more of the same this weekend. I kinda feel like no matter what i say or do, i'm going to be wrong. I'm just trying to be sensitive to him w/out letting myself feel like I've just been walked all over.
I have a habit of doing everything for him. I don't mind sometimes. I think that i got so used to feeling like I 'had to' before that it just stuck with me. I'd rather try to make him happy than feel guilty for not doing something. I am a terrible people pleaser and I normally just want everyone to like me. i've found tho, that the more i like myself, the less i care what everyone else thinks. anyways... i'm not going to keep doing everything and I'm not going to feel guilty anymore for not feeling like doing it all. He's a big boy and he has working arms and legs... hehe..
Found out something last night that really hurt. H and I were talking about babies, how many we'd eventually like and whatnot... (me 5, him 3) Anyways. I have to have a c-section again w/ this pregnancy and he was saying that after i have the baby i should get that thing done, so we don't have to worry about birth control. I asked him if he meant getting my tubes tied (cause there is no way, we both know that) and he said no that little copper thing you used to talk about. (an IUD) I asked him if he was sure cause about 10-12 months ago, i asked him about it and he said no, that he thought it was a bad idea. He said that he only said that cause he figured i was cheating on him and i just wanted a way to not get pregnant. That he didn't want me having that security in my A. I started crying. He says, "oh god, what now" okay.... maybe it's just the hormones or something, but that hurt. I know what i did and i know he used to accuse me of just about everything, but i always kinda thought that was more just his insecurity than him acutally thinking i was having an A. Nope, guess not. He was talking like it was fact. Like i was out running around. Guess all those times he called me a whore and whatever, he really meant it. I just told him that it's hard to realize he always thought that way about me. He said, yeah, well, that was then. The night went ok, but i can't stop thinking about that. I wonder how long he thought that and why... So anyways... my PMA is pretty much shot today. I'm sure i'll have a better day, but right now I just keep thinking about it...
If i can't fall in love... I'd like to fall in chocolate! ~ Author Unknown
