Of course we get Guinness in the States. Criminy, we're not on the moon,ya know?
Unfortunately our bottled Guinness is brewed in Toronto these days instead of at St. James' Gate. If I wanted Canadian beer, I'd have paid for O'Keefe's, thank you very much.
A lot of what you write reminds me of the painful process of accepting that my ex-wife wasn't interested in being faithful to me. I never got around to telling her that she'd have to have years of therapy (I don't think she'd be ready for a relationship in six months), but I'm fairly sure that she's read my threads and I've posted it there more than once.
It's not so much being hard in your heart toward him as being firm about what you rightfully need for yourself. Sometimes we can think that if we need something that's a weakness in us. Or worse, we can judge ourselves as "needy" with all the negative connotations of that stereotype.
The truth is that humans have needs. There's nothing unnatural about that.
I caught my ex-wife in an affair in 2002. I got her to go to MC, but she wasn't going for the sake of the marriage or our family. Two years later she finally broke it off with that guy when he was fired from the market where she worked. She immediately started up with one of the crew remodeling our house for her mother to move in. A couple months later, that guy's wife showed up on the porch to confront her, in front of my then-nine-year-old daughter. It didn't bother her (my ex-wife) that much, because she'd already moved on to another guy. Her mother told me later that this was her "soulmate." He's engaged to someone else now.
At one point before she left, she told me that, years earlier, she had come on to her boss at work during his separation and divorce and he turned her down. Whether he did or not doesn't matter any more.
I know what it's like with the sex addict spouse. I know what it's like to realize that there might always be "more" that hasn't come to light yet. I also know that sometimes we get to commiserating with one another here and that's not the point of DBing. We're here to make ourselves better able to be full partners in a relationship, ideally in the marriage we wanted to save when we came here.
I have had doubts about filing and going through with the divorce. I have had bouts with the "what if?" kinds of questions. I'm getting better at seeing that the boundaries I had were not unreasonable, that the behaviors she showed in the marriage and in its demise are not healthy ones. But the decision to divorce or to continue "standing" is something each of us has to reach on our own, because when our heads hit the pillows at night, there isn't a bulletin board of people supporting us. We share our lives here, but we live them as individuals.
I don't envy you being where you're at right now. I do know that when you are sure in your heart what you want to do, then a lot of the anxiety will go away. Not all, at least I don't think so, but a lot. It takes time to see what you need to see, in yourself, in your spouse/ex-spouse, in healthy relationships.
If you're not comfortable with your Mum's Catholic traditions, then maybe something else will fill that need for you. The Church has been a source of comfort for me in this and in other tough times, but that's me. Whatever nurtures your connection to God/Higher Power is likely to help you now.
I'm in Maryland, about 65 k outside Washington, DC, where it's time for my head to hit the pillow for the first time in the New Year!
Thanks,
Joe
My sitch More importantly, Light A Million Candles
