One thing you and I have in common is that we both had a strong sex drive and then lost it. This is a good thing in that you have memories to work with to help you now. The suggestions below are in no particular order. There are a number that will just repeat what’s in SSM. I got the book late in my project and remember mentally checking off things I was already doing. As always, these suggestions are some things that worked for me. Adapt as you see fit or don’t use them at all if they don’t work. Do be open minded though. Sometimes you’ll get surprised by what works.
1. Set some goals. Pick specific days or a specific frequency, maybe start with once a week. If H initiates, you know you’re going to go ahead no matter what in order to meet your goal (unless of course you’re in the hospital in a coma.) If he doesn’t initiate, you initiate regardless of how you feel. Your exercise analogy is right on target. You’re going to tell your brain to keep quiet when it says, “But you don’t feel like it. Your body isn’t ready. It won’t respond.” Repeat to yourself, some bodies respond AFTER getting started. (I wish I had had that piece of information when I first got started on all of this!)
Give yourself a pat on the back when you succeed. Don’t beat yourself up if it wasn’t earth-shattering or because you never really got aroused. Self-recrimination is very unhelpful for one’s libido. I learned this the hard way. Work your way toward a frequency you can both feel good about. (You’re not stuck with just your goals. You are allowed to exceed them. Your H won’t mind.) One problem: When I went ahead and had sex when I was royally pissed off at my husband, I usually found myself feeling pretty miserable about the whole thing. This is also unhelpful. I would overcome it and get back on track with my goals, but I’m still not sure if that is one circumstance where I should’ve broken my rule of “sex…no matter what!” If there is a situation where you do not think you will be able to feel good about yourself and your spouse after having sex, maybe it is the exception to rule of “sex…no matter what!” I’m not really sure though.
2. Get as healthy as possible. Clearly, you already know the value of exercise. Don’t forget SLEEP. Lack of sleep doesn’t just make people cranky. It has a host of other negative effects. Get a good quota of laughter in each day too, with each other if possible.
3. Reconsider your method of contraception if it currently involves messing with your hormones or causes you discomfort. Better yet, let him take responsibility for contraception. You have other things to concentrate on right now. (If he won’t take on the responsibility, you’ll still have to.)
4. If you don’t have sexual fantasies of the visual or story variety, maybe touch is your fantasy medium. Close your eyes and imagine being touched. Think about touch that just feels good, not necessarily sexual. Really get your imagination going, then try to move your imagination to other more sexual touching, something you remember as being pleasurable and arousing. Do this on your own. Make appointments with yourself, maybe in the shower or the tub if water feels good to you. Do lots of stuff on your own to try to arouse yourself without the pressure of trying to satisfy another person or the pressure of needing your body to respond RIGHT NOW. You don’t have to feel sexy to start doing this. In fact you probably won’t, hence the need for an “appointment” rather than waiting for the right feeling or mood. It felt very clinical to me, but my body did get back in sexual shape to some degree as a result. Don’t stress if you don’t have immediate success. Just try again another day. Practice doing this on your own and you’ll have some strategies to try when you’re with your spouse, even if you’re soooo not in the mood. Try old things and new things. Bodies change as they mature.
5. K-Y jelly (or other lubricant), also…
6. Check out the adult stores, not pornography per se but those that sell lingerie and sexual toys. This could be hard, but ask the clerk for lubricants, balms, or oils that can create pleasurable sensations. There are some with menthol that have a very interesting sensation. Maybe even let the clerk know a little about the problem. Some of them can be quite knowledgeable and helpful. And you won’t be the first person that’s ever asked for assistance! Don’t want to go in? Call them on the phone. If you don’t think you can do this, maybe your H can. One caveat with having your h do this is that he’ll be thinking about what would be arousing for him. He might get it wrong when it comes to what is arousing for you. But keep an open mind; you’re exploring.
7. Wear stuff that you feel most sexy in, or that you used to remember feeling sexy in. It may not be what is typically thought of as sexy. I had to really concentrate on what made me feel good and more in the mood and let go of all the cultural messages of what should make me feel sexy. Explore your memory for what you really felt good in. If possible wear it at non-sexual times as much as you can. The idea is to bring back and nurture those pleasant sensations (A sensation’s a sensation, no matter how small!) Wearing something that feels good and wearing it a lot may also get you thinking about sex in a more pleasurable way rather than with all the anxiety and stress that thinking about sex may cause now.
Your H may have to wait for you to wear something he finds sexy. Right now, you have to do what you need to do to help you get in the mood. There will be time later for his visual needs to be met! It may seem selfish that you’re going to focus so much on what makes you feel sexy, but right now you’re just trying to get to the point of having more sex. I really had to give myself permission to do what I needed to do to get myself ready. H will reap the benefits of having more sex, even if it isn’t exactly everything he wants at the moment. It’s a compromise.
8. If there are things going on that are occupying your mind, causing you stress, zapping your energy, see if you can get your H to help you with addressing them. Perhaps let him know it’ll be easier for you to relax and take the time for sex, if you could just get some of this stuff dealt with. It doesn't have to be some earth-shattering problem. It could be something really small that helps you.
9. If there are times of the month when you just don’t feel good, let your H know in advance rather than when he tries to initiate sex.
10. If there are times of the month when you’re more likely to feel a tiny bit sexy, make the most of it! I kept a calendar and found a monthly pattern to my limited arousal levels. I know, it sounds real clinical and not very sexy. (We went through years of infertility treatment, so I know all about calendars, scheduled sex, and non-sexy sex! ;-))
11. What to do when H’s behavior is decidedly unhelpful: Try to acknowledge the feelings behind any H behavior. Express sympathy. This might put him in a mood to be more understanding towards you. At the very least, you will have modeled compassion and sensitivity. (Sure, he could’ve gone first with the compassion, but it doesn’t really matter who goes first as long as somebody does.) Don’t let resentment of his behavior build. Just let it go. Easier said than done, I know. You know that you’re trying to make things better. Stay focused. If it is too hard on a particular occasion to acknowledge his feelings and express sympathy, at least try not to let his behavior get to you. I know it can be very frustrating to know he wants more sex, but he also behaves in ways that undermine your efforts to deal with the problem. Hopefully when he reads the section to the high desire spouse, he’ll be open to change some of the things he does.
