even more basic than that. When I walked into my living room on a typical Friday night in my marriage, if I had looked at my 2bx as "any guy" I might run into in a bar, I would have immediately registered "not interested in sex with me." and moved along. In a relationship in which I was having sex fairly frequently, I would have registered "not interested in having sex with me right now." and moved along. It was only due to the lack of sex that I thought to try various arcane things and ask him "what he liked" in order to get sex. It's a sure sign of cr*ppy sex if you have to stop and ask someone if they like something. It's a sure sign of good sex if you can say with confidence "I know what you like, baby, and I'm gonna give it to you." Anyways, expecting somebody to be a mind-reader is always a losing bet.