What Now

[grdn24grl]

I just woke up with a stupid idea (and its too late I already sent it). I sent him an email:

You've got me thinking, it may not be a good idea to stay at my friend's party too late [it starts at 6:00] (with the checkpoints you were talking about). I was wondering if you would spend the "Last Night" with me. Have some drinks, some apps maybe. If you could do anything for me through this, this would be it. My Jury Duty was canceled so I will be at work until 5:00 (hopefully they'll let those who stayed on the Friday before Christmas leave early). Please, let me know.

Was this really dumb? If he says no, I'm still going to the party anyway. But I would love to spend time with him, since it could "possibly" be one of the last.

[tmi]

At the point your H seems to be at right now, he probably won't have a positive reaction to your email, but of course you never know.

Is it too late to send him another email, changing your mind? Definitely go to the party and have a great time, just don't count on your H to be part of it. If he wants to, that would be good, but he will likely feel your invitation as pressure at this point. If he spends the night with you out of guilt, how much fun is that going to be?

Next time, reverse the order. Send your message to this board first and give yourself some time to think about it. Often, by the time you get responses here, you've come to same conclusion already - it really makes a difference to put some space between the impulse and the action.

Others have found that it's not too late, even after the divorce is final. I think that in any relationship, as long as one person is willing to hang in, there is still hope.

[grdn24grl]

He sent me 2 responses:
1) we will see
then 4 minutes later:
2) go to the party, be with friends, just be mindful of how much you drink.

I responded:
I am going to the party, I just wasn't planning on staying late. Thanks

I try to post things here first, but get too impatient when I don't get a response, and when I do get a response it's usually too late I've already gone through with whatever - unless it's totally major.
We'll see. After our conversation last night I don't feel like going at all, but I know I have to! I just feel like everything I have done blew up in my face.

[tmi]

48-hour rule - wait, wait, wait

We all backslide - this is hard! Hang in there, know you're not alone.

[bhopeful]

First, I'm sorry to hear that your situation seems to have degraded. As long as you have hope and are willing to hang in there then there is still a chance. You don't know what is truly in his heart. He may be hurting and this is how he thinks that he can fix it. He may also not be honest with himself about how he is really feeling. I don't think that you should give up yet, but real detachment will really help you. He seems to get curious about you when you are out getting a life (like what he said about New Years Eve). Keep doing what is working.

I don't think sending the email was the greatest idea that you've had yet, but what's done is done. Don't be too upset if you don't hear anything from him. Also, I would plan on staying at the party all night. Even if he calls. Don't make yourself seem desperate. This isn't the end. My wife's parents divorced for two years and now have been back together for over twenty. It sounds like he needs his space so don't pressure him.

I wouldn't send another email retracting the earlier one. Ingrid is right about being with you out of guilt though. If you really thought about it, I doubt that's what you would want.

Good luck and hang in there,
B

[grdn24grl]

Well not that I know what the 48 hour rule is - I will use it.

[bhopeful]

What would you say to him at midnight? Anything more than "Happy New Year!" could be construed as pursuing. Don't ask him where he is, what he's doing, or who he's with. If he offers up information, great, but don't push him for it.

[bhopeful]

The 48 hour rule is where you wait 48 hours before sending an email like you did. Sit on it and see if you still feel the same way 48 hours later. I've used it a few times and it's saved me from sending potentially harmful emails.

[One Day]

Hi grdn,

My first post to you, but I have been following your thread- lurking!

IMHO, I would not call at midnight to say Happy New Year, but let him make the move and do the calling. If you don't call, he might start wondering why not, and his curiosity will be raised. Draw back and give him space to come to you.

OD.

[grdn24grl]

I don't really care what he's doing tonight, I can't do anything about it anyway. I know I have to get my butt in gear, go to this party, and have a blast!
I won't call him. If he calls, I will just have to see what he says, if he wants to meet I WILL NOT (unless I hear some true sincerity and not just drunken, get laid tone - at least do my best not to be weak and fall for it), I think it would just be too hard, and I would feel miserable (probably not at the time, but the next morning).