Flipping the tortilla

[Laurie]

Dear Tostada,
I want for you to read these words you've written:

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maybe the "you don't get it" is provoking her behavior to "proove" it to me? and do so with mean behavior? so do I act detached like I get it? but I don't get it and don't want to.

IF your "I don't get it" behavior is possibly provoking her to be meaner and more adamant, what relationship goals are you making progress on by continuing the "don't get it" behavior? In other words, it sounds like it's pushing you toward D and doing nothing positive to keep your M together.

My heart goes out to you at this very, very crucial time, but I am concerned that your feelings about "I don't get it and don't want to" are strongly working against your marriage.

I am only guessing, but am thinking that your W is extremely aware that you don't believe her, that you think the OM is really the main issue, and/or if she is nice to you, you will point out that she must have SOME feelings for you or she wouldn't cuddle with you in bed. Again, I am only guessing...

If I am somewhat close, then your disbelief about her M stance more likely communicates to her that her feelings are not important to you - therefore she is not important to you. Only your feelings are and what you want is (from her perspective).

So, it is as if she is screaming it from the mountain tops to get you to hear her, believe her, and validate her. And, the longer you choose to not believe her, the more you could be convincing her that you won't be capable of ever hearing her - therefore, that justifies D in her mind even more so.

Tostada, Do you want to start nurturing this M with hope (from her point of view)? I strongly, strongly encourage you to really try to understand your W's feelings. The sooner you try, the more hope you offer for your M. Remember, you do not have to agree with her, but it is so important to sympathize and attempt to understand. Then, you will be telling her that SHE is important to you, as I believe you've been trying to communicate all of this time.

Your heart is so passionate to save this marriage, that is so amazing! Hold on to your passion and let's just adjust your approach to her to give her hope that you could truly be sensitive to her and care for her. I believe you can focus on that, Tostada!