I am so not explaining myself... forgive me... I'm getting there.
Okay... I'm wondering, Lou, if you perhaps spend so much time focusing on what BB ISN'T, so much time focusing on what it is you are not getting (your ideal, your fantasy), that you are actually missing something right in front of your face.
For example... LFL (hope you don't mine, honey). She was completely focused on what her H wasn't giving her... she was completely focused on the fantasy of Soldier Guy... and just inadvertently, through honesty, stumbled upon something that her H actually IS... a guy turned on by talking... imagining his wife with some other guy... which turned him into the exact thing LFL has been seeking. But because she was so busy pursuing her own version of things (her ideal/her fantasy), (which her H was actively avoiding because her version of him didn't actually involve him), that she missed perhaps finding something her H IS, that would benefit both.
Lou:
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I certainly hit a cord with Lou. Until I hit it... ???
For my clarification, would you relate to or explain the cords you have in mind.
Well, when I brought up talking during sex... and your immediate response was what YOU didn't do... (your version of things), but the thought of maybe BB talking to you, or maybe exploring between you some version of that... appealed to you. In always focusing on what you are NOT getting, what ideal of yours is not being met... I'm wondering if you are missing out with the real BB because your version of her doesn't actually include her.
Does that make any sense?
I remember when I was LD in my M, my xH constantly asked me what I liked, what I wanted, in order to have sex. He wanted to give me just that, in order to get to his version of sex. In so doing, he completely by-passed me... because his version of sex never actually involved ME. It involved the version of me be wanted me to be... so no matter what I told him, it would fall flat, because he was never seeing ME, hearing ME. He just wanted a recipe, any recipe, that would get him to HIS ideal. (Honestly, I did the same thing to him, so it isn't just an HD/LD thing. We all do it to one another).
At the end of my M, when I actually accepted H exactly as he was, when I no longer focused on what he WASN'T being for me (my ideal version of him)... my anger was GONE.(Actually, at that point, we probably had the very greatest chance of having the M we both always said we wanted...)
I feel bad for doing that to him. I completely empathized with how he may have felt all those years, because I felt the exact same way....
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Getting back to what I would like. LFL H saying he wanted LFL to put her legs around him. That is something that used to happen to me but not since 1972. I miss it.
Again... what you want, what she isn't doing. I understand what you are saying... but what are you maybe NOT seeing in BB, exploring with her... that may in fact get the very thing you seek? Instead of being so focused on the goal... are you missing the very REAL process of what works for Lou/BB... not just Lou?
Is that any more clear?
ETA: I don't mean to single you out, Lou, you just happened to be in my example. I think we ALL do this, all the time...
Maybe there is no other way to do it... it's just something that has occurred to me, as I catch myself doing this very thing to others, all the time. It's humbling.
