I don't visit the newcomers much any more, and most of my friends over in mlc have moved to surviving. Things don't always end up the way we want. But I happened across your thread and saw so many things that could have come from my M many years ago when the kids were babies.
Let me share an observation. There are good and bad ways to communicate in a M. In the bedroom the communication almost takes on a whole new language and set of ground rules. If you don't both understand the language and the rules the same, everything just ends up creating snowballs of confusion and that leads to anger. Not initiating and not responding are just different ways of saying I don't understand, or I'm hurt and angry, etc.
Before you try to get him a book on foreplay, that he won't appreciate, have you read Mars and Venus? The first in this old series really does point out a lot of things men and women don't understand about daily communications. You would get a lot out of it. The second book I would ask you to read is MarsVenusInTheBedroom.
It makes references to things that you would not completely appreciate if you had not just read the first book. Then it deals with how mismatched communications in the bedroom are acted out in ways that hurt the M. It is not a book about foreplay, but it will give you some ideas of how to steer him your way. For example, how do you think he would react if you told him you were heading to bed early and it would be ok if he wanted to watch tv a while. However, you would probably just start without him and if he wasn't too late, you'd probably be ready. You will have his undivided attention.
After a little success you might mention the first book to him and refer to some of the humorous examples it uses to illustrate men and women hearing the same words two different ways. Point out that this got you interested in reading the next book about the bedroom but he must read them and discuss them, in order. Tell him you would be interested in him highlighting or underlining the things in each book that he thinks might have been contributing to trouble in the M. You should still have his attention.
The third book in order is TheFiveLoveLanguages. If the two of you don't understand the concepts in this one yet, it will be a real eye opener. These books should be required reading before someone can get a license to M. It takes more work to get a driver's license than to wed and parent. Paleeeeez!!!!
I am 53 and have had my life turned upside down. My Xw of a 25 yr M is 49, turning 17 forever. Our sons are 20 and 22. The Div certainly damaged them both, even at that age. Dreams have been shattered.
Things you two struggle to resolve early in your M will never leave and will become larger than life later. If you already know everything in these books, good, and I apologize for preaching. But if you haven't read them, please do. I gave a copy to a troubled couple across the street and when they finally got into MC, the first thing the counselor suggested was that they each read and mark up a copy to share with the other. I also gave them a set of Michele's LKA CDs. They are healing their M.
Good Luck to you both. I hope that you will both enjoy a Happy New Year.
