Haven't read it myself, but I've seen it discussed all over these boards. I should have read it...might have saved me some time in psychotherapy.
Originally Posted By: jarhead
I absolutely have issues with setting healthy boundaries. I don't want to rock the boat. I know certain things are wrong, but I don't want to upset the balance.
That is the hardest part for us "nice guys." We think that saying no is being unkind. Takers love us because we want everyone to be happy...and they use that to their advantage. Setting boundaries and sticking to them in an established relationship is even harder because the other party remembers the way things used to be and pulls out all the stops to get back there.
Originally Posted By: jarhead
I want to find that happy middle ground.. to be able to be a person who can set boundaries and have them be respected. I overthink things most of the time.. I try to think of action/reaction. They do this.. if I do this, then they'll just do this.. or I have no action to back this up.
I think the book will help you with this. One thing I have found is that some people always push the boundaries, trying to erode them. "Nice" guys have to be careful with these folks because we really want to accomodate people and make them happy.
Originally Posted By: jarhead
I think the latter is my biggest issue. Example.. I don't want OM sleeping over at W's place while the D's are there. Problem.. I have no action to back that request. She will lie, cheat and steal to accomplish it and I have no recourse.
You've gotta pick your battles. I don't think this is one that you can win. You might get somewhere focusing on their behavior in the presence of your Ds.
Originally Posted By: jarhead
The other issue I have is.. I'm either nice, or I'm not. There is no in-between. I've tried treating her as a "stranger", but I don't like strangers.. maybe it's the Jarhead thing, but I ALWAYS analyze situations first!
It's good to analyze situations first--that way you get to choose the battles you want to fight. I think you'll find as you go through this process that focusing on you and your Ds is not the same as being unkind. You can be kind and sympathetic while still having boundaries--even with people you love very much.
I am truly sorry this is causing you so much pain.
