Hi! I'm a newbie here. My husband of 18 years told me 3 weeks ago wasn't in love, not attracted to me anymore. I found out soon after, he has a girlfriend; she is a married woman with kids. He says he is in love and wants a divorce. We have to fix our 100 year old house which he has let fall into repair b/c he has been gone 80 hours a week, and that will take several months and need to sell for the cash and then divorce. He figures it will be October before we can divorce. We are living together until the house sells. He sees her almost every day, calls & emails her most of the time. Do you think their relationship will last? They are both runners so have that in common. What should I do? I have the divorce busters book and am halfway through it. Any good advice that I should immediately be following? We have 2 autistic children as well that I am concerned about. My husband has said that if not for this relationship he would work on the marriage, but he is, and he thinks they will not break up for any reason.
I'm rather a newbie myself, but I think many would advise that you do nothing, other than look after yourself and your children, find things to do that you enjoy, be happy when your H is around, don't ask him any questions, etc.
I read Divorce Remedy, which is an update to Divorce Busting - you may want to check that out too.
Sorry that you're here, but glad you found this place. It makes an enormous difference.
Do you think my husband is right that there is no hope for our marriage and that it is over? Or do you think there is a chance that this married woman and he might break up even though he says that they are in love? I am still in love with him unfortunately. I am hoping that in the next 5 or 6 months that we still are living together that they may break up but am I just a big fat fool?
Karen... your husband has been abducted by aliens.
Here are a few rules to live by while dealing with an unfaithful spouse:
- Believe none of what you hear and only 1/2 of what you see. - Your husband will speak in absolute negatives about youand your relationship, its how the spouse having the affair justifies their actions. - Your husband will "re-write" your history together. Right now he is only focusing on all the bad times.
You are just starting the journey, prepare for a roller coaster ride into the depths of hell. As each day passes, you will feel a little stronger. Focus on detaching yourself from his actions, they aren't about you, they are about something wrong in himself.
You are also far from knowing if his relationship with the other woman will ever pan out. Keep in mind most affairs only last 6 months and VERY FEW make it to 2 years.
You're going to need to surround yourself with friends and family while going through this. Keep you and your kids mental health as your #1 priority.
You can (and will) make it through this. Sorry you are here, we're here to help.
H4C
Hurtin: 32 WAW: 30 D: 8 Bomb: 10/05 Sep: 12/05 Back together 8/07 Bomb (OM): 11/07 Filed for D (me): 12/07
Welcome to our unpleasant world. Since you asked, here is my advice to you:
1. Visit this website daily. Read and read about what others are doing and what they have been through. You will find a lot of similarity.
2. Keep this thread updated. You will only get advice and help if you keep your thread current.
3. Do not tell your husband about this website or anything else that you are doing to prevent a divorce. Hide everything you are reading in a secure spot. This is very important.
4. Although Hurtin mentioned that you may dive to the depths of hell, do not be afraid. Your fear will doom your marriage. Be strong, confident, and positive. Be chipper and optimistic. In general, behave in the opposite way that you feel. I know, I know, this is darn difficult. But your husband will be repulsed by negativity, grumpiness, moodiness, and bitchiness. So you gotta be a person he wants to be around, even though, right now, he does not want to be around you.
5. This may seem like an impossible goal right now, you need to reach the point where you no longer depend on your husband's love and acceptance for your happiness. Right now, you are saying, "I can't be happy without him!!!" But you can. Work on getting to this place.
6. The relationship with his girlfriend is doomed. Keep that in the back of your mind.
7. Don't conspire against him, or against them. Anything you do to drive them apart will only push them together. If you can't control it, let it go. (this, dear, is the most difficult of them all).
8. Involve yourself in activities outside the home and outside the marriage. Join groups (support group for parents of autistic kids, divorced/separated, prayer groups... anything). Go get a life outside the marriage. It will have a double-pronged effect of showing your husband you have "moved on" and it will take your mind off of the pain of what he is doing.
OK, you have your homework. These eight things are the foundation of what we do here.
It ain't easy, girl, but I know you are up to it. I know this because you had the strength and wisdom to hit the "NEW TOPIC" link and type: "Question-Any good basic advice for me?"
Do you think my husband is right that there is no hope for our marriage and that it is over? Or do you think there is a chance that this married woman and he might break up even though he says that they are in love? I am still in love with him unfortunately. I am hoping that in the next 5 or 6 months that we still are living together that they may break up but am I just a big fat fool?
The answer to the first question is, "no." If he wanted a divorce, he would have done it already. He is on the fence, in spite of any "big show" he is putting on.
The answer to the next question is contained in Number 7 above. If you can't control it, let go of it. You can't control him. You can't control his girlfriend. Let it go.
I have been DBing for seven months, and I still don't have this down. Yesterday, I looked at my wife's cell phone (it's "locked down" and I don't have the password), and I saw that she had received an text message. The only person who sends her texts is her boyfriend. This got under my skin... so I left the house until I cooled off.
The bottom line is that you have to learn how to manage your feelings.
Do you think my husband is right that there is no hope for our marriage and that it is over? Or do you think there is a chance that this married woman and he might break up even though he says that they are in love?
Karen, Welcome (which always seems like an oxymoron to me on this site!). Mark and Hurtin couldn't have said it better.
As far as what your H said, is your M over? That's what he says but love is a decision. Right now he's caught up in the fantasy of an A. A relationship that has not been subject to the reality of day to day life with another person. It's like any new relationship, of course it seems great to him. Ppphhhfffttt! It's crap. She's married, too, so it's not so easy to live happily ever after!
Will they break up? No one can say. Most A's do end when the reality and the newness wears off. My H's A ended when the OW got nasty cause he would not leave me or commit to her in any way. It took about 6 months after d-day for that to happen. During those 6 months I DBed some what, but sort of followed by own instincts. I GALed, acted 'as if' on many things (but not all), and tried to be happy. Didn't beg, plead, cry, etc.
My H asked me early on if I wanted to move out. At one point I said yes, but then I changed my mind. I figured it was better to have him here. That proved to be in my favor. If you know you and your H will have the next few months together, to work on your house, that may be in your favor, too.
Post here for advice, be happy (not an easy thing to do at this time), work on yourself, etc. Let him see what he will be missing.
Karen, One more thing ... you can't try to tell him anything about the A or OW. He won't listen to you. I've been there, done that. Right now, in your H's eyes, she can do no wrong, and their relationship is perfect.
The OW in my sitch was of questionable character, with a not so good past, is not a good mother and I could not believe my H was involved with her. Do you think my H saw any of that? Not all all. When I brought it up to him not long after d-day he acknowledged some of her faults but told me "we'd do ok together." I could have fallen on the ground when he said that.
So add another rule to your play book ... don't attempt to break them up pointing out OWs faults. If she has them (and we all do) they'll come to light soon enough.
Another question-my husband has a weird thing he does. Every time we have a good day, he likes to ruin it at the end. For example, today we had a good time bowling and running at the track with the kids, and at the end he said something like Our life has changed, for me I don't love you anymore, (something like that.) Usually before this, when we had a good time, he would email his girlfriend in front of me. He said he did this so I wouldn't have any hope (I guess that our relationship has a chance or something). It's very hard for me to keep being happy and not lose it, when he does this kind of thing. I did lose my temper today, too when he said that, which I have to wonder is his goal or something. I wonder what his real purpose is behind trying to ruin our good times together, you know. Any ideas behind why he does this and what I should do when he does this??? Thanks!!! Karen
Karen.. it makes it so much easier to leave you when he hates you. He is trying to justify his infidelity by leaving a cold hearted, evil wife. DONT let him sucker you into it. Act "as if" you're happy and content. This is very hard to do considering the circumstances but it is imperative you do this.
Trust me, if you show him a loving wife, it will make it that much harder to leave and justify his affair. Its all a game, play by the DB rules.
H4C
Hurtin: 32 WAW: 30 D: 8 Bomb: 10/05 Sep: 12/05 Back together 8/07 Bomb (OM): 11/07 Filed for D (me): 12/07
