3 Days separated now.. I'm so wanting to ask her to spend new years eve with me. No expectations. Just kinda hang out on the couch and watch the ball drop. I won't ask to stay. Just put the kids in bed and hang out for a few.
Several people have told me "Don't Even Bring It Up"!! If She wants you there, she'll ask.Go do your OWN thing!!..
I'm just dying here.. How do you come accross as not desperate and needy when every ounce of you is desperate and needy? At least JUST for the company of My W on new years eve..
Take the advice... unplug the phone, put in a DVD and relax. Yes, I know it's impossible.
Got separated on 9/29 and heading for divorce.
My advice to you... (learn from some of my mistakes)
1. GIVE her an incredible amount of space. 2. No R talk 3. Let her initiate almost all contact 4. Ask for nothing. 5. The more you push the more they run
It sucks. I know. I just finished one DVD and I am on to the next. I was invited out, but I am not sure if I am up to going. Take the above advice. It is hard as hell. If it helps, I went through this same BS when I was dating my husband. He pulled this leaving crap after we were many years into dating. Long story short I remember I spent New Years eve alone. I did not call him and I vowed that the start of the next year would be better and I would not chase after him. I would allow myself time to heal and be alone and embrace the pain because as we all know the pain eventually lessens although it does not feel that way now. Anyway, this plan worked. I gave him about a year of space though he was ready to come back after about 6 months. Now if I had known it was going to be a pattern and I was going to have to face this crap 8 years later in marriage I would have told him to stay gone. My point is that time really is the best thing. One of two things will happen- the more time you give them (without any r talk or pressure) the more likely they to miss you and want to come back the other thing that could happen is that enough time will go by and you may decide that you don't want them back. Either way, it seems like it will work out in your favor. Trust me on this because I know. So for now, hunker down, catch up on some alone time, do stuff that you may have been putting off and back off. Make 2008 the year for you. Hopefully, I can take my own advice.
Whew, three days separated at this time of year! How the heck did you guys come up with this as THE time for separation? It's gotta be heartwrenching for all involved, especially the kids. So you seek advice, here's mine: Firstly, follow what my previous posters have told you. I know it seems impossible to back off but you must! I have been separated for two months now and I backed off big time, I was pleasant and co-operative around the kids, the lawyers etc but I did not call to check on her, I did not offer unwanted advice on how to run her home, I did not call to chat, I did not initiate any kinds of times together. In two months we came together as a family twice, at her request. Now it's Christmas and she has issued me so many invitations it's making my head spin. She says "I want us to stay family", OK I declined dinner at her place tonight saying "I'm sorry I've made other plans" but I did say I'd drop by to bring in the New Year with her and the kids. Last night we went with my parents downtown to look at the Christmas lights and have dinner together, again at W's invitation. So, does this mean anything in my sitch? Maybe or maybe not, but I have left things to W and she obviously feels she's been given enough space. I don't dare claim this to be the beginning of a big turnaround in my sitch but it is something, so wait yours out here, take care of you and your kids that's the way to go right now. I know us guys always want to "do something" to make things happen but sometimes doing nothing is the doing something that needs to be done, if that makes any sense! Happy New Year, newbie!
Yup, good advice. DO NOT CONTACT YOUR SPOUSE!!! If I could, I'd come over there and sit on you myself.
H and I separated two months ago, and the holidays are hell. But please, do not contact your spouse, just do what you can to get through this evening.
That's what I have been doing. I let Christmas pass without a peep, and I am doing the same tonight. I fact, H probably believes I have plans of my own, but I am going to pour a glass of Asti, watch some DVD's that don't remind me of H, and I will be OK.
So will you. Please hang in there and know that there are real peeps on this site who care and can help. I know it's hell, but you will come out the other side.
Wow, listen to me after just two months!! LOL!!
Happy New Year, and thanks to all of you here for the support. I t helps so much to know that we are not alone.
Oh Goodness if only I had read this thread this morning maybe I wouldn't have called H. I hadn't called since Christmas and he has been the one initiating contact. but I didn't hear from him all day yesterday that is VERY rare, so I called this morning just to check up on him and he told me he was out of town, which hurt my feelings and I know my tone of voice showed that I was upset. I just called his mom when we got off the phone and cried my heart out to her... atleast I didn't do it to him.
as for tonight.. I am home alone with my 4 kids, a bottle of wine and for back-up I have some other stuff, so if I have to get so plastered that I cannot even dial the phone I will do that and let him enjoy his out of town!
me:29, H 33 Bomb- 11/06/2006 I came home from work to find that he had moved out into an apartment. next day he says he wants to work on our marriage but will not return until he feels right. kids-4 m-10 years T- 13 years another Bomb-Sept '07 OW confirmed...
Whell I messenger'd her yesterday afternoon. she said come bye and take the kids out for dinner yourself. I asked if I she wanted to just hang out at midnight and then I would leave. She started this "I can't win" "I feel presured" So I backed right off {I know, Shouldn't have gone there but..}I She said I can't commit right now. Fine fair enough. Took the kids out to dinner. came home and did bathtime, bedtime and I left. Not a word said. Went to my cellar condo and layed down. Woke up at 12:45 and it was over. Whoopie dooo. No messages, no Nothing. I guess I got my answer. First time in 13 years w/out her on new years.{Sucks}
So now I'm back here {home} she's in bed w/ cramps. Seems like She is getting all the benefits of a husband w/out the relationship? I'm here every morning after my 6:00 am AA meeting. help out w/ dinner/ bedtime and then I leave. Basicly I just don't sleep here. Just trying to be as helpfull as possible. not open my mouth. And seem happy?{no pouting} Someone said Men allways try to "do" something and thats me to a Tee.. Now add in my alchohloism, terrible fear of abandonment and all the other fears and insecurities a life of alchohol does for your personality and thats where I'm at. I constantly think I have to "FIX" everthng and everyone.
Mike- It won't take long to figure out that when 6 people here say exactly the same thing, they are probably right!
This is one case where the Fix-it gene won't help at all!
I've thought for a long time that New Years was a set up for disappointment. It IS just another day! If there is something important enough to do, to make a resolution for, it is important enough to do on June 24th, or September 6th, there is no reason to wait for New Years!
I agree. Plus, it's all wrapped up with hope, renewal, and all that other happy horsesh*t. So I just try to think about it as any other day.
However, I am not totally cool. About an hour ago, I did text my H a picture of our dog along with a "Happy New Year". He texted back "Thanks". Whoop-dee-do indeed. LOL!!
I declined dinner at her place tonight saying "I'm sorry I've made other plans" but I did say I'd drop by to bring in the New Year with her and the kids. Last night we went with my parents downtown to look at the Christmas lights and have dinner together, again at W's invitation. So, does this mean anything in my sitch? Maybe or maybe not, but I have left things to W and she obviously feels she's been given enough space. I don't dare claim this to be the beginning of a big turnaround in my sitch but it is something, so wait yours out here, take care of you and your kids that's the way to go right now. I know us guys always want to "do something" to make things happen but sometimes doing nothing is the doing something that needs to be done, if that makes any sense! 