I feel like I hit a nerve in my R this weekend. I've been fighting undercurrents of worry that everything's just being smoothed over and swept under the carpet...and while I do crave comfort, surface calm just isn't the same as true peace.
I was a little fed up by the end of the last week with H's constant absence in the evenings. I do need to give him credit for being with us from 6:00 pm Christmas Eve and all of Christmas day, but every other night was filled with his projects. And he pretty much dogged me on Saturday night when I asked if he would bring home supper and have a movie night with me. I was very understanding at the time.
So yesterday, we were "snowed in" and church was cancelled. We spent a nice leisurely morning together, all nice and cozy, and then he says, "Do you care if I go into the shop for a couple of hours?" And I said, "I was really looking forward to just relaxing with you today."
Nothing more was really said, but he parked himself on the couch and tuned out for the rest of the day with an obvious chip on his shoulder. I tried talking to him about it, which just got really frustrating and I've pretty much not said anything to him since then. Not trying to be immature about it...just giving myself some space and trying to figure out what my 180 needs to be. So far, I haven't tried to smooth it over--I'm the only one who ever apologizes, and I feel pretty sure on this one that I didn't do anything wrong. He asked me what I thought, I told him, he threw a fit. It's a pretty common dynamic in our R, and I'm tired of it.
We've had some "talks" lately, but they mostly involve me sharing my feelings and him saying "yah, I get that" and no reciprocity...which just adds to my frustration. I mean, how do we move on and grow if he isn't going to participate?
Yuk. I'm preparing myself for the possibility that he will spend NYE in his beloved shop, with the people and things that mean the most to him. Sorry. I know he cares about me, but he also knows how to play me to get what he wants, and I'm not really wanting to play along today.
