All Hope is lost/Help - Part 2

[Evie]

Happy New Year everyone.

Thank you my friends for your posts. I really needed something positive, as i'm down in the dumps today.

As from today i start a diary.

I read and will take heart of all your advice, right now I need to process the last 24 hrs through my head, because right now I feel a complete pr*t and my PMA is lacking.

First thing yesterday my SIL txted me to ask if H was coming up for New Year as H had said to her that he had discussed the evening with me and probably wouldn't be coming. H hadn't discussed the evening with me, he just confirmed I was going. I txt H to say we hadn't discussed the evening, he'd only confirmed that I was going and if he didn't have plans (which I had assumed he had)he was more than welcome to come. He replied that 'my face was complete shock, and said it all, and that it was a party which i had obviously discussed with SIL and he didn't want to socialise with family, and I wasn't interested in what he was doing on NY as i hadn't asked'. I replied that I hadnt asked b/c i assumed he had plans as he hated every minute of last NY with me so i didnt want to know what he was doing on NY, it wasn't a party, it was a meal for us and the kids.

I tried to call him at this point as things were getting out of hand. He ignored my calls, so for reasons I cant explain I got in the car and drove the 9 miles to his house!! He didn't look pleased to see me (he said later i had caught him unawares), I said I didn't know what I was doing there and he said he didn't either. I explained that it wasn't a party it was a family meal and we we mis commuincating again. He said he would be in bed by 9 pm with a meal for one and to go and enjoy my NY. At this point I knew I had over stepped my personal boundaries and feeling completely stupid I left.

I collected the boys, turned my phoned off and drove for 2 hours to BIL & SIL's.

When i turned my phone on later there was the usual barrage of missed calls and texts of H.

Jen - remember you said your H listened and absorbed every word you ever said only to be repeated weeks or months later, well H questioned a text i recently sent to him.

Remember the text i sent that said, 'If I could have my time over again, that I have learnt alot, and if i had my time again i would change many things, that I am to blame for the split'?

Well H asked me what I meant by those things?

I replied that now wasn't the time to explain and that i feel a complete pr*t about this morning and that from now on i'll be leaving him alone. He asked me why I had come over and that he never asked me to leave that I left of my own accord.

As H is absorbing every word I say, i need to reply very carefully to his text as i feel it could be an important text to send, i feel very on edge about wording it right??? Please help me here.

I feel completely overwhelmed by the intensity of all the communication over the last week. I feel that H was almost expecting me to be around on xmas day/my bday/Ny eve for him and he's surprised/shocked/disappointed that I have made plans of my own to do things without him????? I think he's having a harder time of this than me? If this is the case then maybe he also doesn't know where he stands, if he loves me or not, if he wants to come home or not.

He said I always assume everything is about me, he meant that when he said he didn't want to mix with family, it wasn't about me, as i HAD assumed it was b/c he hated last NY with me.

How can i not assume its about me?

Sorry if my ramblings don't make sense, they don't to me either!!!

Confused for now.

Love E X