Ya I'm ok. Just doing a lot of soul searching right now and trying to come up with some answers.
I'm just having a really hard time letting go, the heart wants to go one way but the head another. I have pulled way back from W, and she is pursuing but I won't let her in my life right now.
I was wondering how things are going as well. I think, my two cents here, you are on the best path. Stick with your plan and see it through, bulldozer and all. I know your heart and your head are conflicted, but a convergence is imminent. You are in a good space right now so enjoy your advantage and leverage it.
Best,
--Chris
Me: 40 She: 31 S: 5 D: 3 Married: 8 years (05 DEC 99) Blow-up: 02 JUN 07 Piecing (More like Ostriching): 22 FEB 08
Not really sure what I should be doing now. W keeps making baby steps and moving closer, even when I'm pulling away. She doesn't push, but without an answer or commitment from her I don't know what to do.
It didn't help that when I was going through this anger this week, I had to confront some financial issues. I was able to handle everything but it makes me really upset with her, that she doesn't acknowledge it or something. But what can I expect. I don't tell her how bad it really is, and she doesn't know. In fact tonight she asked if I could pitch in to buy some pull up pants for the S for potty training, and I said sorry I couldn't, I had to figure out how to pay January's mortgage. She asked if I needed help, and I declined. Nice gesture on her part, but also she is tied to it, so who knows.
I called about half an hour prior to picking up S tonight and asked if she could have him ready. She said no problem. When I arrived, nothing had been done. Reason is she wants me to be around. She tried to get me to smoke with her, but I said I was in a hurry and needed to run. She stalled all she could. She gets all done up each time I stop by, I could tell she just got done doing hair and makeup for my arrival. She was wearing the necklace I got her for x-mas and anniversary. That is a couple of times now. Hmmm???
I was pretty quite and she didn't push. Told me her plans, and I was pretty indifferent. Really in may cave right now just thinking. She is being so nice, and I get none of it. I know she wants me there so she has her back up net, but then again I think W isn't like that, but that is old W, new W, had an A, left me financially screwed, clubs all the time, etc. In all actuallity I have watched the clubbing starting to slow down as well. It's almost like I'm requesting a semi to stop at 80 in the next 5 feet, and she is showing me the reality that it takes a lot of distance to stop.
The crapy part is as things seem to be getting better with W and I my family is losing patience with me. They think I have lost it. I'm starting to lose connections with people I love, and for what? Not really sure. They all still love W very much, but say this is crazy and it's time to move on, etc.
Well it will still take time to get the settlement agreement written and then presented to her. So I guess I keep watching and listening. Then even when I deliver it, she may not sign it, who knows. I think I need to realize that time is still on my side, and maybe the awakening will happen.
I did get asked out by my potential date for this weekend, but I had my S. Which is good because after some real thinking on this, I'm not ready, and it would be a disaster I'm sure. No reason to ruin someone elses night or feel like crap the whole time. I really think it will take me some major time there if it goes that way.
New this week, while I haven't started my quit smoking program, I am back on the bike (with the trainer). Sucks to just sit there in front of the TV on it, wish I was outside, but too much snow and ice. Keep that up and I'll be ready to lift again when the shoulder feels better. Fitness has always been important for me and it has gone out the window lately, so I need to do that to feel better. It really does help.
Atlas, I'm not feeling all full of wisdom recently, so I'll try to keep this brief.
Family/friends who you are losing connection with because THEY think it's time for YOU to move on? Eff them. This is your life. True friends are supportive of you and what you want to do. You work on your timetable, not theirs.
Your anger is justified at your W's A and the way she treated you. To be blunt: she shat all over you. It also sounds like she wants back in. Don't let your anger get in the way of what you really want if what you really want is your W back. It's scary to open back up to this woman who hurt you so much. If that's what you want, though, you're going to have to do so at some point. If you really want her, maybe start letting your guard down a little, you're going to have to at some point anyway.
Good decision on not going on the date. You're ready on your own timetable -- however short or long it may be. You'll know when it feels ok for you.
BD
My latest
Me: 36 W: 35 2 D: 9 and 5 T: 16 years M: 12 10/4/06: Bomb 10/5/06: Ended A 4/22/07: ILYBNILWY
Really feeling down and unsupported right now. It's pretty much the whole family and all friends, but the one friend with kids, funny how having kids give that diffrent perspective.
Don't feel too down, my friend. Things will get better at some point, they always do. Like Heim says, true friends will support you no matter what. I have noticed, in my case, that my family does not want to see me and the kids hurt. They think staying with my W is a train wreck. I know that they mean well, but they also know that my goal is to get my W and family back.
BTW, you always have support here. Who better than those of us facing similar trials?
Best, --Chris
Me: 40 She: 31 S: 5 D: 3 Married: 8 years (05 DEC 99) Blow-up: 02 JUN 07 Piecing (More like Ostriching): 22 FEB 08
Well it's been a strange few days to say the least. It appears my parents had talked and decided to, on their own fronts each, to push me to move on. Well my father isn't so tactiful to say the least. When discussing something was said by me in the car, he got really upset and said some things about my W. I got really upset and we had a little yelling match, which isn't all that uncommon for two German descendants.
The next day I asked if I could speak with him. I told him I was going to ask him some tough questions so he could see where I was coming from. His parents, never D'ed, no D's in his family and him and mother have been together for almost 35 years. So this is all very new to him, mother is almost the same with only one sister D'ed and remarried a great guy. So I asked him, what if he found out that Mom was having an A, what would he do. He did say, that he was surprised at my patients and figured by this time, I would have at least punched someones lights out, been arrested or gotten a DUI. We talked and he agreed, he would fight. He said he is amazed at my patience, not something I or anyone in my family is known for. So I have some understanding back with family.
W continues to do what she can to keep me around at drop off's. I keep it cool, and don't bring up the R. She makes sure to tell me that she is going to C'ing, but no appointment yet. She tells me her plans, who she is hanging out with, and I just say it sounds like fun. I don't tell her much about my life and leave it at that. But she gets all dressed up and looks great.
S is not very nice to her in front of me. He kicks and screams the whole time when I drop him off to her. Don't leave, I go with you, no to mommy. Won't go near her, holds my leg, really sad to watch.
I've also begun to feel like a WAS myself. In the sense that I am not rewriting our R, but I am suddenly remembering all of these bad things that happened, that make me wonder if W has had multiple A's throughout our R. Within the last 2 years I can think of two instances where I thought something was going on, so much so that at one time I was buying a special kit to test for ummm! I know it is a dumb thought, but I'm really starting to wonder if I chose poorly. But in front of W I play it cool, so no worry.
Just not sure what I want to do or where I want to go. All I do know is that I have neglected myself lately, and I'm getting back to focusing on me again. Went to a movie with some friends tonight, and also got back on the bike again today. Doing things I enjoy. I need to get out and do some snowshoeing this week.
Family is interesting. My mother (who knows absolutely everything, heheh) has told me to give H a time limit on how long I'm willing to stay without any significant steps on his part. She says i spent over a year telling him how he was hurting me and he didn't care, why should I now.
I think they hate seeing us so distraught in this moment, that all they want for us is a quick fix. They see the best in us and think that whomever we choose to be w/ should as well. It hurts them to see you hurting. They don't understand, so it's easier for them to say "move on..." You just set your focus on the goal. Your goal.
It's easy to go back and look at it now and see all the signs. hindsight is 20/20. You will see every little thing now. Focus on the Goal and why you want her back. Why you are willing to fight so hard and feel so much pain. Focus on the positives.
I'm glad you are getting back to taking care of you. It'll be a good way for you to stop thinking about the past and how much wrong has been done to you. Not that it's not important because should a commitment to work on M come from her, that will all need to be focused on, but for now, it will just keep tearing you down.
IMO, W is trying to get back in your good graces. When you see her all dressed up do you tell her she looks nice? just wondering. I know that for the longest time i tried to dress up for my H just to see if he'd even notice me. Never did. Girls need that appreciation of their physical appearance.
Keep your head up...
If i can't fall in love... I'd like to fall in chocolate! ~ Author Unknown
I finally found your thread!! I am so sorry to hear about everything you are going through, but I am so excited to hear about all of these baby steps from your W. Especially the fact that she is dressing up whenever she sees you is awesome! You are getting results!! So many good signs.
You have been at this a lot longer than me, but I know very few of my friends and family understand why I am DBing. I think it's really like ann said, they just want a quick fix. Also, like Michelle says, it's their lives that will be easier if we "move on." But this is about you!!
take care!