My H, still at home, but more and more certain everyday he's moving, has now told me he has no problem if I date. He's totally calm and cool about it, not at all bothered. This can't be good, can it?
He is just trying to give himself permission by giving you permission. At some level, he feels guilty. It isn't good, it probably isn't bad. It probably has much less meaning to him than to you, right now.
told me he has no problem if I date... calm and cool about it, not at all bothered
These two items would seem compatible to me.
Quote:
This can't be good, can it?
KPK, it isn't a matter of good or not good, it is a matter of what you make out of the situation. If he does leave, you can make it good or not good. Isn't that is what life is about.
If he's in mlc this may change, if he's a WAS it probably won't in MHO.
If he changes it could mean he's moving through the stages and I believe confirm mlc. At first mine didn't care if I dated anyone. Few months later became jealous and even said she would punch anyone who dated me in the face (anger stage in full bloom). Of late she wants me to date because she feels guilty (didn't care a flip about who she hurt, no guilt in the beginning). Counselor believes guilt is a good sign, not because it's a reason to return to the marriage but it indicates she is returning to her old self.
I've read WAS are done and often file for divorce immediately after leaving.
Last edited by sleeper; 12/31/0706:42 PM.
"Fear is the mind-killer" Muad'Dib Me 53, XW 44, DD 14, DS 12 Bomb and OM 12/15/06 Separated 01/02/07 Divorced 05/13/08 X married OM(OMH) 08/2009 Married 06/09/13
dry_heat: you're probably right, I'm sure it means nothing to him right now.
inmyplace: Turns out H doesn't know when he's going now (he says finances are the issue), just that he plans to, so I changed my signature line. My concern over good or not was just the way he seemed so cavalier about it- no jealousy at all. And yes, I'll just have to make it into what I want it to be.
Sleeper: Half the time I think its MLC, the other half I'm not so sure. What distinguishes an MLCer from a WAS? The whole thing started off slowly, with distancing over the last year or 2 (said it was work stress), then the ILYBNILWY, then the extensive list of my faults and how I brought this all about, anger about issues he thought I should have adressed (mainly sexual) and how I made him feel about himself, how he has lost feelings for me/not attracted to me anymore and can't get them back, then he said he's not the person he use to be and wants to live a passionate life, and now he's at the calm "I'm leaving" stage so he can find "fundamental happiness" and has no problem with me dating. Aaaghhhh! it's all so confusing.
Suppose I should actually wait for him to leave to start the dating thing. And if files right away guess I'll put him in the WAS catagory.
Me 39 H 45 T13 M11 D6.5 S4 ILYBNILWY July 07 OW e-mails found 12/15/07 H moved out 3/15/08
My H, still at home, but more and more certain everyday he's moving, has now told me he has no problem if I date. He's totally calm and cool about it, not at all bothered. This can't be good, can it?
He is trying to ease the guilt. I remember when this mess started my H said if I were to tell him I found someone I fell in love with other than him, he would let me go.
Go by their actions, not so much by their words. They don't even remember the half of what they say, especially in the beginning of this mess.
The Bomb: 08/05 H moves out: 06/2006 H moves back: 01/07 & Out again: 01/07 H moves back: 03/08 & Out again: 04/08 H moves back: 05/09 & Out again: 07/09 Divorced 08-12 Kids: 22, 20, 19
I'm no expert in mlc, just getting unwanted on the job training.
Go to the mlc archives and read "6 stages of mlc". Good news is the response to both WAS and MLC is the same; work on you and get a life. Either way you have no control over what they do or how this turns out. It does help to feel like you know what is happening, though.
All that said, your H made a few of the same comments my W and many others made:
ILYBINILTY
Extreme anger
No feelings left
Can't get them back
You should have seen problems/changed earlier
Not who they used to be (mine said we're now different people)
Leaving to find happiness (find out who she is in my sitch)
Passionate life (mine said wants to live with passion)
Only you can decide what you want to do, KPK. Ourselves is the only thing we have any control over. Good luck!
Last edited by sleeper; 12/31/0708:51 PM.
"Fear is the mind-killer" Muad'Dib Me 53, XW 44, DD 14, DS 12 Bomb and OM 12/15/06 Separated 01/02/07 Divorced 05/13/08 X married OM(OMH) 08/2009 Married 06/09/13
