Wow! I can't stop crying. Thank you so much for your responses. I have held this in and been dealing with it for 11 years by myself. It's astounding to me that there are other people who are out there who understand.
I got to page 100 in SSM yesterday and couldn't stop crying when I was reading either. I havn't cried in months about anything. This new way of looking at things is effecting me deeply.
Kelly, you asked if we are in therapy. No. We went one time before and did not get help with this specific issue. But yes my H is reading the book too.
There is so much anger between us. One wrong move, look, or word and either of us could explode. Although we both try, we really do, to be polite and nice to eachother. The anger doesn't go away. We work together at home, we are both artists. We are both very sensitive people. We are very much in the catch 22. He is hurt and mad because of not enough sex. I am hurt and made because he is insensitive, angry and nasty to me.
When we do have sex. (we did last week). It seems he withdraws even more the next day or so.
In the last few days since reading this book. I think to myself "just do it". And even by body (at times) feels like it. But I havn't pursued anything because my heart feels so angry at him. I will soften for one minute, then he says something insensitive or negative and I freeze up and walk away.
I have been trying to think about this like I do about my workouts at 5 am. When the alarm goes off getting up is sooo painfully difficult. But I know that if I get up and work through the next 5 minutes of discomfort I will feel great once I start working out and even better the rest of the day because I did something good for me.
I am trying to apply this approach to sex. Because once we are there, having sex, it is good to great. It's just that hump of getting past the anxiety and anger that is sooo challenging.
I also feel like he has just given up. And I don't blame him at all. But I am not even sure if he wants it anymore. I think he has become accustomed to being mad about it.
Everything feels so complex. It feels like that show "Fear Factor". I feel the way the competitors do before they do a challenge. I feel scared to death. But I think if I do it the reward will be a better relationship. That's worth way more than $50,000.
MPT, you said months of just doing it and your desire came back. How did you get yourself to "just do it?"
I think there is hope now, that i did not have before.
Thanks for "listening".
Further comments or suggestions are very much appriciated.
