You're doing great, Fran... so sorry things are moving in this direction, but if you're like me, you'll start feeling better about yourself, and that's really important.
Thanks for that. I don't plan to change my actions. He no longer pulls my strings. I have finally achieved detachment. Unfortunately that also means I finally no longer love him. I'm also more aware now that he is having a negative effect on the kids. This is helping alot, all these years I've clung on more for their sake than for my own, now I really do think they'd be better off without a negative, moody, grumpy, unpredictable, distant father around them. They will probably be better off having a weekend dad who has to focus on them because he has to do it on his own.
His current version of giving up drinking is to moderate the level. He is having about three drinks an evening. It does seem to be helping his mood somewhat. I don't want to get distracted by that. It's all up to him what he does or does not do what I have to do is keep going to al-anon and slowly claw back my self-esteem and my sanity.
Fran
if we can be sufficient to ourselves, we need fear no entangling webs Erica Jong
Well an interesting couple of days. H is trying so hard. And trying my patience. It really does show that if you stop being nice to them (I mean nice as in nice-guy nice)they will start eating out of your hand. He keeps wanting hugs which I am happy to give, but they are not lover-like hugs they are just hugs of friendship. He can feel the difference.
We had another long talk yesterday afternoon. He desperately wants some sign from me that all will be well, or that I do love him or that he is doing the right thing by giving up drinking. I had nothing to say to him. I just told him again that I was working on my stuff that the best thing he can do is work on his and would he mind leaving me in peace to get on with it. I asked him some more about what his plan is regarding the drinking and he said he plans to have a dry January and if he can't make it on his own he will seek help. We talked a little about AA and it looks like he would be willing to go "if he needs to". I resisted the temptation to just tell him to go anyway. Then I asked him what he plans to do after January. He said he thought if he could make it a month then he doesn't really need to drink so he probably wouldn't, maybe just the odd glass of a nice wine for a special occasion. I resisted the tempation to laugh. He is deluding himself, but I guess he has to work that stuff out for himself.
He kept talking about love. Because I genuinely cannot think of a single thing to love about him, and haven't been able to in a while (most of what I did used to think of was an exercise in denial or a way of "just doing it" or keeping a PMA) I really wanted to know. His behaviour over the last 8 years has been 90% acting as if he doesn't love me at all but despises me so what the heck does he mean when he says he loves me.
He said he loved my energy, my strength, my intellect and my integrity. While that's nice to know. I just said well I know that about myself but my feeling has been that you've been irritated by my energy, regarded my strenth as cold-heartedness seen my intellect as a way to trick you into doing what I want.
He then said "well I think you feel my strengths are weaknesses" he listed his strenghts as being hard-working and emotionally honest. Notice that he didn't ask me what I thought were his strengths. So while I was arguing that I felt he contradicted himself for showing disdain for the very qualities he professed to love, he brought up his own best qualities that I dont' like. Well I don't like them. His hard-work that he's proud of is workaholism and avoidance and his emotional honesty as he labels it is simply acting grumpy when he feels grumpy. I picked him up on the honesty part and said "is it honest to say 'fine' when I say 'are you OK?'"
H: When I said it the other day you said "that means 'crap' but I don't want to talk about it right now. Me: yes because I've finally figured that out, but it would be more honest to say "Crap, but it won't help to talk about it right now, but thanks for your concern"
What I thought of later is that 'fine' really means "crap, but I don't want to talk about with you because I don't really trust you".
So his self-professed good qualities are that he works hard and if he's grumpy he acts grumpy.
I went to alanon later in the evening. It was good meeting and I talked to some of the others afterwards which was really nice. They asked me why I had finally come and I said a friend nagged me into it (thanks again Lil!). On the way home my phone was ringing in the car, it was H (by the ring tone). I didnt' bother to answer - that would have been more rescuing, rescuing him from worrying about me. Five minutes later I was back anyway. He started to quiz me about what went on, but I didn't tell him much. I just said it was useful.
He is bugging me to death, hanging round me, practically tailing me round the house. At some point during the night he woke me up to tell me what a great bum I have - for gawds sake! I then lay awake for another couple of hours just so annoyed with his utter selfishness and his inabality to see it, or my inability to get it across to him.
This morning he went to work, but before he went he explained he wouldn't be gone long. I told him I was really much happier on my own. He said he just wished there was something he could do (something he could do to affect the outcome of me deciding whether or not to ditch him I guess, something he could do to save his own skin). I told him the best thing he could do was to leave me be, and to get to work on himself, on sorting his own head out.
My dilemma is this: like Lil said this might be the end of the beginning, I don't know whether to stick around for the next chapter. Speaking to the al-anon people it seems like it takes years to see much difference in a recovering alcoholic - do I have those years to waste? Do my kids have those years to waste. OTOH if he really does get into recovery am I going to impede that progress by ditching him anyway. There I go again taking responsibility for him.
Tonight I plan on a celebratory new year's ceremonial pouring of every drop of booze in this house down the sink.
Fran
if we can be sufficient to ourselves, we need fear no entangling webs Erica Jong
You say you don't know whether to stick around for the next chapter. I say you don't need to know YET. When the time is right to do something, you'll know. There's a reason why they say "one day at a time." Like driving in the fog. From a distance, you can't see where the road is going. But you CAN see the road right in front of you.
My first reaction was to vote against pouring out the booze... that looks like you're getting between him and the alcohol again and not letting him face his issues. However, I'm also having the thought that it's your house, too, and you're certainly within your rights to say, "I will not have any more booze under this roof." Period. No argument. No discussion. What he does about that is his business.
Regarding change: I've finally concluded that my bf has not and cannot change enough to make us into lovers and life partners. I will continue to consider him a friend and, frankly, almost family. But intimacy with him just isn't possible. I had hope it might be different, but now that I've accepted this, I feel prettly good.
I will continue to consider him a friend and, frankly, almost family. But intimacy with him just isn't possible.
Yes. That's how I feel too. I think that's why I'm able to give him hugs when he asks for them. It's almost like he's my brother, he's suffering a break-up and turning to his sister (me) for comfort.
As for pouring the booze down the sink - I will only do that if he is happy to do it together. If he baulks I won't bother but it will be interesting information.
if we can be sufficient to ourselves, we need fear no entangling webs Erica Jong
