LT, Is it possible that he wants to see if you're still open to repairing the marriage?
Hmmm... not any more as late last week he said on the phone that "you have made it abundantly clear that we are not getting back together"
However, there was an element of hurt in that statement, and given our dynamic I believe that he wants unconditional love from me. However, unconditional love does not mean that you continually go out and screw around and beg for forgiveness afterwards. Now that I know all that has happened over the last year (and perhaps there's more that I don't know *shudder*) I can't see any period of time longer than about two weeks where he has really tried to repair things and regain my trust. It's now at a point where I don't want him to try and fix things, I want him to respect that I hurt and leave me be for now.
I suspect there's more that I don't know about and I don't want to know any more because all it is doing now is making me feel like a fool to have trusted/believed him and taken what he has said at face value when all along my gut was screaming "something's not right!!!!".
Fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice (or more) shame on me.
Sadly, my heart has hardened towards him. I don't like being hard, I never have been, but being soft and forgiving (read doormat) has not served me well as far as he is concerned. Hopefully this would not be the case with another man, so one day, I hope to find that person to share the rest of my life with in a healthy fashion where I can be myself and not feel ashamed of that.
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I won't say you're right or wrong. It's not my place to say one or the other. If you choose to set a boundary ("Dump the OP," "Don't call me," "I'm going to file for the D," whatever) and you stick to it, then I can say I've been there and I understand the process that got me there.
I am slowly getting better at setting boundaries, he just hasn't treated my boundary setting seriously so I have had to get blunter about setting them to the point where I sound vindictive.
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I just wonder if you stated clearly that you're open to restoring the marriage if he respects the perfectly reasonable expectation of fidelity, or if you stated clearly that you're done, would he respond respectfully?
I have tried to tell him that in order for us to get back together that he would have to be on his own and get therapy for at least 6 months to deal with his own cr@p. However, I have said that in heated discussions where we have both been upset so I don't know whether he has heard me properly. At this point however, I feel that saying something like that would be drawing out this process of pain and would not allow me to move on.
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Idle musings, and it's New Year's, so these idle musings are fueled by my second Guinness. None of this is easy, so take what you like and leave the rest.
Guinness?? Do they get Guinness in the States? Come to think of it, I don't think I know where you are.
I like Guinness but it's a three course meal so I rarely have it.
Ooo weeee....beer is kicking in...stay tuned for more spelling mistakes...
