Starting to get it...

[ann25]

anyone have advice on how i should respond to H when he's feeling really low w/out lying or sugar coating everything? or maybe i should be sugarcoating it now... i dunno...

i got home last night and H was in a terrible mood. I asked him why and he said that mentally, he had a bad day. that means he has been thinking about EA and OM alot, probably more than normal because his mood was especially bad. I asked him if he wanted to talk about it and he shook his head no. he wasn't going to talk to me at all aparently. It was so bad that when we got to my sister's house (present opening w/ my fam) she said hi mr. grumpy. The mess w/ each other all the time, but not only did he not think it was funny he assumed i called her and told her that he was in a bad mood. I was with him all night except about 5 minutes when i ran into the grocery store and he firgured i called her while i was in there. I just told him no, that his mood was obvious even to someone just seeing you for a few seconds. The night went ok. plenty of distractions. When we left, i thanked him for letting us go and spend time w/ my family. He normally always tries to find a way out of it. He said that it obviously makes me happy to spend time with them, so it's fine.

The night progresses and everything seems fine. I'm super tired, so i asked him when he was planning on going to bed, he said not for a while, so I told him i was just going to sleep on the couch beside him, if he could wake me when he goes to bed so i can go with him. he said sure... about 10 min later here's what he says...

H: are you sure that you are telling me everything? are you hiding anything from me?
M: I'm telling you everything. I'm not hiding anything. Is everything ok? Do you want to talk?
H: i was going through the songs (he was loading his ipod) and i saw one in spanish and it really got to me, i started thinking that you deserve someone smarter and that I'm holding you back.
(OM was hispanic. he spoke spanish, i had been learning spanish before i met him. when H went through all the emails, some were in spanish. He now assumes that i need someone more intelligent and "worldly" as he calls it)
M: You aren't holding me back. That was a mistake i made. I'm exactly where i want to be. Right here, with you and the girls is exactly where i want to be and want to stay.
H: Are you happy with me. Are you sure. Nothing is wrong.
(here is where i struggle. Am i happy with the way things are? NO. Do i want to tell him that while he is thinking this way and so down on himself? NO)
M: I love you. I'm happy that we are M and I don't ever want to lose that.
H: ok.

That seemed to be ok for him. He went and got me a blanket and i slept while he finished what he was doing on the computer. I just feel like sometimes I'm sugar coating things to help him, but what's really going to get resolved if i keep doing that. I don't want him thinking that there is anything wrong with him. I don't want to lie, so i find answers that kinda answer his question. Eventually we have to be able to talk and discuss what needs to happen in our R, but I don't feel like I can without him taking it as a personal attack. I think it went ok. He seemed ok this morning.

I just wish there was a way that i could explain to him that i'm not happy, but i want us to get back on track and that it's going to take a lot of work on both our parts. that i want us both to be happy. That i want our M to be stronger than ever, but I have a hard time tiptoeing around him all the time. I probably just need to be patient.

[NikB]

With the caveat that I have this book but haven't read it yet... I wonder if it might have some useful info for you?
How to Improve Your Marriage Without Talking About It

It has some really good reviews from both "regular" people and counselors... and in fact, I just noticed it has a pretty glowing endorsement from DB's very own Michele Weiner-Davis.

I may start this one this weekend...

[ann25]

NikB. Sounds great. Thanks so much! I'll run by the bookstore today at lunch and see if they have it, otherwise i'll order it from amazon!!

[ann25]

more of the same this weekend. I kinda feel like no matter what i say or do, i'm going to be wrong. I'm just trying to be sensitive to him w/out letting myself feel like I've just been walked all over.

I have a habit of doing everything for him. I don't mind sometimes. I think that i got so used to feeling like I 'had to' before that it just stuck with me. I'd rather try to make him happy than feel guilty for not doing something. I am a terrible people pleaser and I normally just want everyone to like me. i've found tho, that the more i like myself, the less i care what everyone else thinks. anyways... i'm not going to keep doing everything and I'm not going to feel guilty anymore for not feeling like doing it all. He's a big boy and he has working arms and legs... hehe..

Found out something last night that really hurt. H and I were talking about babies, how many we'd eventually like and whatnot... (me 5, him 3) Anyways. I have to have a c-section again w/ this pregnancy and he was saying that after i have the baby i should get that thing done, so we don't have to worry about birth control. I asked him if he meant getting my tubes tied (cause there is no way, we both know that) and he said no that little copper thing you used to talk about. (an IUD) I asked him if he was sure cause about 10-12 months ago, i asked him about it and he said no, that he thought it was a bad idea. He said that he only said that cause he figured i was cheating on him and i just wanted a way to not get pregnant. That he didn't want me having that security in my A. I started crying. He says, "oh god, what now" okay.... maybe it's just the hormones or something, but that hurt. I know what i did and i know he used to accuse me of just about everything, but i always kinda thought that was more just his insecurity than him acutally thinking i was having an A. Nope, guess not. He was talking like it was fact. Like i was out running around. Guess all those times he called me a whore and whatever, he really meant it. I just told him that it's hard to realize he always thought that way about me. He said, yeah, well, that was then. The night went ok, but i can't stop thinking about that. I wonder how long he thought that and why... So anyways... my PMA is pretty much shot today. I'm sure i'll have a better day, but right now I just keep thinking about it...

[ann25]

don't know what my problem is, but i can't get out of this funk i'm in today. H has the day off and I'm worried. when he has extra time on his hands he normally starts thinking. Thinking is bad... I just talked to him and he had some bad dreams last night (this is code for dreamt about me leaving him in a variety of ways.) He's still sick (because he refuses to take medicine or see a Dr.) and slept in this morning, so when he woke up from these dreams i wasn't there, that's bad too. I was already having a bad morning, but now I'm worried about how he'll be when i get home...

I just wish this was all a bad dream that i could wake up from...

[grdn24grl]

I think we all wish our sitch was a bad dream that we and our spouse will wake up from. Just wanted to check in on how you were doing. I hope you feel better. Just think in a couple hours it will be a new year with new beginnings and new adventures instore. Hope you have a Happy New Year!

[dh4320]

Anne,

Hi well i am going to give you an internet slap now. Your husband sounds like a baby... sorry to come across harsh anne but look what his actions are doing to your day, its manipulative and childish the way he acts. When i am sick put me on as much as the pharmacy call fill in an hour, remember when we were kids and you laid in bed sick from school and acted like you were 5 - 10 years younger to get that sympathy from mommy? looks familiar to me sorry to be so harsh but dammit its a new year tomorrow and i am trying to lift you up a bit, you are not causing this in him, he is making you believe its your fault

[ann25]

GG - i think it's been a while since i've caught up on your sitch. I'll head over there... thanks for checking on me

here's to a new year with new wonderful happy days ahead!

[Atlas]

Ann,

I'm so sorry about the comment. (((Ann))). Don't let it get to you, like I said before, your husband is young and inmature for a man. Doesn't mean he isn't one, but he wears his heart on his sleeve, and he still hasn't figured out the EA was you not him. So his ego is smashed and he is hurt. Try and lift him up, I know that is tough when he acts like such a child. A man ties so much of his emotional connection to his S with sex, that anything you did in the past he is connecting that to the A. I know I do that. About 6 months prior to W leaving, we were having what only I can describe as everything I ever wanted sexually. So now of course I think the new things she was going she doing somewhere else as well. It is sad, but we are really pretty simple. But don't let his downer get you down.

As for the PMA, he is going to react to your attitude and you to his. So if you can already plan that he is going to be grumpy today, and your not going to let it effect you, but rather your going to act "as if," be happy and toast the new year. Eventually, he has to smile and have fun with it. No one likes to sit in their pity party alone. So don't join his pity party, have your own fun, and eventually he will have to shed the boo hoo for me attitude.

[ann25]

DH...

i needed a slap today. Either knock me out of this funk i'm in or just knock me out all together. I appreciate you posting. It is almost a new year and it will be good!! thanks for the lift.. i need that today! i don't have many bad days, but the bad ones seem amplified by the pregnancy.

i get the manipulative childish thing. I deal with this on a regular basis. I think towards the begining of this thread (or my last one) heim said that he was acting like a little boy. He does. That's why i struggle so much with being supportive and reassuring when he's being down because a lot of the time it feels like he is trying to manipulate this sitch. I don't mean to take away from his feelings, it's just that i can't tell the dif between 'i'm really feeling insecure' and 'i'm going to rub this in your face til it makes me feel better and you feel guiltier'.

I remember that "mooommmmmyyyy, my tummy hurts" hehe... You are sick, if you don't want to do anything about it, then you just get to suffer through it. Did you ask to be sick, is it your fault, no, but deal with it.

I guess i just can't get over the fact that for over a year, he really honestly thought i was cheating. That he thought it would be better if i got pregnant and got caught (he said that) than got on a diff birth control. I know he said that was then, but i still feel like he feels that way sometimes. Then i just go out and prove him right... maybe that's what's bothering me the most. i know i probably should let it get to me like this, but dammit it sucks.