Living in MLC Misery Part 2

[KPK]

Wanted to bump this up (sorry) 'cause I'd really like to know:

Can I ask those of you who have kids how they took it when your spouse left? How did you tell them?

[short1]

My son is 18. He knew about the affair before I did. I found out, after my H left, from my son that he had overheard my H on the phone talking to OW and figured out what was going on 4 months before my H left. My son also knows the OW and has always disliked her. My son is very angry and refuses to have anything to do with my H other than polite conversation. In his mind what my H is doing is wrong and unacceptable. He has lost respect for his Dad, who before this he really looked up to. He sees his Dad as a fool.

My H is trying to buy his favor. My H does not get it at all.

[mishka422]

KPK -

I'm so sorry to hear the your H is still hovering at the door. I know what it feels like to wait for that other shoe to drop. Keep holding your head up and be strong for you and your kids.

My son is somewhat stoic about all of this but of course he's 13 with mild autism so I think his reactions are going to probably be totally different than most. 10 days after H dropped the bomb he had a talk with S13 and asked him what he would think about H moving out for a while to "be alone". S13 told him then that maybe it would be for the best for both of us. Sounds like H's words, not S13. When I asked S13 if that is how he really felt he said no but he didn't want to make his dad mad. He said he was really sad and it wouldn't be the same anymore if dad didn't live with us but couldn't elaborate on that.

The day H walked out he stopped in S13 room and told him he was moving out that day and then went on into the bedroom and started getting clothes from closet. He walked right in front of his son in the kitchen with armloads of clothes and didn't even see him. My son looked like a deer in the headlights. Until he saw that he wasn't convinced that his dad really meant it. Thankfully my cousin picked him up shortly after that and he didn't have to see H cart off the rest of his stuff (he still has a significant amount of CRAP here but I'm sure OW doesn't have room for it).

S13 seemed ok for a couple of days but he only talked to his dad a couple of minutes and saw him the day after he moved out for about 2 hours.

Last night was the first time I have seen S13 really cry hard over this. At 12:10a he received a text from H that said "Happy New Year Boy!!!" I asked him who the text was from and he started to cry and said, "I wished for my New Year's wish that dad would tell me Happy New Year and he did." I started crying right along with him. I was secretly wishing the same thing but not wanting it at the same time if you can understand that. Well, my wish came true at 12:15a. Text from H that said "Happy New Year!!!" It made me so mad that I almost threw the phone in the fireplace. Again, wanting and getting are two different things.

KPK - Just keep a close eye on your kids. They are so little and this will make a major impact on their lives especially if their dad has been extremely involved in their caregiving and play. If they start to exhibit signs of regression (i.e. - 3 year old is potty trained and starts having accidents all the time, 6 year old starts using baby talk or wetting bed) then immediately talk to your pediatrician. I am by no means an expert in ANYTHING but even the less obvious signs that these could mean that they are not dealing well.

Lots of hugs, kisses and time spent with them will help make this a little less traumatic. If I am out of the house more that 30 minutes at a time S13 calls me to find out where I am or see when I'll be home. I know it's his subconcious making sure that I am not leaving him too because he has never been like that and it nearly kills me.

Hugs and lots of love and support for the New Year. We'll all get through it together!

[sleeper]

Hi KPK,

Mine were 5 and 7 when W kicked me, then them out. When I voiced my concerns about affect on children she responded there would be no ill effect on children if we "handle it properly". I guess this was technically fog but I prefer to think of it as selfish BS on her part. She has put herself in the position of supreme judge of anything I say to kids and any negative affects upon them are my fault because it was not handled to her liking. Example; kids were upset because she was going sking with OM on the week she keeps them and they didn't know who they would stay with (we alternate weeks). Their distress was MY FAULT because she expected me to keep them for her even though she had not confirmed with me that I would keep them (she only assumed I would).

5 yr old took it on purely emotional level. I took them with me to look for apt., pick out furniture. It was like an adventure for him at first, but after a few weks the reality set in and one night he cried, "This isn't fun anymore, I want things back like they were, I want mommy."

7 yr old dealt with it more intellectually. She immediately concluded we were getting a divorce as she had no friends at school with seperated parents, but some whose parents were divorced. She compared our sitch with theirs and concluded we were getting a divorce since there was basically no difference in the two sitches as far as she was concerned (she is a smart cookie). She has shown amazing strength throughout this but has broken down a few times, usually prompted by her brother breaking down.

My C said tell them the truth when they ask questions, my W has chosen the path of untruths. When she and I disagree as to what to tell the kids she immediately rails at me acusing me of trying to "pit kids against her", "messing up the kids", "telling kids inappropriate things", etc. Dealing with her in respect to the kids has been one of the most difficult parts of this. She has very adamant ideas that "our parenting should not change just because we are seperated or divorced." She has some weird idea that she can pick and choose what parts of the marriage she wants to keep (family aspects when, how, and if she wants it) and parts she wants to dump (freedom to go, do whatever she wants whenever she wants). Counselor's descriptions of her actions are, "amazing" and "controlling."

I'm telling you these details because if your WAS has litle or no contact with you and kids it may be a blessing.

[KPK]

Thanks so much for the replies. My H is very calm, cool and convinced that he has to go and that "something good will come out of it", and he will find "fundamental happiness." BS. Good to know it's his "fundamental happiness" that counts. I will get through this, but my heart breaks every time I think about telling the kids (if it comes to that- who knows with these psycho MCLers).

Mishka- yes, H has been very involved with the kids, and D6 is daddy's little girl. She and S3 wait for him at the window to come home from work at night, then hide and surprise/ambush him. They're always excited to see him. I'm also aware of the possibility of regression, so we'll see. S3 is potty trained, so that could be his issue, but he also tends to think when things go wrong it's his fault (typical preschool behavior) so I don't want him to think daddy leaving is because he (S3) was a "bad boy". D6 is very sensitive, and I can see hysterics and depression. I know I'm thinking way ahead- just trying to prepare for the worst since I have no idea when H plans on going-yes, it's like waiting for the other shoe to drop. H seems to think he'll see the kids all the time and that it won't make any difference he's not living with them. I disagree. I'm a big hugger and snuggler anyway, so comforting them will be no problem for me. (Right now D6 is making a schedule of who gets to snuggle me when- they're always fighting over me. Currently, on her list, her brother has Mondays and she has Tuesdays.)

Hugs and love, and good luck.
Kelly

[KPK]

Hi Sleeper,

I think your W and my H are the same person. H also says that if handled properly the kids will have no problem, and that our parenting shouldn't change at all- he's out of his mind. I have also accused him of cherry-picking the parts of our marriage he wants- keeping the family part, my friendship, and ditching the parts he doesn't like so he can "have more passion in his life." He denies that's what he's doing. Amazing how these people think. D6 has been extra sensitive lately, (I think she's picked up on things around here, which H disagrees with of course), and H actually accused me of saying something to her about the situation that made her upset. As$. I said, sarcastically, "yeah, I told her that daddy doesn't love mommy anymore and he's leaving us." (which I didn't). My god- he's known me for 13 years- what kind of a mother does he think I am!!!

Thanks for all the details- it all helps and I'm filing it away. Will just have to play it as it comes.
Kelly

[sleeper]

"My god-he's known me for 13 years-what kind of a mother does he think I am!!!", KPK

Aye, there's the crux of the problem. There is NO thinking going on in MLC. It's a wonder they can feed themselves.

[KPK]

A little journalling and some questions.

I have to admit I've not been very good at DBing for the last 2 weeks, essentially since the e-mails to OW were found and H started to formulate his plan to leave. I know he said he was going to leave, but him coming up with the specifics is really killing me. I was doing pretty well until those e-mails. I've been pretty down, no GAL, no PMO. I've been trying, but it's hard, especially since he's now decided he'll wait for his bonus in March to put a deposit down, find a place in a town nearby to live, and has asked for the budget to start analyzing bills to see how much we can each afford to pay. All of this planning on his part means R talks and moving talks are coming up regularly as he asks questions, and it's making things so hard. He's still in the spare room. He's very intent on moving forward with this. It's like waiting for the other shoe to drop.

So, how would you all act at this point? I know I have to get back to GAL, but it makes me so sad to have to talk about this moving, budget, bills thing all the time. He's saying he'll always support us, and pay his portion of the bills and make sure we can always stay in the house. Should I get this all in a formal separation agreement?

Thanks.
Kelly

[KPK]

bump

[KPK]

I know one of the cardinal rules of DBing is no R talk, but how do I respond when my H is bringing up discussions every day about when he's leaving, planning, questioning the budget and how much money we can each afford to pay on the bills, when he'll see the kids, how much he still respects me, etc... I'm not doing well with my poker face- it's like getting hit again and again. Do I just try to act emotionless?