Hello all, I am finally writing my 1st post after lurking here since april 2007. I must start by first thanking michelle and this board for everything I have learned here and for giving me the strength to get to where I am at. It was just this last weekend that my husband told me for the second time he is leaving and just doesnt feel like his heart is in this marriage. I have learned on this board to start off by doing a timeline of events and background info for all to see my situation-so here it goes:
*April,1995-I met the love of my life when we were in high school on the same gymnastics team. He was 15 & I was 16 yrs old *August,2000-We got married when I graduated from college, I became a teacher and he owned his own construction business. *July 4th 2004-Showed his first real signs of depression/crisis as he was wasted and joking about suicide. He was screwed on a const. job and Knew he would take on a huge amount of debt. We were house hunting around this time and couldnt agree/find a house we both liked.He later got a huge workmans comp. bill and knew he couldnt afford it. Stress ran high & he started treating me poorly and working late. He talked about changing careers. *Sept. '04- he bought his first mlc toy a tractor that cost almost 30k when he was allready broke. I supported his decision to change careers to fencing even though it was all talk and he never really did it. *Nov. "04- He wanted me to buy two houses that sat on the same plot of land (they were dumpy) and fix them up with him so we could live in one and rent out the other or use the other for his business. I hated the houses and didn't see the value in them at all and I declined. I was still finishing my masters and could not help out and they were small houses,plus I was coaching cheer season for a four month run and I just said no. *March 2005- he bought the two houses with out me, I was devistated. He worked on them 24/7, and a few weeks into that I finally got the guts to ask him if he wanted my help & so I did. *June '05-I got home from work to find he has bought his third MLC toy (a brand new 12k Jet ski) with out ever discussing it with me. He was miserable to me at this time as he said he knew he would be going bankrupt and thats why he decided to buy it. *summer '05- he stopped wanting and enjoying sex. He started drinking way heavier than before, trying drugs.Getting in fights with all of our friends and hangs with his own new friends. He told me then he wanted to move out & live alone in one of the houses he bought and was now trying to sell. I begged him not to and he stayed, but I knew then that I would have to give into moving anywhere to get out of our 1st home cuz it was driving him nuts that we couldn't agree upon a 2nd home. *Oct. '05- My grandma dies. Hard on both of us. *Nov. '05- We moved into our 2nd home that was wonderful and Yes we both agreed upon it and it also was a duplex so we rented out the other half and were making money on it. It was great. He started to seem happy. I put this house in my name since we knew it was likely his business would still be going bankrupt. *mid nov. '05- His grandma dies. Hard on both of us, and this is the first time i had seen him ever break down. *Christmas '05- he says he doesnt want to go to christmas at my families house but he did anyway and was uncomfortable with them *winter/spring '06- really starts career hunting, took a job for one day and then quit. gets really close w/our retired neighbor *memorial day '06- Retired neighbor dies/ i tried cpr but he had congestive heart failure. My H was sad as was I. *june 06- he treated me like crap on my birthday and said again that he didn't think we should be together. *summer '06- he stops wanting to go on vacations we have always taken but went miserably anyway due to traditions/friends, ect. He also almost got a dwi on one of the vacations-heavily drinks. he stopped wearing wedding band and said he lost it. *Aug. '06- I bought him a new wedding band for our anniversary. *Fall'06- he starts to file 4 bankruptcy and becomes very cold *winter '06-becomes very distant/depressed. Says he lost the wedding band I had just gotten him due to the cold weather. Doesnt want to go to holiday events with my side of family but does anyway again. He also got into a huge fight (physical and verbal) with my older brother and no longer talks to him. *dec 06/jan 07- his bankruptcy is final and now he starts acting like a frat boy. says to me again he doesnt want to be married. Says ILYBNILWY, we have no common interests,we have lost site of who we are, no passion left for me.ect...But then the next day acts normal and that things are fine w/us. He also just left me at a bar one night and drove home alone wasted & hardly apologise *Early march '07- a different neighbor approached us with a great offer to buy our house so we said of course, meanwhile we were discussing to build a house of our own and we even had blueprints and a great deal on a piece of land. *March 26, '07- I come home to a dear john letter on the floor. He said he is moving out and wants a divorce even though he will always love me.He said he just couldn't put his finger on it but he knew he wanted out of our marriage. He pulls every replay behavior possible durring this time. Total FRAT BOY! And worst off lies to me about no other woman being the reason & I find out he is into a stripper.He took whatever he wanted without asking from house, HE TOOK MY DOG (I have since got her back) He got his own apartment, goes to strip club every night, goes completely broke, total hygiene and wardrobe makeovers, and will not talk to me or tell me (or any family or friends either) where he is living. I had to find these things out on my own. weeeks later he calls and wants to see me & when he came over he calls me a Lesbian and says just because he hasn't had sex w/the stripper doesnt mean that he doesnt want to. And that he is ready and looking and I cant control him, but he still wants to be friends. we were legally seperated in the end of June. *Spring/Summer '07- I DB'd my but off. He starts calling and texting me. everytime we would see each other he would look me up and down. I lost 28 pnds and looked anorexic, but still ate normal.I told my friends that he is in mlc right before we left for a vacaition. the whole time on vacation with my friends he starts texting me he is sorry, and wants to come see me and wants to work on marriage. I was estatic but I also felt like he was comming out too early from what I learned. *End of summer '07- We moved in with each other and he really seemed at first to want to make it work it was great like a 2nd honeymoon for a while. We moved into my new town house I was forced to buy during the time he was gone. and went on with life. *Mid oct. '07- I find a pair of socks on my laundry room floor that are foreign to me and I confront him and I was crying and mad of course and so he says he has no clue where they came from and says he will leave if I don't trust him. So I stopped and Trusted him and he stayed. He also tells me around this time he doesnt want to do any holidays with my family this year. *Thanksgiving '07- he made me so happy cuz he actually came to thanksgiving at my folks house and he talked to my brother that he hates. I couldn't believe it. He also just got a new shop to rent as he is now changing his career to automechanics. He seemed so happy and focused on the shop. I am happy for this. *Nov/dec '07- His main focus is shop, but he is also gone a lot, hanging with a 20 yr old kid (& looking guilty), starts snapping at me, not wanting to do things with me, falls asleep at 8 and wakes up at 4, is rude to my brother, and very distant. Dec. 14, '07- he tells me we need to talk about the tension and I told him he has been distant and doesn't seem to be commited and he agreed and said he needs to think & stayed overnight in a hotel. the next morning he comes home to talk and says he is confussed and doesn't know what he wants and that he would stay here in meanwhile and we can "Fake it " through the hoidays. I said ok. Then 30 minutes later he says he wants to commit and work on the marriage still. Later that night we went to a christmas party for all our friends and it was great he seemed to be for real. then the next morning we woke he was distant again. Tells me that his heart is just not into it anymore, and he hates hurting me, but he has got to leave me again.I cried!!! Dec.18, '07- he moves out for the 2nd time cleans our whole house and pays all the bills before he left. this time he told me where he is living and says he wants to be friends. He told me at first he would still bowl on our league/team and showed up yesterday for the game. But before he left he told me that he has gotten himself a sub for the rest of the year, I said i understand. Before he left the alley, he never said good bye to me or not even a Merry christmas. Oh my god this is hard! Dec 23, '07- Well there it is that is my first post. I hope that it isn't too long(sorry). when he left me again, It is like the whole pain started all over again, I am loosing hope, this is so scarey to go through, thanks for listening.
Hi Tipper, you're like me. Read and register and lurk for a long time and finally post! I hope you get some help here to your story.
My thought is that your H seems to come and go as he pleases and you let him. Do you remember that if what you're doing isn't working then change it? don't keep going down cheeseless tunnels?
After this amount of back and forth with your H I think you need to set some boundaries, but only if you think you can stick to them. If you can't stick to them then it's useless. What can you do to change what isn't working?
Palgal, Thanks for responding, I can't thank you enough. I agree with your comment that I repeatedly keep letting him walk all over me, Cheesless tunnel. I just feel like I have learned from DBing to be friendly to him even when he treats me bad & repeatedly leaves. So now do i start to go dark/last resort technique, or something else? He says he wants to be friends, I don't talk/call him unless he calls me. Should i not answer calls or just respond way after the fact? I do believe that I have learned so much from this last experience of his return, and if he ever wants to work things out again, I do believe that i would be able to handle it differently. I have made a list of expectations (not demands) that I would need to see him/us attempt before we fully commit. I just don't feel like he is ever going to wake up from this whole mess. I am really trying to figure out right now if he has slipped back into replay or if he is just really needing some time to get through the stages of depression/withdrawl. he seemes to be very depressed right now and he says he just wants to focus on his new auto shop. I appreciate any advice or thoughts on this. thanks, Tipper.
Jack three beans, Thanks for replying, Yes he is still very much an alchoholic, but he has layed off of the drugs i was referring to. When he moved out this second time, @ first he was saying that he was going to try and not drink so much, but then about 5 minutes later he was saying that he was excited about where his new apartment is because its right next to all the bars in our town, and therefore he wont have to drink and drive. Its like everything he says is followed up with another sentence that completely negates what he previously said. Another example is that when he moved out this second time he got a 6 month lease, and was saying to me at first "I don't want to lead you on or give you any hope that we might ever be able to get back together", and then in the next sentence he says "but you never know what we may be feeling in 6 months from now". I think he is Bi-polar (and he admits to it, and read alot about it the first time he left me, and it runs in his family). This time when he left me again, he was cutting himself down in words,pacing the house, and silently thinking to himself alot. I feel like he just couldn't handle all of the pressures of the season, and snapped. As far as I could tell there may not be OW at this time, but I also have not snooped. I Would like to think that he is moving into the stages of depression/withdrawl, and hopefully not slipping back into replay. I don't know wether to be nice and friendly to him anymore, or to put my foot down the next time I see him and say "A friend would not treat a friend the way he has me, therefore we have no reason to be in contact", or is that too strong? Thanks again, and I will be getting Internet service on monday so I will be able to come here more often then and look at others posts, as I am at a friends computer now. Tipper
Ok, he must still be totally in replay. I saw him the other night at a restuarant/bar in my town. He walked in with 3 people we are just barely aquantances with. He had his hat backwards and was acting all big and bad. He didn't even really say hi to the 30 other of our friends that he knew were there with me. At one point, he did come up to me and said "hi", I looked at him weirdly and said "hi" back. That was all! Later when I left he text me a message asking me: "are you mad at me". I didn't respond right away. later the next day I text him back: "I am not mad, I am simply letting you go". I was so scared to send it but every sign is telling me it was the right thing to do. He never responded to that text. Was it too harsh? Do you think it may make him realize that I am done dealing with this, as I have my own great life to live, & if he ever wants to reconcile, it will have to be him that gets his act together. I just feel like he has put me through heck and back in this last year and has treated me like crap for almost 3 years now. I just don't know how much more i can deal with, he just moved out for the second time and I am afraid of messing things up permanently, as I still hope that maybe someday again he will change his mind and want to work on our marriage. Thanks for listening, Tipper
hi all, I was just wondering if their is anyone else out here that has had a spouse leave, and come back and act like they really wanted to work on it, but then just up and leaves again? I feel like I have lost all my hope and I don't know if I am throwing the towel in too early. Tipper
Tipper, you sound real down about everything while your H is possibly feeling 'free' right now having just moved out. Do your best to be happy and smiling whenever you see him. It was really great you were out with a group and he saw that so he knows you are not sitting home pining for him. If you see him again and he says hi, are you up for trying the shock and awe theory? Plant a big kiss on him and say I'm not mad!
You know your limits and how much you will tolerate. If you put it on a scale of 1 to 10 and 10 being done how done are you?
