As a man on the other side of a SSM, maybe what I'm going through and my feelings about it may help. My M isn't in the greatest shape right now but I resolved to at least always communicate my feelings to my W. Everything I want that I'm not getting can pretty much be explained by one of two things: 1. She doesn't understand or 2. She doesn't care. I can at least try to eliminate #1.
You mentioned that your H is crabby and insensitive, even shortly after sex. I have found that being sex starved makes me into a complete jerk. I have come to realize that most of the time I'm not even aware of why I'm being a jerk. It seeps out unconsciously. Other times I am aware of why I'm upset but am only marginally successful in stopping the jerk behavior.
My W has thought that once or twice a month was plenty. For me, I'd rather have zero sex than only just once or twice a month. Once or twice a month is only often enough to remind me how good life COULD be. It's like a tease of the good life. If it just never happened at all I'd just accept that it wasn't going to happen and never get my hopes up. Having sex once a month means 29 other nights of hope then rejection. Rejection to the point I rarely even try anymore.
You said that your H withdraws even more the next day or so after sex. Perhaps your H feels this way: About half an hour after sex I get in the worst mood possible because I start wondering how long I'll have to go without sex again. I just used up my monthly quota. I also get really confused - since the W seemed to really enjoy it why does she only want it once a month? Maybe she only pretended to like it? Maybe I'm not attractive to her? What is the deal?
Perhaps you should try this after sex: 1. Tell him how good he made you feel 2. Tell him that maybe you'll want to do it again tomorrow 3. Actually initiate it again tomorrow. If he feels like there isn't a quota that he just used up hopefully he'll be in a better mood and be better towards you. It might be worth a try.
My W has tried to convince me there is something wrong with me for wanting sex so much. Maybe she's right but who knows. Here's how I feel about sex and maybe your H feels the same. Without sex I do not feel loved. I can hear a million times "I love you"; or get my favorite meal, or come home to an immaculate house and it means very little when I am sex starved. There is a physical urge that makes me want sex just about every day. I'm not saying I have to have it every day to feel loved. But the physical desire is there every day. More than a few days without sex makes me very irritable. Taking care of my own needs helps reduce the feelings of hurt temporarily and at least takes my mind off of it for a few hours or maybe the rest of the night. But that is only a temporary relief and the feelings of rejection and ultimately anger and resentment return. The longer its been, or the longer I think its going to be until next time, the stronger my hurt feelings.
You said "When we do have sex. (we did last week", which makes me think of getting reminded by my W that we had sex "just last week". The feelings I get when I hear that from her are, "So I felt like you loved me one day last week. What about the other six days? What about this week?" "Just last week" is like an insult when you have desire every day.
Sorry for such a long post. Maybe your H feels like I do with my W: 1. You don't understand or 2. You just don't care. You wouldn't be here if you didn't care. So perhaps you can have a better R by gaining understanding.
The most important thing a father can do for his children is to love their mother.
