I found "The Sex Starved Marriage" last Sunday. I can't believe that somone put into words my sexual relationship with my husband. I really thought we were the only ones going through this.
We've been together 10 years. Married 4. We are both 34. No kids. I have not been interested in having sex for at least a year before we even met. Prior to that I had a huge sex drive. No kidding, one day it was just gone. It went from a 10 to a 0 in one day and it never came back. I remember the moment. I was with a boyfriend, we were about to have sex and I didn't feel like it! I was confused and have been confused ever since. Unfortunatly, I have spent the last 10 years trying to figure out "why?" and what's wrong with me. Doctors, herbs, meditation, therapy, prayer, books and the list goes on.
My H and I now have sex about one time every one or two months. Mostly because I feel obligated and can see his frustration. It used to be that we had a good relationship other than this. Now is seems there just isn't a connection any more.
I can't begin to explain the guilt, self-doubt, and anger at myself over this. I am embarrassed and feel like a failure as a woman and wife.
About 2 weeks ago I did a funny little chinese horoscope thing and at the end got to make a wish. I wished that our sex life would go from it's current 1 to a 10. (I didn't ask for much, ha ha)
The next week I found Michele's book and this site. So far I have learned how important sex is in a marriage to keep that connection alive. And how much pain my husband must be in from the constant rejections. I have learned that I don't have to feel like doing it to actually do it. Most importantly I learned that the "why" doesn't really matter. And figuring out the "why" will not bring my desire back. I think letting go of the "why" is going to be my biggest challenge.
I have also learned to listen to the little (and they are little) signs inside myself that tell me I am not completely sexually dead inside.
When I came to this site I was looking for others who are the low desire partner. But I have mostly found the high desire partner looking for answers. This is odd to me because I'm always the one looking for answers and my h seem to deal with it by pouting and be mad, but never really looking for solutions. Although, deep down I know he is as desperate for change as I am.
It's one thing to know and learn new ideas. It is quite another to apply them. I guess I am looking for words of wisdom, support and/or encouragement to really apply the principles in the book and to do whatever I can to make a real change here.
I am so tired of the constant worry, anger, resentement and fear surround our sex life. I want my husband back and I want to be able to give him and myself this very important aspect of our sex life.
Any comments or suggestions greatly appriciated...
