Flipping the tortilla

[Lanzo]

Hi Tostada,

I know it's a bit scary to be in the position you are in with your W cos I've just survived that part (I think). It's like standing at the edge of a cliff and the only way to safety is to jump into a catch net which you can't see and you're not even sure is there. Trust me it is there.

I still felt a neediness in the way you handled your talks with your W So let me offer an alternative view on how you could have handled things.

I Let her start...she started by saying she is so sorry, but I am not the person for her anymore. She said she was going to try to wait until the kids were out of high school, then pull the trigger. But it just wasnt right anymore.

I'm sorry you feel this way this way, but if this is the course of action you wish to take, then you must have good reason which I am trying to understand. (etc, etc).

I brought up the OM...

Don't mention OM !!! No comments, No comparisons, No nothing. You may ask why, well talking about him, in your wifes eyes, will show you fear him and she will see you as inferior to him. So again, don't mention him (unless she does).

She resents or believes my life has been all about sports.

Yes my life was all about sports, I can see that now. No more comments, no examples, No justification, just leave it there she'll figure it out for herself.

She thinks we are opposites.

Yes we are different, we are opposites, I'm just realising that now. Again leave it there, she'll add more comment, just agree with them.

A bad note..she mentioned that three of her divorced friends told her that they have never been happier than they are now. Of course...are they going to admit their mistakes?

Divorced friends, big danger just pray they don't influence her thinking.

She really didnt want to talk to me all that much because she was afraid I could talk her into trying. So..I asked her if she would resume counseling with me..'No'....I then asked her for one favor. I have never asked her to read anything. So I asked her if she would be willing to read Love Languages. She said yes. but if she doesnt change her mind, she wants to discuss the next step. She wants to discuss it anyway. I hate all this.

I personally wouldn't have asked her to read books at this stage, because guess what, they won't change her mind now. So if she wants to talk D then talk about it "As if" you are agreeable. Right now she can see you're scared of this so she will push it on you. Relax and talk about it, and the subject soon gets pushed to one side or put on hold.

My last point is you need to change your mindset to take control of your own emotions. Say to yourself, I love my W, I want her, but I don't need her. This is the mindset that you need to adopt to get you through all of this.

Take care (cos this thread gonna lock up soon)