HELP!! my 25 y/o H walked out... maybe mlc? HELP!!

[darkestangel]

I'm 23, my H is 25. We dated for 3 years in middle/high school, broke up for a few years and reunited after high school. We've been married for 3 1/2 years, with a 3 year old d.

A couple weeks ago, I noticed H was starting to pay attention to his looks alot more- he started getting dressed better to go to work, doing his hair, etc. We'd had issues a few years ago where he was talking with women online, so I suspected that he was interested in someone at work. One night I called (he works graveyard), and they said he wasn't there- he had left early.

The next morning, i asked him how work was. He gave me the song and dance about how busy it was and how late he worked. When I confronted him, he admitted he was out with his "friend", who I highly suspect is his OW. He started yelling about how he doesn't love me, and how I make him miserable. 5 minutes into the fight, he drops the D word.

I work 8-12pm, and after work I came home to an empty apartment. He had packed all of his stuff- his clothes, his movies, his toiletries- everything. He said he was staying at his moms and left. We only have 1 car- he left me with no car, no money, no food- and our 3 y/o d.

I cried all night. The first 2 days were hell. I took a day off work, and he came by to talk. The talk lasted 10 minutes. He says he never wanted all this responsibility, he feels like he missed out. I love you but I'm not in love with you. I care about you, but I don't love you like I used to. I want a divorce. I told him that we had so much history- I had loved him through everything and I loved him still. I know all his good points and his bad points and I love all of him. He said he didn't love me. He still says he doesn't love me. I've lost 20 pounds in less than 2 weeks from the stress.

That was 4 days before Christmas. Since then, he's been staying at his moms. He takes our D for the weekends, and our contact is very short. I'm buying a car next week, and until then he still drives me to work. One morning, he was late picking me up because he spent the night at his OW house, and he also takes our D to go out with her.

he won't talk to me about our relationship. He won't even consider counseling or trying even a separation. He wants a divorce. He doesn't hang out with our friends much, he's immersed himself with his OW and her friends. Some days he's very cold to me, some days he's like his usual self.

the first week, i cried nonstop. The past few days, after finding this board, i've been trying some of the techniques. he hasn't warmed up much, but he seems more comfortable around me.
He tells me he 100% wants a divorce. He tells me he won't even consider a separation or counseling, or working it out. He tells me that he doesn't love me.

All this that he has done to me, and I love him so much. Our marriage wasn't perfect, we both made mistakes, but I just know we could work through it. I feel like he put so little value on our marriage, on me- that he's so willing to throw it away. I'm left here with no car, no money. H wanted me to stay at home, i did for 2 1/2 years. I insisted on working p/t, and I'm so happy I did and found my job- or else we'd have nothing.

I want so much to plead with him, but I haven't in 2 days. It's so hard, but I'm trying.

His dad had mlc/ depression issues. His dad ran off a couple times on his mom before ultimately divorcing her when H was a teen. His dad and all of his uncles have been married 2 or 3 times. H also has low self esteem. i always put him up, but then he'd say that he gained weight because I cooked too much for him (or the wrong things), or that I "let" him stay home from work and that's why we had money issues, or that I "let" him spend too much money on his hobbies.

he's 25. is it too young for MLC? Everyone in our lives tell me to just let go and move on, to accept his decision and know that one day he'll regret it. H has made up his mind, and he won't even talk to me. I've been given no reason other than he doesn't love me.
It's so frustrating because he won't talk to me. I've known H since I was 12 years old, we've always been able to talk. But he just won't say anything besides I don't love you like I used to.

He's also addicted to video games. Even when we had no extra income, he always bought a new game every week. Sometimes he played 30+ hours a week, while working a 40 hour workweek. Maybe he was depressed, and trying to fill the void with something?

H put up a blog online, saying that he knows he's being a d*ck and a selfish @ssh*le, and how he just wants everyone to shut up and accept it. He said he should just kill himself and end it all. I asked him about it the next day, he said he was just pissed off.

He went through a depression a few years before we got back together. Maybe he's been depressed and I didn't see it.

I love him so much. Part of me wants to give up and protect my own emotions, to harden myself and give him what he wants. But there's a small part of me that hopes. That hopes and hopes and hopes.

[kaycie]

I understand how you feel... as far as comming home to find that your H packed up and left... what a hard low blow and a shocker.

I am sorry that your H is being so determined to D, My H the day after his move out said he wanted to work on us and he would come home when he felt better. well that was a year ago and he says that he is not comfortable because of the conflicts we still have which are basically me trying to plead with him to come home. I got the DB book last weekend and I have trying to go with that I have been through so many tough tough test over the past few months especially but I still want to save my marriage. I feel like I owe it to my family to be here while my H is "sick" and as I say under the influence of satan. The old him would never do what he is doing now.

anyways I don't know what to say in the advice area except trying the backing off from pressuring him, I say that because I feel like the has been my biggest mistake in causing my H to still be away from home. maybe if you can give him his space to go through this early on you will be able to get things right sooner rather then later...

[darkestangel]

also, OW is 12 years older than him! She had a marriage early on that she ended, and I can assume that she encouraged him to end his. Sounds like EA that lead to PA. Now his family/ friends call me because they can't get ahold of H, he is always with OW.

[ms ladybug]

Sorry you found yourself in this situation, but I'm glad you found us. It's still early on, I wouldn't expect him to warm up just yet, so don't get upset if you don't see anything. He still sees you everyday so really he has not had a chance to miss you. I'm glad you're getting a car, now you need to get a life. THAT'S what's going to get him thinking.

Also remember, he's going to say ALL KINDS of very painful things to you. Things that will hurt you so deeply. You HAVE to remember, that you cannot believe ANYTHING he says right now, and only 50% of what you see.

Keep us updated and we'll help the best that we can.

[darkestangel]

Things are so chatoic, I don't know where to begin.

It's been 2 1/2 weeks now since he walked out. He's seeing OW (the 37 y/o, when he's 25), sometimes staying the night at her house. He likes to tell me how much fun he has with her (at the movies/ bars/ etc.). He says they're getting serious, he says he maybe loves her. He announced the ILYBINILWY only 2 1/2 weeks ago! He also made a comment about how "respectful" she is of me during this time. I almost sh*t my pants! RESPECTFUL?? She's having an affair with my husband! I haven't asked questions, I haven't responded with anger. But it's like he's purposly stabbing me. He told me that she's really pretty and he thinks we would be friends. I'm sure the look on my face was priceless.

ALSO, he took our d3 to chuck e cheeses last weekend... with OW and her friends!! It pissed me off, but I didn't confront him about it. After all, I can't control his actions, only my own. (my new mantra) And also, if I were to get into an argument with him, it would just give him more reason to run to the OW with a story of his horrible wife, and I'm not handing that over to him. He wants me to be mad. I want to be cool & in control.

H's moods are unpredictable. For the first 2 weeks, he was very short with me and didn't say much. the past few days, it's a different story each day. (we only had one car, and he left with it so he's been by every morning to take d to preschool & me to work, and every afternoon to drop us off. I'm buying a car next Tues, but that's why we see each other every day)

On Wednesday, he was very bitter and was just looking to pick fights. He had a pissed off look on his face, he was very confrontational and just ugly to me. He has alot of animosity in him that day, and I kept my cool during our short visits, but he was antagonistic and trying to goad me into a fight.

Thursday was a totally different story. We ended up talking for a half hour in the car. H's father was an alcoholic until H was 10, bad childhood and very low self esteem. H was saying how he always felt that he didn't deserve me, even as teenagers. H said he felt like he could never make me happy. I started working p/t a few months ago, and he didn't like it. I worked 20 hrs/week, and I kept my job because I love it and we need the money (this was the cause of some of our fights). He tells me now that he felt that since I was working & I just started going to school, he felt like i was going to run off with some rich doctor. he said he never felt comfortable with himself, he had had suicidal thoughts in the past weeks since our split and had actually sat down to write the suicide notes. H admitted that he knew he was being very selfish and felt guilty. H also kept saying that it wasn't me or the marriage, he wasn't happy with himself, he never has been and feels he never will be. H said that maybe he'll always be alone, he's always felt alone. I asked if he's happier now, and he said that he likes that there's no pressure. He doesn't have to be a dad (except on the weekends) or a husband, he doesn't have any pressure.
I listened and encouraged him. I know I'm not supposed to tell him I love him, btu I did. I told him that I knew all of him, good and bad, and that I would always have love for him. He was so sad & depressed, and I was trying to be here for him. Despite all of this hell, I still love him.
When he left, he actually gave me a few warm hugs and a kiss on the cheek- a first since the split.

Today (Friday), another completley different story. H was acting like the divorce was going on and nothing was the matter. Making jokes, chit chatting. He talked happily about how he's going to move out of his mom's place and rent a room from his friend. He wants me to move out of our apartment, breaking the lease, and rent a room somewhere to save money. It would save us alot of money, but I said I'd have to think about it. I really can't afford this apartment on my own, but I'm determined to keep my daughter's home for as long as I can. He was upbeat, and just like he used to be.

Part of me really thinks that this is some QLC and when he comes to his senses, he'll want to rejoin our family. Part of me thinks it's a lost cause and is ready to throw in the towel. Never in the time since he's left has he spoken about maybe reconciling or coming home.

I feel like I'm hanging onto a string of hope that no one else sees. I value my marriage, and although neither my husband now I am perfect, we have a wonderful family together and I'm not ready to give that up.

Thursday reignited my ray of hope. H did thank me for giving him so much space and being so understanding, he said that he couldn't believe how wonderful I have been through all this.

yet, he still says he doesn't love me.

[ms ladybug]

I hate those unpredictable moods. I get those to. Everytime the phone rings, and I see his number I wonder what his mood is going to be. Is he going to be pissed about something, or be really cool? I never know.

You'll be able to go dark once you have a car and he'll see you A LOT less. Once that happens, keep all phone calls business related or only concerning your daughter. He'll start to wonder about you more the less he sees of you.

[fish]

Dark

I feel for you, you are so young to be experiencing this much pain.

Your H is very young and is overwhelmed by the responsibility of a marriage and being a father. He looks at the OW as a mother figure who will take care of him.

Can you move in with your parents or family? You and your D need support

[braveheart]

I'm 23, my H is 25. We dated for 3 years in middle/high school, broke up for a few years and reunited after high school. We've been married for 3 1/2 years, with a 3 year old d.

A couple weeks ago, I noticed H was starting to pay attention to his looks alot more- he started getting dressed better to go to work, doing his hair, etc. We'd had issues a few years ago where he was talking with women online, so I suspected that he was interested in someone at work. One night I called (he works graveyard), and they said he wasn't there- he had left early.

The next morning, i asked him how work was. He gave me the song and dance about how busy it was and how late he worked. When I confronted him, he admitted he was out with his "friend", who I highly suspect is his OW. He started yelling about how he doesn't love me, and how I make him miserable. 5 minutes into the fight, he drops the D word.

I work 8-12pm, and after work I came home to an empty apartment. He had packed all of his stuff- his clothes, his movies, his toiletries- everything. He said he was staying at his moms and left. We only have 1 car- he left me with no car, no money, no food- and our 3 y/o d.

I cried all night. The first 2 days were hell. I took a day off work, and he came by to talk. The talk lasted 10 minutes. He says he never wanted all this responsibility, he feels like he missed out. I love you but I'm not in love with you. I care about you, but I don't love you like I used to. I want a divorce. I told him that we had so much history- I had loved him through everything and I loved him still. I know all his good points and his bad points and I love all of him. He said he didn't love me. He still says he doesn't love me. I've lost 20 pounds in less than 2 weeks from the stress.

That was 4 days before Christmas. Since then, he's been staying at his moms. He takes our D for the weekends, and our contact is very short. I'm buying a car next week, and until then he still drives me to work. One morning, he was late picking me up because he spent the night at his OW house, and he also takes our D to go out with her.

he won't talk to me about our relationship. He won't even consider counseling or trying even a separation. He wants a divorce. He doesn't hang out with our friends much, he's immersed himself with his OW and her friends. Some days he's very cold to me, some days he's like his usual self.

the first week, i cried nonstop. The past few days, after finding this board, i've been trying some of the techniques. he hasn't warmed up much, but he seems more comfortable around me.
He tells me he 100% wants a divorce. He tells me he won't even consider a separation or counseling, or working it out. He tells me that he doesn't love me.

All this that he has done to me, and I love him so much. Our marriage wasn't perfect, we both made mistakes, but I just know we could work through it. I feel like he put so little value on our marriage, on me- that he's so willing to throw it away. I'm left here with no car, no money. H wanted me to stay at home, i did for 2 1/2 years. I insisted on working p/t, and I'm so happy I did and found my job- or else we'd have nothing.

I want so much to plead with him, but I haven't in 2 days. It's so hard, but I'm trying.

His dad had mlc/ depression issues. His dad ran off a couple times on his mom before ultimately divorcing her when H was a teen. His dad and all of his uncles have been married 2 or 3 times. H also has low self esteem. i always put him up, but then he'd say that he gained weight because I cooked too much for him (or the wrong things), or that I "let" him stay home from work and that's why we had money issues, or that I "let" him spend too much money on his hobbies.

he's 25. is it too young for MLC? Everyone in our lives tell me to just let go and move on, to accept his decision and know that one day he'll regret it. H has made up his mind, and he won't even talk to me. I've been given no reason other than he doesn't love me.
It's so frustrating because he won't talk to me. I've known H since I was 12 years old, we've always been able to talk. But he just won't say anything besides I don't love you like I used to.

He's also addicted to video games. Even when we had no extra income, he always bought a new game every week. Sometimes he played 30+ hours a week, while working a 40 hour workweek. Maybe he was depressed, and trying to fill the void with something?

H put up a blog online, saying that he knows he's being a d*ck and a selfish @ssh*le, and how he just wants everyone to shut up and accept it. He said he should just kill himself and end it all. I asked him about it the next day, he said he was just pissed off.

He went through a depression a few years before we got back together. Maybe he's been depressed and I didn't see it.

I love him so much. Part of me wants to give up and protect my own emotions, to harden myself and give him what he wants. But there's a small part of me that hopes. That hopes and hopes and hopes.

Honey, I don't think its an MLC with your H, he is too young for that. I think he said it right on the nose. "He knows he's being a dick and a selfish [censored]" I think that pretty much explains what;s going on. He doesn't want the responsibility of a wife and family. I feel for you, I really do, my XW walked off and left me with 2 little kids and I am a lot older than you are. A positive thing is that you are very young, this OW is older, she will tire of his crap, believe me.

[darkestangel]

Sunday nights are the worst. I miss him. It's been 2 1/2 weeks, and although my friends & family have been great, I miss him.

We went for a drive today. We talked for a little bit about OR. H has SOOO much hostility towards me, so much animosity. H is rewriting our history so that I did everything wrong that led to our breakup. H is the one who's cheated on me before, who's continuing his relationship with OW now, and he makes it so that he left because I nagged too much, blahblahblah. I kept my cool and didn't lose my temper.

I told him that we're young (I'm 23, he's 25). We're still growing up, we're not the same people we were a couple years ago, and in a couple years from now, we won't be the same people. I take responsiblity for my part in the downfall of our marriage- we had opposite work schedules and didn't have time for *us*, and I was overhwlmed by all the pressure. In our 3 year marriage, I had 2 pregnancies (I was a surrogate for my friends), and we moved 3 times. I was stressed out.

H didn't want to hear it. H said that he didn't love me, that he'll never come home to me and that I made him miserable.

It's hard- I know I'm supposed to avoid talks about OR, and now I see why! He does respond better when I'm applying DB techniques though, so after my short fall off, I'm back on the wagon!

I am making the effort to forgive him, and have told him so. It's hard though- he walked out on me & our d, he's cheating on me still- yet i'm the only one who wants to save our marriage. maybe I'm just being a chump? My friends & family continue to tell me to accept the fact that he's gone and will never come back.

This is the most stressful, emotionally draining experience of my life.

[cat03]

your sitch is somewhat similar to the time when my H left. So much I'd like to tell you, so I'll try to sum it up:

"he had had suicidal thoughts....he wasn't happy with himself, he never has been and feels he never will be. H said that maybe he'll always be alone, he's always felt alone"

This is big time depression, and people at this stage rush into decisions not because they've thought it up good, they just want the pain to end and they don't know how, they want "something" to happen and the best they can do is run away. My H suffers from depression and your H's description fits to a T. A few months after our S my H actually listened to me and went to a psychiatrist and a therapist, he was a total wreck, he was taking some meds for a while.

he's immersed himself with his OW and her friends

Again, he is trying to cure his depression by distracting himself, but as you can plainly see, it is a quick fix, he feels good for a while, but only for a bit, that's what affairs are, a escape route.

Today (Friday), another completley different story. H was acting like the divorce was going on and nothing was the matter

Yes, my H also was totally convinced he wanted a separation and got a lawyer right away when he found out he could be in a HEAP of legal trouble for abandoning our home. He talked about selling our home, etc etc. I would have none of that. For once, I stalled and bought time, I told him to give me time to deal with the separation and that I was in no shape to make any decisions, he actually backed off a bit. Do NOT move nor do any big decisions right now because he wants you to, he himself doens't know what he wants, so don't get dragged into his emotional rollercoaster, his mind is swiss cheese right now.

Never in the time since he's left has he spoken about maybe reconciling or coming home. I feel like I'm hanging onto a string of hope that no one else sees.

For the first 2mths my H was gone he could barely look me in the eye, he was very very angry, the few times we talked he would say he was never happy, he didn't really loved me, and repainted history in the darkest colors (also part of depression) Not until the 7th month did he talked like he wanted back.
I know it looks hopeless but dont' give up, and true, no one else will see any hope and they'll tell you to forget it and move on, it is easy to say that when you are not in that position, you love him and you have a child together, they will never understand, so dont' listen to that negative talk, I didn't even tell my family because i know things would get worse and in anger (and love for me) they would tell me to forget him.

he still says he doesn't love me.

in order to leave you he had to tell himself he doesn't, he is putting behind him any feelings he had/has for you to be with ow, he needs to justify his actions, hon, dont'hold your breath, he won't say it anytime soon. Do not ask if he does nor expect him to say it.

I also married young and had my son at 22, we did want to get married and wanted children but not yet, so it was a strain on our M to have a child so soon, we didnt' even learn to live w/each other. I can see how your H is feeling no pressure now that he doesnt have to deal with household responsibilities, the freedom of doing/going whatever. It is a mirage but your H won't see it this way.
Keep DBing and GAL, no pressure, no questions, I think you have a right to ask him not to have him around ow but handle it with care, dont' make it WWIII, I think I'd be mad too if the ow would be around my kids.
I sure hope he is paying child support, dont' let him get away with not paying, I see that too often in this board, again, for legal reasons my H always made sure he paid me every cent and I made him pay me for whatever he owed me.

This is a long ride honey, I didn't think I'd survive longer than 3mths, but it lasted 8. We are together now, we have had big time crisis since he's been back, it is an uphill battle. Pray and stay strong and claim every day for you and for your son, you can make it, just like I did with my 2kids (and others here with more than 2kids!)