Everything we did was based around me - what made me behave the way I did in certain circumstances - were my assumtions correct,could other interpretations be placed upon things, was I projecting my views / behaviours on others or judging others because they didn't act how I either wanted them to or expected them to. It was extremely enlightening and I use these lessons EVERY day.
These are exactly the things that we all must learn to have the lives and relationships that we want. If you can't look at yourself critically, you stand a much better chance for a successful life. Success meaning our own definition of success for ourselves, not based on what we may want from others.
I also would like to add that things my counselors told me are the things that have remained with me. That and reading DB about 39 times made an impression.
I just got caught up on your thread. Your name caught my eye! LOL
First I just want to say I am sorry you are here but it's a good place to be in your sitch.
You have received a lot of good advice. I hope you go back and reread some of it again until it fully sinks in.
Would you mind if I put my 2 cents in? Well since you are here I am sure you don't mind, lol!
Mrs, if you are really serious about saving your M please don't go out on that date. You would be doing exactly what your H is doing...trying to find happiness on the outside. Happiness has to come from within. You can't rely on someone else to do it for you.
You need to use this time alone to focus on you. You need to find YOU and what makes YOU happy. Dating right now would only be a distraction and won't keep you focused. This OM is nothing but a fantasy, an infatuation. You can't save your M by bringing along the OM for a ride.
Listen, this ride isn't easy and it's most likely not going to be a short one. You can't rush it along by trying to make your H jealous or telling him that you are setting him free. If it is MLC then it will be done on his time, not yours. You can't make it move faster but you can prolong it. You can prolong it with your actions. IMO, I think dating will only prolong it, not move it along quicker.
I do think you have a good head on your shoulders and what I like about you is that you don't seem to get too defensive. You do seem to listen to what people have to say and learn from it.
I really don't want to be here anymore-in MLC land or limbo land. I want this over with. I'm not sure I really even want him back anymore. Or do I just want him back to keep the family together. Maybe he is right-our relationship stinks, we have nothing in common anymore, our sex life sucks-there's just nothing left anymore. "Maybe this is just it-maybe it's over" is what he said.
Maybe he is right.
How many times do yo have to be kicked in the head before you "get it"? I'm pretty beaten up right now.
Me:45 H: 45 M: 14 yrs T: 16 yrs D's: 7/11 Bomb: June '07 Moved out: Sept.'07
I was just reading your last post and my heart goes out to you. This IS really hard- standing for your marriage is hard, especially when our spouses are convinced that it is all over and are throwing their stuff at us (at first my H told me he had to find another woman because I didn't style my hair the right way- they say ridiculous things to justify themselves!)
Only you can decide if you are done with this. If it is really over for you, then you can move on. Maybe your H is right and your M is really over.....but.... BUT maybe he is wrong. Maybe he is riding his rollercoaster and saying anything he can to justify his behaviour and blame you for his pain. Only you know whether you want to continue with this, or if you are ready to move on. Either way, you need to make the choice.
Is it worth carrying on for a little longer for you?
OD.
Walk on, walk on, with hope in your heart. And you'll never walk alone.
I'm sorry you're in this place today. It's hard and it sux. A question I have for youto consider is this: Are you done for you (I believe this answer comes from a place of peace) or done b/c it's hard to feel like your begging for something you may not get and are feeling stupid for "waiting"?
Only you get to decide. Just look into your heart and soul for the answers. They are there. It can be hard to hear the answers over the sound of our broken hearts.
A question I have for youto consider is this: Are you done for you (I believe this answer comes from a place of peace) or done b/c it's hard to feel like your begging for something you may not get and are feeling stupid for "waiting"?
Grace-I guess I don't know what the difference is between the two. It sounds like the same thing to me.
Me:45 H: 45 M: 14 yrs T: 16 yrs D's: 7/11 Bomb: June '07 Moved out: Sept.'07
Big R talk with H this afternoon. I asked for the truth once and for all. Admits that EA is now PA. He cried again-not asking for forgiveness or anything of the sort. He says he has been thinking alot about maybe wanting to come back-from his words, he mostly misses the kids. I told him that he would have to want to come back to me first and foremost. And that I don't see him moving in that direction in any way, shape or form. A sign that he was willing to try would be for him to get another job, because right now they work together and even park their cars next to each other. I said that it was obvious to me that he can't give her up or else you would be with your family on New Years Eve and not with her. I said that at this point i don't want him back. I was done trying.
He said that he was considering IC to straighten himself out-work on himself-so maybe I can consider that a start. But he is still seeing her tonight. So, IMO he stopped before he even got a good start.
He is still playing the blame game with me, even after I have admitted and taken responsibility for my share in the breakdown of this marriage, he still lists my faults and wants to know why he should consider coming back into a "train wreck". I said, "good question, I am throwing the same question back at you."
I told him that we should check into mediation. I said that I didn't want anything ugly and that we should consider mediation to save money and hassles.
I was looking at him today and don't have the energy to step back into this again. I don't think we can get it back.
I don't think I could ever trust him again. It hurts too much.
Me:45 H: 45 M: 14 yrs T: 16 yrs D's: 7/11 Bomb: June '07 Moved out: Sept.'07
