Oh My Gosh! There's HOPE!

[Jen1967]

I did a very non-DB thing. Let me backtrack. I had recently shaken up his world by making him take the kids this past weekend, and told him he wouldn't see them next weekend. This was after a dinner (Thursday, Dec 27) where he admitted to A and said he wanted D. (See my thread "Did I screw up?")

It took me days to figure out why he would tell me about OW but still want D. I'm sure L wouldn't have advised him of this.

I read a part of "Torn Asunder" last night until 12:30 am. The part that struck me was where it said the cycle of an affair will hit a destabilization phase where they binge on each other, then back off and feel remorse and try to back off. It goes like this for a while. It said it is in the phase after one of the binges that the WAS may tell LBS he is in fact having an A. It said that it is at this time an intervention is possible.

I thought through this. I think I've shown him a lot of positive changes in past couple of months, he knows that. he's just been afraid of if the changes can stick. So i knew my timing was good to push him away and make him miss me. The admission happened, then he took the kids for the weekend. In other words, this big culmination of stuff that took us to a crucial crossroads. After all of this knowledge, I prayed last night and then slept on it.

When I woke up I had clarity. It finally hit me what the dinner and admission to the A was: It was an SOS. My H was asking for me to be more firm now. Not the doting, accepting, nonargumentative W. I took a huge risk. it was time. He called this morning to talk about a bill. It was just an excuse. I knew he was worried.

I said, "What are you doing tonight?" He said, "I don't know." I said, "You're not doing anything for New Year's Eve?" He said, "Uh...Yes. I'm going out (with her)." I sat silent. He finally goes, "What?.." I go, "That shouldn't be happening anymore." He goes "Why not?? You are enforcing the custody agreement!" I go, "That's not because I want a divorce. That's because you can't have your cake and eat it too. It's time to end it with her. Enough is enough. I have held this in to allow you peace, no fighting, no critical comments, but enough is enough. You will not be happy without your family. I will bend over backwards for you." (I did not sound sad, whiny, begging. I sounded matter-of-fact and very in control. last ditch effort.) I said, "I think your dinner was an SOS. I will pull you a@@ out of your situation. You need someone to yank you out? I'll do it." I said a lot more and was very firm. I know I sounded like 'it's this or i'm gone'. i didn't say that, but it was implied. after some going back and forth he softened and said he wants me to set up a counselor!!!!!!! he asked what we need to do to move forward. he said he'd get rid of her. He said he's been reading the Dr. Phil book and will bring me a list of his needs when I see him on Wednesday!

Oh my Gosh!!!!!!! I reacted very calmly but OH MY GOSH!!!!! Prayer works. Prayer works. Thank you God!!! I know he could reneg but this is the most positive thing I've heard yet.

[Jen1967]

Another thing the book said was that the cheating spouse needs to see that you are angry, in a controlled way, to know you care. I know, it's not DB. But it says at some point they will hint to you they want to see you care.

[LL44]

Oh Jen, that is fabulous. Take it slow, but listen to his needs as well. And yes, there are some points of DB that we have to alter/leave out to make it successful for us. I will be thinking of you!

[kaycie]

Oh that sounds so good, I am glad it worked out that way for you and I can understand the logic from what you read in the other book. I also agree with teh previous poster you have to DB and tailor it to you own sitch.