Late this afternoon I was about to head out with our 2 S's to find something to eat and let the boys stretch their legs one last time before settling down this evening, when W called. W asked what we were planning for the rest of the day and inquired whether we'd be available for a brief visit. She then offered to bring supper, picking up some fast food for all of us along the way. At first W was deciding that since we were planning on going back out that she wouldn't come in that case, but I told her S3 had continually asked about her more and more as his time away from her increased. So we agreed it would be good for our S's.
W arrived and the boys were indeed happy to see her. We all ate and talked. W said her work schedule was so full that she needed to "ask" (read: tell) me if I would keep our S's one more evening -- which was not the original plan. But then W did warn me earlier that she had no idea how her work schedule would go for this 4-day holiday weekend. I have made it a habit of mine to always be ready to take my S's, even if it means altering my own plans. So I agreed -- with a twinge of reservation... and suspicion.
W left afterwards saying she had to visit the office for paperwork on some patients she is to visit early tomorrow.
Since she left it has been playing on my mind. I have resisted temptations to drive over to her office to see if she really went there -- I know that OM's apartment is on that side of town as well. If W is really still seeing OM, I cannot imagine her wanting to be away from her "soul-mate" on the one night she'd want to be kissed.
The boys stayed up with me until midnight -- they held up pretty well and then it was time for bed, at last. But both of them each stated they wanted their mommy. S3 wanted to go back down to the house to "sleep with Mommy"; S7 wanted his mother to be there so he could hug her goodnight and bring in the new year. They both then said they wanted to sleep back at the house tonight.
I was really tempted to take them up on their requests. But I knew that my ulterior motive was to check up on W, to see if she was really at home this late at night -- or celebrating with OM on New Year's, instead of what she said she was going to do.
I've called the house number several times -- no answer, just the answering machine. The boys seemed shattered at not being able to wish her a Happy New Year having managed to stay awake to do so.
I put the boys to bed, and I redialed several times for over an hour now. She's not there; she can't possibly be. She's not supposed to be on call either, by her own words.
But I know the answer, and yet part of me wants to know, to have irrefutable proof -- because, God knows, she's gonna' see that I have called and come up with all manner of excuses for why she wouldn't pick up the phone.
Heaven forbid something would be happening to one o the children while no one could reach her. Some mother.
I know I am supposed to detach -- but right now I can't help but obsess over this. I feel like I have to know, to be sure. She is the queen of denial though (just like her mother), there is nothing I can say to get her to acknowledge the truth of her actions. But the other part of me is cooler, and realizing I finally got two little boys off to sleep one more night here, when they were missing their mamma, I don't want to drag them out of their beds -- that would not be the nice, fatherly thing to do.
If I don't get my proof positive tonight, there may be other chances. And I keep thinking that calling the OM's W might be in order, although that can be a potential powder keg itself.
What to do? What to do? I don't think I can sleep.
