What happens when your room is finished, CL? Is there a way to stay sleeping in the same room? You still have that hurdle of intimacy to get over, but I am sure you will... in your own deliberate manner. Seems like that is a key to move your relationship a step in the right direction.
Has your wife resigned yet? Job hunting is NOT fun....she'll probably need even more support than usual (at least I find it stressful!). Expect a range of moods!
Will you and your wife be dancing together on New Year's Eve? I wish you a fun filled evening and look forward to hearing of great progress in 2008!
CL, I know you are concerned about the lower income, but money is far less important than happiness. In other words, if your W is searching for some more meaning in life and trying to eliminate the negative forces, then she is on the path to happiness.
I can tell you from my own experiences, I now work part time. I used to work full time. I constantly felt overloaded. I was much more anxious, angry all the time, etc... This was not too long pre-bomb. So, my emotional well being contributed to our M problems prior to my H dropping the bomb.
I then got laid off a year ago. My H and I were separated at the time. I was devastated. While I was overwhelmed with working full time, I didn't want to lose the job I had. But as it turns out, the break was EXACTLY what I needed. I got myself together. Did some soul searching. And now, a year later, I am back at my company part time. I work three days and spend the other two week days with my kids. This has had a tremendous impact on my emotional well being. Our income is lower. But I'd rather live in a small house and be happy than live in a big house and be miserable. Hope this makes sense.
Also, as for the cleaning lady. I finally got one about 3 years ago. I even continued using her when I was unemployed. It really makes a big difference. Bathrooms are miserable. Also, I do tend to get in a bad mood when the house is a mess.
Not sure if any of this helps. I am just trying to give you a different perspective.
Married 9 years Kids 5 and 6 Bomb 2006 H back and forth for a year M now back on track
Matilda and PS, I think sleeping in the guest room is best for now. It's nice to have my own space. I've always done my reading and writing in the common areas, and would be frustrated when I couldn't have privacy. I've fixed up the room so that it reflects my needs and interests. I think my W and I having our own rooms and sanctuaries will be helpful to both of us.
I think a return to sleeping together will be a gradual process. She was distant the few nights I did sleep with her.
She's afraid to take the leap of faith and resign. I'm giving her space and autonomy on this issue. I want her to do what she thinks is best and when. I keep telling her that whatever helps her to move forward is the best plan.
You're certainly right about the range of emotions. Things have been turbulent lately.
I'm not sure yet about New Years Eve. I'm so weary of spending time with her. I'll play it by ear. I don't want to go if she can't be in the proper spirit, or if I'm not going to be treated well.
My deliberate manner drives my W nuts. She wants everything done now, and all problems solved now. She wants me to approach things like her.
I'm still reading my conflict management skills book. It's helping me to keep my ground, to think about what's important to me, rather than just focus on meeting her needs, and to recognize that her proposals are just a starting point. The book is also helping me to not get too caught-up in her directives, but to focus on what it is she desires, and help her achieve that without compromising what's important to me. This means I have to practice saying no, offering alternatives, and tolerating disapproval.
CL
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
PS, Your point is well-taken. My W's happiness and removing the negative stressors from her life are more important than fretting about money. I've been trying to be silent about money issues. I pay the bills, write the checks, give her spending money and don't add to her worries.
My W's struggle is that she wants financial freedom but doesn't know what type of job she would like that would pay her the salary she would require. She's talking about buying property someday and managing a small apartment building. She would probably be good at this.
I understand your advice. Give her the space and time to find the vocational formula that will work for her. It may not be a conventional full-time job. Her struggle will be mustering the courage to venture forward and explore her options.
My struggle will be determining how I fit into the solution. I have to make decisions about choosing activities that I think are helpful, and declining requests and directives that I think are unreasonable. I don't want to lose any of the positives I currently have. This means I won't work an additional part-time job, or pursue jobs for the sole sake of making more money.
My W put a job ad on the counter that would pay 20K more than what I'm making. I looked at the job description, and did not want to pursue it. I also don't think I should be job-hunting until she gets settled into something. What if I switched jobs, and it didn't work-out? My changing jobs at this time, would be risking stability. Her agenda is how do we make more money fast.
CL
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
PS, Aud, and Matilda, My W and I had a turbulent evening. She resigned from her position yesterday. I decided to take her to dinner, and didn't go dancing last night.
During the evening, she was picking at me during dinner. She said that she wouldn't marry someone who makes my salary again. Of course, I was hurt.
The problem came when she wanted compliments on how much more organized she has been, and how hard she's been working on cleaning the house. I wasn't in the proper spirit to give this to her. She was furious, and called me ungrateful.
She went home and called her sister and mother and basically devalued me as a husband. She blamed her mother for childhood issues, and said that if she had a better father, she would have picked a better husband. I didn't mean to eavesdrop, but I was in my bedroom.
Afterwards, she asked me if I had anything to say. She was looking for an apology. I told her what happened at dinner and how her comments were hurtful, and how she has been critical of me these past days and weeks.
She said that she regrets not having children, and that she should have married someone who could provide for a family financially. I told her that she knew she was marrying a social worker. I also told her that I did not know she felt strongly about having children.
She kept pushing for me take on a part-time job. I told her that I deserve to have some enjoyment in life, and that I think 40 hours is enough of a contribution to the household.
She said that a man should be able to take care of himself and not rely on a W for financial assistance. I told her that her 24K salary only allows me to pay the bills. I pay the mortgage, and the utilities. Her salary pays her expenses. I'm not in a position to thrive financially. I told her that I've kept the budget from her, because it stressed her out. I don't think she knew that I was carrying most of the financial load.
What I learned was that she desires to have someone who can carry a household financially on one income. She wanted the single wage earner, stay at home mother scenario and regrets and is angry that she didn't get it. She keeps pushing me to meet some version of that expectation.
I'm going to hold my ground, and hold onto the positives I've cultivated for myself. I'm not going to jump thru her hoops trying to make her happy. She has to accept the life she has and make the best of it.
It felt good to say my piece. It felt good to say that I don't accept her poor opinions of me.
CL
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
First many hugs to you (((((CL)))))! Ouch - your W is a piece of work and I am SO HAPPY YOU STOOD YOUR GROUND. You did not get mean or nasty but just stated your position- but I bet for once you surprised her in not just rolling over and letting her have her way!!!
To me a marriage is a team thing where two work and contribute to the finances, household duties and raising the kids if they are present. Seems she wants to be a stay at home mom but without the kid part - and now it's your fault you two never had kids. She is acting rather spoiled and unappreciative - it would be much harder for her to live on her own with our you there for her support.
You did a great job - it takes two to make a marriage work. It can only be one-sided for so long...
Take care of you!!
HB
Me41 H44 * M16 yrs * D13 S10 8/06 H wants a D * 1/07 OW Truth 2/07 Searated * 7/07 H moved home First Thread Surviving Separation Now Piecing
Oh, I'm so sorry she threw all that at you CL. Really unfair to be all mad about things that she should have communicated to you years ago. I guess we all have to learn that lesson someday. Good for you for standing up for yourself.
HB, Aud, and Jak, I wanted to share the Attempt to Repair conversation my W and I this morning. Hopefully, something positive will come from the miscommunication we had last night.
My W shared that she feels like her life is in turmoil, and that the only thing she has to feel good about is her home. This is why she puts such high standards on cleanliness. She said that she needs a lot of support from me right now, and that she was highly disappointed that I did not provide that last night.
I tried to problem-solve with her about the cleaning. She doesn't seem to think that I want to be helpful with this. I described the problem as a failure on my part to meet her standards. I proposed that I will ask for her opinion about any cleaning activity I do, so that I can correct it. I will also start asking her if there's anything that needs to be done.
She shared that she has been working very hard at housecleaning and organizing. Organization is a struggle for her. I think she's somewhat ADHD. I told her that I will try to be more than a silent partner, and will try to be more mindful that she needs positive support from me.
I shared with her the book on conflict management skills that I'm reading, and told her that I'm trying to improve in this area. I shared with her the quote on balancing self-care and meeting the needs of others. She liked it and said she struggles with the same issue. She liked so much a quote on courage that I had sent her last week, that she wants to frame it. I told that this is why I can't work a part-time job. I can't compromise self-care.
She has a funeral to attend this weekend in Philadelphia. It's a grandparent who she wasn't close to. It's more of an obligation than an emotional trip for her. I didn't offer to go due to airfare and since it's only a one day trip. She asked me if I wanted to go, and I said no. I felt under the gun to decide, as she wanted to buy discount tickets at the time, so as not to lose them. I should have offered to go. She didn't ask me to go. I'll have to live with the consequences of that decision.
I sometimes feel like I'm fighting the ghost of her deceased father. She has trust and other issues when it comes to men. She sometimes stamps his issues and her feelings about him on me.
CL
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
